Red.

Red lips are so loud. Like…mountain moving. OK, dramatic BUT they are! They do everything for you, & you don’t have to do a thing. Perfect – win/win.

Chanel red lips. Are everything. Chanel Rouge Allure in Passion #104 is my ultimate favorite. Wear with Chanel Lip Definer in #57 – Rouge Profond. This color is a blue red that is bright and perfect for a party night out because WTF else are you doing?! Another amazing Chanel lip color is iconic & you guessed it, another Rouge Allure in Pirate #99. Chanel post, check the video – she’s adorable & explains all the colors so I don’t have to because that’s boring.

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Red lips command a room. Boom look at me.

TRY THIS: Wear a fucking sheet next time you go out (a plain one, because please) and put on a fire red #99 or blue red #104 lipstick. Bold. Not sparkly. People will fucking flock toward you and probably ask who designed that fabulous fucking sheet dress that you literally removed from your bed 45 minutes before. Because red lips change EVERYTHING. And you smile. And you “squinch” a little for photos. INSERT “squinch” definition: Please view Random ABC news post featuring Peter Hurley which is somehow relevant for looking “better” in photos. Red lips are tried and true. Also, very intimidating.

You can literally wear no makeup at all. Add red lips. You’re a fucking goddess.

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See the goddess there? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I die.

Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means an everyday red lipstick wearer. Daytime is meant for lip gloss, CHANEL LÈVRES SCINTILLANTES (slight shimmer is fabulous) Eden & #166 Amour are my favorites & Tom Ford Nude Vanille. I would practically scream if I saw a betch attempting to rock red lips to class (the horror!) or to a daytime “nothing” event. Color is fine – red is not really…The red lip is not strictly evening, but should almost be strictly evening.

Red lip also acts as a pick me up! Or oh, my outfit is a little boring so I need help. Red lips are the answer. Too much of a good thing is never a good thing. Rocking outfit?… Maybe definitely understate your makeup. Good or even great outfit, add red lips to transform your look into a rockin’ outfit. Easy right? Hardly makes sense, but if you know – you just know. I would be beyond displeased if you tell me you can’t “pull it off” because… you better not just be “pulling it off,” you’re owning it. Hard. You be the red lips. You are the red lips. Head turning. It will work, I’m telling you. Try it. You won’t be sorry you did.

Always blot. & check your teeth because gross.

also – never apply lipstick in a moving cab unless you do it with a very precise hand/have concealer for fuck ups. see below:

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*Hot pink for daytime – so chic. Chanel Rouge Allure #93 Exaltee with Chanel Lip Definer #55 – Fuscia. It rules. Blurry pic but you guys get it.

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Clearly, I’m obsessed with lips. You’re welcome for all the lipstick selfies.  Get your lipstick game up, betches! & OWN IT. Thank me later. xxx

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NOTHING.

What to say when you don’t know what to say? Nothing.

How to act when you don’t exactly know how to act? Do you go for it? Do you hold back? Do you not want to regret an action or feel guilty? Do you want to feel happy but not sure if you’re going to?

For all of the indecisive people in this world, myself being one of the strongest – life works out better when you wait it out. Certain things, obv not all. But hear me out.

If you’re on the fence about how to react to something. Just, DON’T REACT. Don’t say a word. Do not respond. Do not talk back. Do not make a decision. The best way to react is to literally do nothing.

You look so much prettier whilst doing nothing. No frown lines. No wrinkles. Duh.

You feel so much less emotion, which is easier because you haven’t done anything. It’s a win for the moment. (I wish I could convey my tone of voice through this text – reason for all the bold/italicized font, UGH whatever).

Now, my advice does not mean do nothing forever. I mean, I’m not a total IDIOT. Like – you’re eventually going to have to face whatever problem you just avoided or deal with whatever you’ve been hiding from. But at least you’ll have a clear mind when you choose to do so. And most importantly, you’ll be in better control of the situation. The best way to use this form of advice is when somebody is specifically looking for a reaction from you. That is when you DO NOT GIVE A REACTION. You hold no mercy. Sorry, NOT sorry.

