Relationships 101 – A Guide from Yours Truly

So I’m going through this really great revelation where I’m “finding myself” again. It’s fun. Also terrifying and annoying, sometimes weird. But it’s exciting. Final goal = happiness. 

Relationships have NEVER been my forte but I’m a fucking PRO at them by now. 

A PRO bestie. A PRO girlfriend. A PRO at setting standards. A PRO at setting the worst standards known to the human race (maybe not but you get it.) A PRO control freak. A PRO easy going girl. A PRO at falling in love. A PRO at getting him to fall in love with you accidentally. A PRO manipulator. PRO committer, PRO non-committer, PRO what the fuck is this? PRO shit talker. PRO cryer. PRO at getting the fuck over it.

Many people state that females have it so much easier then men do with regards to dating. Yes – and no. The way I see it…

I’ve dated a lot of DIFFERENT people. My friends have referred to me as a serial dater. You know the type –  a person who engages in the process of systematically dating an obscene amount of people in a short span of time. I’ve been that. I’ve also been a serious girlfriend, during several of those time spans lasting over a year sometimes over 2 years. I’ve broken many hearts – I’ve finally experienced having my heart broken against my own will. I’ve broken hearts that have broken my heart to break. I’ve also been in relationships that I’ve been walked all over, given everything to a taker and just cried over it.  I’ve been in “non-relationships” – aka the “What is this?” “What are we?” “Where is this going?” “Nobody knows what’s going on?” “Not being on the same page.” I’ve been in the long-distance. I’ve been in the “age is the difference,” both as the younger & as the elder. I’ve been in the you’re too dumb for me. I’ve been in the you’re too nerdy for me. I’ve been in the you’re so much of a psycho that you still emotionally and physically stalk myself and every female I’ve ever known even though we haven’t dated in 4 years or talked in several and I’m utterly disgusted by you. I’ve gone back. I’ve done the opposite and stayed strong. It’s an interesting thing there – living your 20’s in the 2010’s + and being in relationships or non-relationships. 

You need to make sure to set the standard from the very beginning. This is where I ALWAYS go wrong. Without fail. You need to make sure that they know that they’re never in control. You stay in control. Always. You keep a mutual balance of control though – so it remains fair and even and NORMAL. In the beginning I always come off as that really cool girl that everybody wants to be around and hang out with and yadda yadda because I’m so down to earth, so normal and so much fun. He’s definitely going to want to hang out with me because well – why not? THIS IS THE PROBLEM. From the very beginning it’s all easy – it’s fun and he’s not working for anything more than getting me to hang out with him. That is, if I’m not already busy, or not working. I’ve let them have control. I let them be in control enough to gain enough power over me to fuck me over. And let me get affected.  And ultimately make me hate them. Cue the vicious cycle of never having a man that wants to commit because I have never forced them to think that commitment was a big deal for me. Because in the beginning, of course, I did not care either. Relationship dead. He’s having it all – I’m left with my negative attitude toward men and the fact that I’m always constantly setting them up for failure. 

It’s my fault. But I’ve accepted this fault. Because I’m extremely aware of it. It’s not necessarily a fault – it’s a thing that I do. It’s how I’ve remained to stay single & independent thus far. This is everything I did – and with no sight of a serious in the future. I work too much. I party too much. I don’t party enough? FALSE. I’m a bitch. I’m too nice. (also false). I am too far into myself and my goals and my drive and desires. Dare I care too much about what a man thinks or wants? Maybe – I’ve done that too – no benefit. 

I know far too many beautiful, driven, successful, smart, caring, diva, fantastic women who are truly upset and/or devastated because they don’t have “the one.” RUDE AWAKENING: YOU ARE YOUR OWN ONE!!!!! You don’t need that other person. Sometimes you do – sometimes it’s not that guy though – it’s your best friend, your parent, your sibling, your co-worker, your partner in crime. You’ll get it.

Relationships are the most difficult thing to be a part of. Because you only have power over yourself. And nobody else. You cannot control the way the other party in the relationship feels or behaves or reacts. Like if they suck – #suckstosuck. You can’t control that. You just have to move on. If they love you – and you don’t love them back. That also sucks – BUT at least you have control over it so that you can get out. Cue break up. Cue you feeling bad for a few days then you’re on to the next one. Or you’re back to being alone. Or when you’re the one who’s in love. And the other person doesn’t love you. That’s rough. You cannot make them change, no matter what you do – no matter what backwards, reverse psychology, weird online program that you bought for $59.00 to find out ways to “make it work” – (YUP!). They do not change. You change though, which makes the $59.00 worth it in the long run. Even though it took you 11 months to figure that one out. You’ll figure it out eventually. I did. I still do. 

