Men’s Closet Overhaul

Some men really know how to dress themselves. Bravo. Other guys still have their Mommies pick out and match their clothes every morning for work. This is problematic. This is where you step in with a quick & easy lesson for this idiot boyfriend of yours.

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Presentation is key because unless you’re blind, everybody can see you. It’s what gets noticed about you first, before you open your stupid mouth. Maybe people will see your smile first if you have a beautiful one. That’s only if you’re lucky. And I actually really love flannels — sorry ’bout yours, Al. 

So you’re really sick of what your man wears – like he’s still wearing jeans with a “loop” on them – those are called cargo jeans and they went out with JNCO & lee pipes in fucking 1996 with your sports team logo Starter jacket. LOSE IT. 

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OK, OK. Dramatic but whatever. There are some very fine ebay retailers selling some mint condition vintage JNCO’s if you’re looking for a Halloween 2014 costume of a 15 year #TBT. You’re welcome for the creative Halloween idea. 

I can’t believe I uploaded that photo – whatever it’s on the verge of vintage so I’m gonna leave it. Here’s the transformation piece. Vintage Fashion like this, is here to stay. Versace. Colored Denim. How could you NOT?! 

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To get your man to dress differently, you must get him to care. A little. Some dudes care and they totally get it. It’s likely they had a really cool mother or parents who cared about presentation and making sure their male child knew what’s good. Sometimes it’s learned behavior – sometimes its inherent. Some men need such immediate help. 

So when you take your man shopping for new jeans there are a few things to remember: 

Make sure know what you’re looking for. Fit is extremely important and you always want jeans that are fitted. Buy one size down because within the first few wears, jeans will stretch majorly. Then they’ll look baggy & way too big. So buy the smaller size if you’re on the fence. To make your guy fall in love with these jeans, just as he fell in love with his last pair of jeans that you now hate – he’s gotta get used the them. Have him wear them for 72 hours straight – like an entire weekend – even sleeping in them is fine – that is, if you wear clothes to sleep. At first, he’s going to be hesitant of his new tight-fitting jeans. After the weekend, he’s not going to want to take them off. Trust. Tailored clothing is the way to go – clothes that don’t fit are worse than no clothes at all. Moderately debatable. And DO NOT WASH those jeans yet! Not yet, either. The longer you wait, the better fade you’re going to get. But like, don’t be disgusting – if they’re dirty, please maintain proper hygiene. To get any beer smells or other random scents out of the jeans, hang them up after each use so they can air out – it helps. Also, always wear dark wash jeans. Maybe a crisp medium to dark, but NEVER EVER light wash jeans, just don’t do it. Or jeans with logos because besides the fact that they’re disgusting, there’s also this: 

“Whenever I see a guy wearing jeans with embroidered stuff all over them, I always think his dick is the size of a baby carrot. Really. Just realize less is more.”—Eva Amurri, actress

Few other things to think about: Try to balance a strong color with a neutral palette. Fitted hoodies look great with leather jackets. Soft vintage inspired t shirts are amazing with jeans. Henley’s are adorable because they’re casual yet polished. Aviator or wayfarer style sunglasses are classic and always perfect. Cardigans (if he’ll wear them)!!!!!!! 2 Basic Shoes a dude should always have: 1. Chic, versatile sneaker (not trainers like Jordan’s or Nike’s). 2. Stylish pair of oxfords. These are a great foundation for the wardrobe. 

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He just…does. it. well. 

Stores to hit with your man: Rothman’s NY, higher end but gorgeous men’s apparel and they make custom for all of those men who are in between sizes. You can’t really go wrong with Burberry for men – polished, clean lines, chic. Chic is a difficult word for men to embrace so only if you’re lucky. Huge fan of JCrew for dudes. Most of it. Now the waspy stuff. If you’re looking for waspy go to Vineyard Vines. And take cover if you’re planning on talking to me – kidding I love their ties. & their plaid – so GOOD. If you’re looking for great brands and you’re budgeting, Nordstrom Rack, even H&M & Uniqlo have great basics. Get him great basics even if you have to spend a little more on them. TOPMAN is good. Zara Men is also great. Just DON’T tell him names of stores because guys get weird about that stuff. You just need to pre-shop online – AKA know what they have and don’t waste his time dragging him all over looking for something that none of these stores have. Pull things in his size and pair them together and make him try outfits – not random pieces – outfits ALWAYS look better betch. 

That’s all I do. Make him commit to taking the time to try. I did it for this guy I used to date. Totally changed his style — he dresses amazing better now. Used to wear gross button-downs from Kohl’s. LOL I’ve done this time & time again so if you think I’m talking about you – you still need more help. I’ve made immense progress in the style & dress of men. I have to say that there are a bunch of better dressed men in this world because of me. You’re welcome future chicks that date my exes, you’re welcome for everything. If that’s all I’ve accomplished with them, that’s the biggest lie I’ve said today. But at least it’s a push in a positive direction. (Sidenote: I’ve also dated a guy that dressed like Macklemore and I’m not fucking kidding around. The song Thrift Shop was actually written about him – purple velour blazers & all with mismatched ties & strange pants that were ill-fitting. Oh and fur). ***Trying so hard to erase those memories from my brain.*** But I can’t stop laughing about it so I’ll just never stop. To each his own. 

One last thing – you can NEVER go wrong with black. Only if he has dandruff which means you have bigger problems & I’ll have to post a blog about men’s grooming habits and hygiene which would be weird but entertaining in the same breath. Black never fails & if you think it does, stop dating people who shed skin from their head because I’m vomiting as I type.

Hope this post aids in the objective of creating a better dressed male population. Get to work, betches. 

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