No apology needed! EVER! Don’t apologize to anybody for the way you feel. If you were a nasty person, then maybe an apology is due to the person you were nasty to. If you were having a bad day, apology isn’t always needed if your bad day is explained to previously mentioned party. A quick, “I’m sorry for the way I acted when I was hungry.” is acceptable. No dramatic apology here though.

I will never apologize to an idiot that doesn’t deserve one. I will say abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of the reaction. We are so done with the conversation.

Contrary to popular belief that I am the nastiest girl to live 😉 … I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you. In a “nothing” kind of way. It’s completely the best idea I’ve ever had to stay positive toward people who need it most. A smile says EVERYTHING. No words uttered. Just one smile. It screams something to everybody. I think it’s a super ugly thing to root for somebody else’s failure, no matter how much they suck. And how badly it #suckstosuck. In this case, you just smile wider.

Example #1: Guy you met at a bar texts you non-stop for 3 weeks and then just stops…because he clearly sucks. AKA, you were ghosted girlfriend. What do you want to do? Text him something like “hey stranger.” DON’T! Poor choice, immediately. You’re done, girl. Sorry beb. Over. Never do this. Do nothing. Simple. Thank me later.

Example #2: Friend #1 asks you to hold a secret. Other friend (#2) asks what’s going on with friend #1. Say nothing. It’s not worth it to speak of friend 1’s secret to friend 2. None of #2’s business. Leave them out of it. Friend 1 clearly did not want to you say anything to anybody, let alone friend 2! REACTION: NOTHING. Unemotional, unphased (not a real word, just Googled obv), inactive face. You have nothing to let on to or let out because there is nothing that needs to be shared. Keep that shit to yourself. Practice tolerance and willpower to not say a peep. Now, I’m not talking the “Oh, I totally know what you mean… She’s been super weird lately to me to I have no idea what’s going on with her though, it must be that douchey guy she’s talking to or that she’s been working over 60 hours a week. I don’t know – I guess I could ask her if you want me to.” I’m talking SHUT UP. Preferred response: (smile) “Nothing.”

This post was about “nothing” in particular, LOL hence it’s title. Except me.

SILENCE IS BETTER THAN BULLSHIT.

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I’m a…SLAVE for you

My nightmare continues

Every morning I open my eyes and wake up by myself (usually) and reach for my little rectangular device that I’m alarmingly obsessed with. I say alarming because my alarm is most likely going off while I’m reaching for my iPhone. Begin “the daily read” – iMessage, Instagram, Gmail, Twitter, Facebook, other random social sites that you may be on? Yeah.

iPhone obsession is real. Social media obsession is even more real. The real real. Real fucking scary. Really fucking not okay. How am I supposed to live my amazing life with this iPhone not by my side? But how am I supposed to live at all being so attached? Why are we so attached? Why can’t we put it down? I mean I know we can – until it vibrates or makes the sound you’ve been waiting for or worse, dreading.

People aren’t living in the moment, they’re capturing it. How do you remain solely in today and not in tomorrow? Or the next moment? Or in the next upload to social media? How often are you about to do some pretty normal activity and somebody pulls out their phone and takes a pic of what you’re about to do?

Envision yourself in this oh-so-familiar scenario: So you’re at a bar with a good friend and you’ve had quite the week. Actually nothing in particular really happened that was that great to mention… but you’re tired? but you’re taking Jameson shots because you want to celebrate? Because you rule?! And why not? You’re excited to cheers your little chupito and slam it down and just as you lift your 1oz. shot glass….your bestie whips her phone out and captures your “cheers!” SO EPIC… Actually she got a really good picture (which you obviously had to review before it went anywhere public). But you & your friend did all of this before that shot of Jameson even reached your thirsty lips. What is wrong here? Great job capturing the moment bestie! Also great job completely avoiding living in a particular moment of starting the night off right with a shot.

It’s not all about taking shots, although I wish it would be some of the time (most of the time) always. How do you remove that desire? I’m trying to teach myself that I don’t have to capture every second. And if I do capture it, I don’t have to publish it.