I’m also a huge believer in the phrase, “Social media killed the break up.” Also – “SOCIAL MEDIA KILLED ERRRRRYTHING.” If you know me, you know that I’m obsessed with social media – basically too obsessed it’s an unhealthy addiction that I fight with every day. Addiction runs in my family – good thing mine is with Instagram, Twitter & (can I say) Facebook?! Die. Also Prada, Louis, Chanel, Louboutin, Vince, & JCrew. Oh, and black. Could be worse? 😉

But social media has made it virtually impossible for a person to walk out of somebody else’s life without having a constant reminder – or at the least, a small random reminder every once in awhile. Just go away, would ya?! Scenarios as follows: crazy ex bf stalks you via text message, you block his # on Verizon. He proceeds to stalk you via Facebook, block that shit. He begins to stalk/bother/harass your best friends asking about you. Nobody responds because PLEASE DON’T! Then he begins to stalk/bother/harass further distant friends that you haven’t spoken to in years – gets weirder – but it’s not your problem because again, you haven’t seen or heard from him in years and he’s like 7 boyfriends ago, sorry for that awkward miscommunication – you should just block him too. BYE. 

It also sucks when you’re hiding out – like SHIT – my friend just uploaded a pic of me while I was having so much fun and drunk at a bar or doing some really uber cool activity. “Don’t post any pics until tomorrow – do it as a #TBT because I don’t’ want anybody to know where I am right now. I told my boss I left early because I wasn’t feeling well. I don’t want my boyfriend to know that I’m having fun because I wanted to hang out with him earlier – even though I already had plans with you guys. But I wanted him to feel bad about having other plans with his friends and that he cancelled on me. I know it’s fucked up but just do it anyway because I’m your best friend and you love me?” RUN ON SENTENCES FOR DAYZZZ! #mylife 

Thirdly, it sucks when you’re getting OVER IT. Just when you don’t care enough to stop giving a fuck, stop looking on his Facebook to see if some new slut commented on it, stop checking Instagram to see if he uploaded a new “cool picture.” You’re feeling pretty great about yourself because you’re basically over it. Or you keep telling yourself that you are – He does some FUCKED UP THING to get you thinking about him again. Like sending the worst thing in the world via text message, “hey.” 


ex bf: hey

me: (slowly dies) – screenshots and sends to 27 friends begging for advice how to answer this absurd text which is never followed up by ANYTHING. then says nothing. or finally responds with “hey”


HEY?! WTF. HEY?! Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t text me “hey” —-  how the fuck am I supposed to respond to that hey? What’s up you fucking loser? Haven’t spoken in a few weeks – I’m trying my hardest to get the fuck over you but thanks for the fucking reminder that you still exist? COOL! What’s up bro? I’m GREAT! Great I’m doing fucking great over here. I would ask how are you or what’s up to you BUT I DON’T CARE! I’ve been practicing not caring for the past few weeks and I’ve been miserable doing it and it’s been really fucking great.  THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY WITH THAT “hey”.


Back to wearing black. Minding my own business and staying out of anybody & everybody’s life besides my friends who I become fucking obsessed with because obvi. 

Next up – meeting a guy who’s never going to be good enough for my fucked up standards that society has trained me to think are “normal,” leading him on enough to make him fall in love with me within a few weeks because I’m setting the wrong standards out from the get go, ending with the vicious cycle of the end all break up because I don’t know what else to do and this doesn’t feel right because something is wrong and I don’t know what to do again. Cool. 

Focusing on the things that keep me happy is what is the most important thing. After this long rant about relationships – I’m going to say that they aren’t something that makes me happy, right now. Maybe at one time a relationship did. Maybe at one time again, a relationship will make me feel happy. Final goal is happiness. Right now – that goal is completely attainable. It is forever attainable. It is only forever attainable if you don’t lose sight of what your goal is. You’re never at your goal. You’ve never quite reached it – there’s always room for improvement. If you think you’ve reached your goal, you’re just content. Which is fantastic. But you can ever change and ever grow. You can improve yourself. You can encourage others to improve themselves. You can do better. With that being said, you have a choice. 

1. Either you take it in and do better next time. 


2. You do it better right now. Today. 

Keep changing. Keep living. Keep trying. Keep succeeding. Keep loving.

Hope my rant about relationships / my therapeutic release has either given you some sort of advice or has at least made you laugh through my shit talking and not-so-subtle undertones. More to follow – a lot more where this came from. Bottom line – DO YOU.

As I said – I’m a fucking PRO at relationships. Doing well and doing awful. Questions? Ask about me. Or ask your friend about me – they may have “talked to me” for awhile. Or at least know somebody who did. 😉 Hope this post doesn’t come off slutty – and if it does…. 

Leave a Reply