Ever thought about the reason that you drink? The actual reason why you crack open a beer, uncork that lovely bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, unscrew your Ketel 1 vodka or Jameson?
Socially consuming alcohol is a NORM.
We live in a society where getting drunk is typical, normal behavior although often times your actions become abnormal. I grew up in that society at least. Please don’t take this post as though I’m a raging alcoholic because I’m not and you’re already annoying me if you think that. If you think I’m trying to show off then just click the “X” right now (at least minimize the window for 30 seconds as a punishment for yourself until you get a grip and come back to reality). Because if this is what I’m showing off about then I have much more serious problems then aforementioned. My point is not that drinking is a necessity by any means. I do my own crazy vegan detox without alcohol for days every few months. Or after my last bender from Thanksgiving until New Year’s Day. But it’s just. so. easy.
Long Island, New York – beautiful playground for teens to begin drinking at the vibrant age of 15 years old.
I wake up on a morning after drinking usually not remembering SHIT from the night before. You definitely know what I mean. It’s cool though because not all of my friends got black out at the same time last night. Meaning we all have amazing bits of information to piece together our nights and find out where our “missing friend” is or rather, who’s apartment she went back to. Or where my cell phone is, why I’m fully dressed in a unicorn outfit, how I got here and hoping I didn’t get drugged while also realizing/knowing that I must’ve. (True story).
Where do roofies even come from? Like what sick fuck manufactures those things? Side note: where can I potentially buy them? … Asking for a friend.
Whatever – I drink to feel happy? (LOL, happy).
I drink because I like to go out.
I drink to have funny experiences.
I drink to dance. I just dance though, no drinks needed.
I drink to tell the best stories the next day.
I drink to get past things.
I drink to take it easy.
I drink to celebrate accomplishments.
I drink to celebrate my failures.
My do it better next time’s.
I drink to celebrate the dates of birth of basically anyone I know because I mean… It’s a great reason to celebrate. Every weekend of the year.
Or weekday, honestly.
Weekday drinking is my favorite because why the fuck not? My non traditional career has a weird schedule which I sometimes hate & sometimes love reaping the benefits of. Aka never having to wake up early because you’re hungover from that great party you threw last night. AKA getting drunk on Monday nights.
Drinking on a Tuesday because it’s a? You guessed it! Tuesday. You’re getting smarter betches.
I drink to hang out with my friends/feel “normal” in social settings.
Do you ever HATE being the sober person at a bar? I sure do. (It’s really great for people watching though because they don’t remember and you do slash you now have pictures). ha.
And the sex. Bey & JayZ. omgzzzz
Please hold while I channel my inner Beyonce. <<<ahem, Byrdonce>>>. Just gonna hop on my surfboardt BRB.
Whatever, guys. Betches have dreams too.
Next up: being tardy to the party. MUST. I have up in the air feelings about showing up late to parties/events/bars/clubs. Not a back & fourth up in the air feeling as if I would EVER even consider showing up on time…but more of how I feel whilst doing so. Tardiness is key with events and parties. Work/important shit is on an entirely different level (although my co-workers would disagree and laugh that I even just made that statement being that it was probably the most unfair thing I’ve ever said). Anyway I have this thing about showing up on time for things – I HATE IT. I hate being early – you have to sit. and wait. and make awkward small talk conversation with people. And you’re sober. And so are they. And all you need to make you feel better is a fucking drink. But why? Wouldn’t you just rather avoid all of this awkwardness? Wouldn’t you rather avoid talking to that girl that you hardly know? Or that other girl I can’t stand because she scream-talks into my ear? Or the dude you’ve been avoiding because he’s so awkward and he wants to talk to you so bad and then he does and then you have to pretend like you’re interested in whatever he has to say. But when you’re drunk you avoid all of this. Or when you’re late.
The best option is arriving late. I do this EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s so much easier to be the guest who’s coming late to an event, because then everybody else is already there. All you do is show up and walk in. People will come say hi to you because you’re the newest thing to enter the room and they’ve already said hi and spoken to everybody else that’s there and they’re already bored of them. There’s very little effort involved and you don’t feel like you have to go out of your way for anybody or anything. Everybody has already had a couple of drinks so they’re not going to even know what time it is and how late you were to begin with. Say hi to who you want and forget whoever you’ve already forgotten anyway. As long as you have one interesting enough thing to say to people, you’re golden. Start thinking about your interesting thing. Or make it up. Not too elaborate because that’s not believable. If you’re really cool, you won’t even have to make anything up because you just talk about the hysterically ironic event that happened to you while you were walking over.
What & how you drink goes in phases: starting with stealing liquor from our parents liquor cabinets & buying Bud Light from gas stations with fake ID’s in high school. Drinking a little, getting really drunk and having mom pick me up from parties – COOL! Moving to the epic college years of 30 racks of Keystone Light / Natty Lite, gallon jugs of wine or boxed Franzia for slap the bag Wine Wednesdays & Crystal Palace. (Not to be confused with Cristal). That’s right – the handle of vodka with the red label retailing for around $12.99 for a Litre.
The glamorous years directly after (that’s now) drinking champagne for breakfast, Ketel 1 & club soda with limes for every other meal. Also known as “Old Faithful” – because it never betrays me, always excites me and it’s always there to lend a helping hand. And craft beers because they taste better. & Stella Artois – honestly because I love the name and I love the taste. And red wine because if you’re still drinking sweet white wine, you just have not seen the light of day yet. And you haven’t experienced the world yet. And you just clearly HAVE NOT DRANK ENOUGH WINE YET. White wine drinkers don’t hate – I still like you’re style but its circumstantial. White wine is meant for casual lunch drinking, afternoon drinking, and with dinner in the summer. And only if it’s dry enough. You’ll get it eventually. Same with flavored alcohol – DROP IT. Too much sugar & who actually wants to have dessert while getting fucked up?!
This guy! That’s who. 🙂 Grow up, silly. Or don’t, it’s so simple!
I’ve got to stop being so delusional. Ok I’m going to forget about it and go order a cocktail. Enjoy xo.