“I’ve been trying this thing where instead of uploading things to social media that have the intention of making other people feel insecure, I’m trying to make others feel good. Be a part of the solution, not the problem. I want people to look at me and my pictures and say, “oooh I wanna be her friend!” Not like F that bitch I want her new bag.” – bestie shoutout.

Could not agree with this more though – we live in a world where sharing what you’re doing has become so standard, it’s depressing me. Like – I. cannot. wait… for you to go on your Caribbean vacation this week so that you can upload the following photos (in order):
1. Passport / Boarding Pass
2. Packing / or how bad you are at packing (me!)
3. Airport delay (OMG! NOOOO! Feel sad for me, I’m going to St. Maarten but first I have to sit in JFK for 3 hours! Bummer…)
4. Shot of clouds/sunset/view from your seat on JetBlue with a airplane wing in the bottom right hand corner.
5. Your hotel view. (GORGE!)
6. Your beach view/ your beach selfie #selfie #obvi #paradiseselfie #lovethis #beachlife
7. The amazing man/woman you’re in paradise with (I’m literally holding back vomit heaves right now)…
8. Delicious dinner you’re about to enjoy.
9. Jet skiing / other fun outdoor shit.
10. Last day in paradise! So sad. Sad face. 😦 But why the fuck are u sad if you’re in paradise?
11. Back to NY where it’s cold an awful weather and you’re so miserable to come back to reality because your regular life is so boring and the best thing you will upload on Instagram this upcoming week is your gourmet lunch/ new shoes / #selfie / your really awesome dog. COOL – not.

I regress… People are pretending to be “living.” Get back to it and actually live people! And actually love! LOL.

I’ve tried an experiment with friends over dinner and it turned out to be quite entertaining… 6 of us went out for dinner at a local, eclectic restaurant. Trying to salvage conversation and bring everyone back down to earth, one person made an interesting statement or rule, if you will:  No phones the entire dinner. The fun part was that everybody had to place their phone face down in the middle of the dinner table. You can leave sound on or off, but you cannot view the screen. Nobody knows who’s texting you, or if you are even the one who is being texted or called. You cannot answer. You cannot touch the phones. You pay no attention to the phones, even though they’re all sitting right there directly in front of you. It’s an experiment. Because as soon as you hear that sound, you immediately want to reach. I started to get extremely antsy within the first few moments because obvi I was awaiting a text for my plans later with my fake boyfriend. The kicker to this game is that, the person who picks up their phone first, pays for the entire dinner. The guy who suggested the game ended up paying for the entire dinner anyway, but the point was that great conversation was available and it was uninterrupted and real and genuine. #NOFILTER

Try it sometime, highly recommended. Take a break, it helps. As I take my break, I find a really fantastic inspirational quote that I must crop and upload to Instagram and Twitter, immediately.

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I’ll even send it to Facebook (as if) because that has a bigger reach and I really just want everybody to know about my new found strength or actions toward wellness. (Cool, Ash…) I’m doing me! I’m doing really great! Look at me! Don’t you wish you were me?! I bet somebody will screenshot his and #repost it because it’s really such a great motivational quote!!! COOL! I hope the sarcasm shows through that string of a paragraph…

Now I bet some of you may be like, “Yeah I see this shit all the time but I don’t do this. I don’t have time for this. I live my life, not capture it. I’m good.” No you’re fucking not! You’re still fucking looking at it so this is completely applicable to you too! You don’t have to be full fledged in it – aka an incessant uploader (like myself) to be a part of it.

The trick is to let the fuck go. Like right now, I’m really trying to stop “stalking.” I know that sounds dramatic but it’s the fucking truth. And if you can’t admit that you stalk other people, whether it be your friends, your friends’ friends, exes, people you love and/or want to be with, celebrities, weird people, hysterical people, people who are so strange that you feel bad for them but continue to follow them for the pure enjoyment and entertainment factor & get your friends to follow them because c’mon it’s really worth it.

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And then it’s been 28 minutes and you’ve still not gotten that email done that you were working on because you were on Instagram while at work. “Damn. That girl is ugly anyways. Ugh yeah – I don’t like her friend either. She looks like a slut and that comment is totally about me. What is that shirt? He wore that same goddamn shirt on his birthday last year!! What does he only have one fucking shirt?! I’m disgusted. She should definitely be wearing black.” GET OFF INSTAGRAM, Ashley! Get the fuck off. You’re actually a lot cooler then that and you know it. You have courage. You have confidence. You are better than the Gap!

Why do I even want anybody to see anything about my life? I used to be a very private person. Until it was cool to let it all hang out. Sharing my thoughts made me feel good about myself because it meant somebody was reading them, whether they cared or not. And if people “like” them or “retweet” them that means I’ve been accepted and I’m really feeling great about myself because I’m relatable. Thank god I’ve created for myself the exact thing that I have tried to avoid for my entire being. The act of being relatable. I have lived my entire existence being a little weird, or outside the box, quirky, random, a little different from what you were expecting. Because I fucking like that shit. I like to keep people guessing and I like to do exactly what you aren’t expecting. You think I’m going to do some very predictable outrageous motion, and instead I do something really fucking normal with an obscure twist to mind fuck you even worse. Sorry. Welcome. AKA let me upload the ugliest selfie I can possibly find because I think that its a little more funny than a typical boring girl selfie. I don’t feel like giving a better example because you’re not going to get it anyway.

On that note, it’s almost 4:00 PM and I haven’t checked my Instagram since my daily read (this morning). I’ll try to hold off for my nightly read (before bed). Live in today guys.

Relationships 101 – A Guide from Yours Truly

So I’m going through this really great revelation where I’m “finding myself” again. It’s fun. Also terrifying and annoying, sometimes weird. But it’s exciting. Final goal = happiness. 

Relationships have NEVER been my forte but I’m a fucking PRO at them by now. 

A PRO bestie. A PRO girlfriend. A PRO at setting standards. A PRO at setting the worst standards known to the human race (maybe not but you get it.) A PRO control freak. A PRO easy going girl. A PRO at falling in love. A PRO at getting him to fall in love with you accidentally. A PRO manipulator. PRO committer, PRO non-committer, PRO what the fuck is this? PRO shit talker. PRO cryer. PRO at getting the fuck over it.

Many people state that females have it so much easier then men do with regards to dating. Yes – and no. The way I see it…

I’ve dated a lot of DIFFERENT people. My friends have referred to me as a serial dater. You know the type –  a person who engages in the process of systematically dating an obscene amount of people in a short span of time. I’ve been that. I’ve also been a serious girlfriend, during several of those time spans lasting over a year sometimes over 2 years. I’ve broken many hearts – I’ve finally experienced having my heart broken against my own will. I’ve broken hearts that have broken my heart to break. I’ve also been in relationships that I’ve been walked all over, given everything to a taker and just cried over it.  I’ve been in “non-relationships” – aka the “What is this?” “What are we?” “Where is this going?” “Nobody knows what’s going on?” “Not being on the same page.” I’ve been in the long-distance. I’ve been in the “age is the difference,” both as the younger & as the elder. I’ve been in the you’re too dumb for me. I’ve been in the you’re too nerdy for me. I’ve been in the you’re so much of a psycho that you still emotionally and physically stalk myself and every female I’ve ever known even though we haven’t dated in 4 years or talked in several and I’m utterly disgusted by you. I’ve gone back. I’ve done the opposite and stayed strong. It’s an interesting thing there – living your 20’s in the 2010’s + and being in relationships or non-relationships. 

You need to make sure to set the standard from the very beginning. This is where I ALWAYS go wrong. Without fail. You need to make sure that they know that they’re never in control. You stay in control. Always. You keep a mutual balance of control though – so it remains fair and even and NORMAL. In the beginning I always come off as that really cool girl that everybody wants to be around and hang out with and yadda yadda because I’m so down to earth, so normal and so much fun. He’s definitely going to want to hang out with me because well – why not? THIS IS THE PROBLEM. From the very beginning it’s all easy – it’s fun and he’s not working for anything more than getting me to hang out with him. That is, if I’m not already busy, or not working. I’ve let them have control. I let them be in control enough to gain enough power over me to fuck me over. And let me get affected.  And ultimately make me hate them. Cue the vicious cycle of never having a man that wants to commit because I have never forced them to think that commitment was a big deal for me. Because in the beginning, of course, I did not care either. Relationship dead. He’s having it all – I’m left with my negative attitude toward men and the fact that I’m always constantly setting them up for failure. 

It’s my fault. But I’ve accepted this fault. Because I’m extremely aware of it. It’s not necessarily a fault – it’s a thing that I do. It’s how I’ve remained to stay single & independent thus far. This is everything I did – and with no sight of a serious in the future. I work too much. I party too much. I don’t party enough? FALSE. I’m a bitch. I’m too nice. (also false). I am too far into myself and my goals and my drive and desires. Dare I care too much about what a man thinks or wants? Maybe – I’ve done that too – no benefit. 

I know far too many beautiful, driven, successful, smart, caring, diva, fantastic women who are truly upset and/or devastated because they don’t have “the one.” RUDE AWAKENING: YOU ARE YOUR OWN ONE!!!!! You don’t need that other person. Sometimes you do – sometimes it’s not that guy though – it’s your best friend, your parent, your sibling, your co-worker, your partner in crime. You’ll get it.

Relationships are the most difficult thing to be a part of. Because you only have power over yourself. And nobody else. You cannot control the way the other party in the relationship feels or behaves or reacts. Like if they suck – #suckstosuck. You can’t control that. You just have to move on. If they love you – and you don’t love them back. That also sucks – BUT at least you have control over it so that you can get out. Cue break up. Cue you feeling bad for a few days then you’re on to the next one. Or you’re back to being alone. Or when you’re the one who’s in love. And the other person doesn’t love you. That’s rough. You cannot make them change, no matter what you do – no matter what backwards, reverse psychology, weird online program that you bought for $59.00 to find out ways to “make it work” – (YUP!). They do not change. You change though, which makes the $59.00 worth it in the long run. Even though it took you 11 months to figure that one out. You’ll figure it out eventually. I did. I still do. 

I’m also a huge believer in the phrase, “Social media killed the break up.” Also – “SOCIAL MEDIA KILLED ERRRRRYTHING.” If you know me, you know that I’m obsessed with social media – basically too obsessed it’s an unhealthy addiction that I fight with every day. Addiction runs in my family – good thing mine is with Instagram, Twitter & (can I say) Facebook?! Die. Also Prada, Louis, Chanel, Louboutin, Vince, & JCrew. Oh, and black. Could be worse? 😉

But social media has made it virtually impossible for a person to walk out of somebody else’s life without having a constant reminder – or at the least, a small random reminder every once in awhile. Just go away, would ya?! Scenarios as follows: crazy ex bf stalks you via text message, you block his # on Verizon. He proceeds to stalk you via Facebook, block that shit. He begins to stalk/bother/harass your best friends asking about you. Nobody responds because PLEASE DON’T! Then he begins to stalk/bother/harass further distant friends that you haven’t spoken to in years – gets weirder – but it’s not your problem because again, you haven’t seen or heard from him in years and he’s like 7 boyfriends ago, sorry for that awkward miscommunication – you should just block him too. BYE. 

It also sucks when you’re hiding out – like SHIT – my friend just uploaded a pic of me while I was having so much fun and drunk at a bar or doing some really uber cool activity. “Don’t post any pics until tomorrow – do it as a #TBT because I don’t’ want anybody to know where I am right now. I told my boss I left early because I wasn’t feeling well. I don’t want my boyfriend to know that I’m having fun because I wanted to hang out with him earlier – even though I already had plans with you guys. But I wanted him to feel bad about having other plans with his friends and that he cancelled on me. I know it’s fucked up but just do it anyway because I’m your best friend and you love me?” RUN ON SENTENCES FOR DAYZZZ! #mylife 

Thirdly, it sucks when you’re getting OVER IT. Just when you don’t care enough to stop giving a fuck, stop looking on his Facebook to see if some new slut commented on it, stop checking Instagram to see if he uploaded a new “cool picture.” You’re feeling pretty great about yourself because you’re basically over it. Or you keep telling yourself that you are – He does some FUCKED UP THING to get you thinking about him again. Like sending the worst thing in the world via text message, “hey.” 

 

ex bf: hey

me: (slowly dies) – screenshots and sends to 27 friends begging for advice how to answer this absurd text which is never followed up by ANYTHING. then says nothing. or finally responds with “hey”

 

HEY?! WTF. HEY?! Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t text me “hey” —-  how the fuck am I supposed to respond to that hey? What’s up you fucking loser? Haven’t spoken in a few weeks – I’m trying my hardest to get the fuck over you but thanks for the fucking reminder that you still exist? COOL! What’s up bro? I’m GREAT! Great I’m doing fucking great over here. I would ask how are you or what’s up to you BUT I DON’T CARE! I’ve been practicing not caring for the past few weeks and I’ve been miserable doing it and it’s been really fucking great.  THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY WITH THAT “hey”.

Dumbass. 

Back to wearing black. Minding my own business and staying out of anybody & everybody’s life besides my friends who I become fucking obsessed with because obvi. 

Next up – meeting a guy who’s never going to be good enough for my fucked up standards that society has trained me to think are “normal,” leading him on enough to make him fall in love with me within a few weeks because I’m setting the wrong standards out from the get go, ending with the vicious cycle of the end all break up because I don’t know what else to do and this doesn’t feel right because something is wrong and I don’t know what to do again. Cool. 

Focusing on the things that keep me happy is what is the most important thing. After this long rant about relationships – I’m going to say that they aren’t something that makes me happy, right now. Maybe at one time a relationship did. Maybe at one time again, a relationship will make me feel happy. Final goal is happiness. Right now – that goal is completely attainable. It is forever attainable. It is only forever attainable if you don’t lose sight of what your goal is. You’re never at your goal. You’ve never quite reached it – there’s always room for improvement. If you think you’ve reached your goal, you’re just content. Which is fantastic. But you can ever change and ever grow. You can improve yourself. You can encourage others to improve themselves. You can do better. With that being said, you have a choice. 

1. Either you take it in and do better next time. 

OR

2. You do it better right now. Today. 

Keep changing. Keep living. Keep trying. Keep succeeding. Keep loving.

Hope my rant about relationships / my therapeutic release has either given you some sort of advice or has at least made you laugh through my shit talking and not-so-subtle undertones. More to follow – a lot more where this came from. Bottom line – DO YOU.

As I said – I’m a fucking PRO at relationships. Doing well and doing awful. Questions? Ask about me. Or ask your friend about me – they may have “talked to me” for awhile. Or at least know somebody who did. 😉 Hope this post doesn’t come off slutty – and if it does…. 

2014 – woke up this morning, still a bitch.

Happy 2014!

Woke up this morning in my apartment, alone, with an amazing outlook on my beautiful life. Wholeheartedly, decided to open up the refrigerator & remove 1 bottle of celebratory champagne. Followed by opening up the cabinet and removing 1 of my mother’s gorgeous champagne glasses from her wedding, which I now have because divorce. (Thanks parents, for all of your fab belongings that remind you of each other, that have been forcefully gifted to me. Love you much). And now I’m drinking the entire bottle to my face, because I’m me. Thank God I don’t mind what people think of me.

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Sat down to do my daily reading/stalking on IG, Twitter, Facebook, so that was different.

This year I’m going to do new things. I’m not going to focus on all of the “off” things in my life & focus on the positive things. Do cool shit. Do new things. All the time – step out of the comfort zone because I’m pretty good at being forced out of the comfort zone. Might as well just stay there and live it well.

Up on the agenda:

Learn French.

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Look back at it.

xo