Bad Form: On Conversation

“Weather and remember when’s… are the worst form of conversation.” – not sure where I heard this, it’s a combination of Tony Soprano & my Dad but it’s a phrase that’s stuck with me.

5. Traffic

 

UGH, can you believe that traffic?! I can’t believe that traffic. Traffic, traffic, traffic. GUYS! – we LIVE in NEW YORK. Worse, on Long Island – where the population density is so massive in regard to available space for all the people and cars. Hence, the traffic. DUH – if you don’t like it – move. Stop complaining about it because I don’t want to hear your voice for another minute.  If it were a U.S. state, Long Island would rank 13th in population(after Virginia) and first in population density. So there’s that. Daily commuting is not fun. Subways are not fun. LIRR is not fun. Flying, also not fun. It’s part of life and everyone does it. Just because its common, does not mean that it’s a good topic of conversation. Shhhhhh.

 

4. Work Life

 

If you’re not interested in your job, I’m definitely not interested in your job. If it takes you more than 30 seconds to get me interested in the topic at hand, please do not proceed. I could care less that your co-worker is giving you anxiety because you think he’s trying to take over your job. I get that you have to spend 40 or more hours a week at this job, so you should definitely have some form of interest in it – which is great. But that does not mean that I do. Unless you work in fashion, food, fitness or being fabulous, please do not proceed. Maybe harsh, I do like some of your jobs, friends! I love you all, but no. Unless I ask about your job, then I’m actually interested and you better tell me stuff. I don’t want to hear about how crappy your boss is UNLESS the story is so amazingly funny and worth it.

 

3. Illness

 

Ooooof, please don’t. Nobody wants to hear about illness and poor health conditions. Definitely a downer. Please don’t tell me your grandparent was just put into a nursing home because she’s having liver failure. Please also do not give me any information about the fungus growing on your big toe. Or the wort on your left hand. (Aren’t they contagious?! Only wrote about this because I had one recently). LOL my friends will probably hate me for writing this because I definitely talked to ALL OF THEM about this because it freaked me out and I like to inquire about what people think about my random extremities and illnesses. OK SO NOW THAT THAT’S OVER!!!  See what I mean, perfect example. Shut up, Ashley. It’s just a sad and negative emotional state that you’d generally like to avoid in typical conversation with basically anybody.

 

2. Remember that time when….?

 

“Remember when” is an excuse to reminisce into the past. There’s no forward motion, no forward thinking or movement. It’s doing absolutely nothing for your brain in regard to growth. Cool – jogging your memory is fun. And you’re both going to have different accounts of whatever it is you’re remembering, but it’s really not doing anything for any party involved. Maybe I don’t want to talk about that past event. It’s a part of the past for a reason, obviously. Why don’t you talk about a future event or a current event in your life? There’s my Tony.

1. Weather

 

The topic of weather is awful. The main issue with conversations about weather is that there’s nothing to be done about it! You can’t change it. Weather IS weather, you hear about it, you check weather.com or your iPhone weather app, you dress accordingly, and move on with your life!!!!  People who comment about it all day make me want to barf all over them. This conversation never gets betterwhat are you going to debate about it? NO – because it’s not that serious. And if you’re wrong, you’re just like whatever weather man that was wrong. NEWS FLASH: It’s going to change. A convo regarding weather will bring absolutely nothing positive into your brain because it’s one of two things. Weather is a past experience you already have gone through or it’s a future experience you are most likely already aware of because you check the weather every day. The conversations are just a lot of agreement.  “It’s been good/bad/average the past days, right?”  “Right.”  OR “Can’t wait for winter to be over. It’s been a rough one, huh?!” “Yeah it has been.” There’s never been a disagreement about weather. And if you really disagree about weather, you’re both morons and one of you is just a worse off moron for having to listen to the other person.

 

You’re welcome.

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Cauliflower Crust Pizza

OMG – this is really ridiculously delicious. Cauliflower Crust Pizza. My attempts to eat healthy are really just for fun because I can slam a package of Oreo’s like nobody’s business. I also try not to sacrifice taste for health – how messed up does this sound….

In most cases, I’m all about the “real deal” – only because I’m obsessed with pizza. But for this recipe, I’ll change. Copied this entire recipe except I doubled the ingredients. I didn’t actually follow the quantities of cauliflower – used 2 heads of cauliflower – medium to large in size. Her “small size” recommendation is for the birds or you’re going to get the smallest pizza ever.

We did half fresh mozzarella (which was definitely the better side) & half packaged mozz & parmesan. Also you’re going to be SHOCKED to see how much water really comes out of the cauliflower when you squeeze. It’s also the most important part.

Yields: 8 medium sized slices or enough for 4 people. Great idea for a girls dinner party – which is exactly what my friends and I did.

emPOWERED bag

Came across this “to-die-for” clutch that launched back in January and immediately put in my pre-order for the black color! Introducing emPOWERED.

How often have you been out somewhere and you’re phone flashes you that cute little message, LOW BATTERY. For me, basically every single day – multiple times per day. It’s bad. Probably from all of the selfies I was taking…oops. 0% = I die.

My Worst Nightmare...
My Worst Nightmare…

This “IT bag” – IT standing for “basically being a celeb because it’s such a coveted item” and IT standing for Information Technology because, THIS bag charges phones!  

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Dreams and prayers from phone over-users & over-abusers have been answered! If you’re like me, you’re constantly in fear that your phone will die and you won’t be able to reply to a message, check Instagram, Twitter, FB, Google ANYTHING…obsessed? Yes, unfortunately.

The bag’s built-in charger can take your phone’s battery from 0 to 100%! emPOWERED uses a USB connection so whatever device you’re using can get charged! iPhone 4 & 5, Android, Kindle, even cameras (who even uses those anymore, honestly?).

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The design is rather chic – can be worn as a cross-body with a long strap, carried as a clutch on date night or GNO & it’s even thin enough to be tucked into your larger day bag or work bag. It’s leather which is a bonus for me because I love leather. It’s black which is a bonus for everybody because it goes with everything. emPOWERED comes in different colors, patterns and materials and is priced at a steal of $149. The brand just launched their “Large Leather Tote” that is a godsend & perfect for students, work commuters, and people who carry their lives in their handbags!

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Posing with my new tech gear!  ashley empowered bag

Excited to use this puppy on my upcoming adventures! Also looking forward to never fearing the inability to stalk my friends, upload an artsy Instagram or look up directions when I’m lost every day of my life.

Image via EmpoweredBag.com
Image via EmpoweredBag.com

Charging complete. 100%.

CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreens, Duane Reade…

“Yeah, I hang out with him sometimes because it’s really convenient.” 

 

Oh really. WTF am I – CVS?

I keep telling myself to “Stop using your life/body as a convenience store.” You don’t need it as badly as you think. Do I really need to remain constant in anything in my life because it’s convenient? No. Not at all. Convenience isn’t even worth anything to me. Change is the only constant in our lives. Fuck that CVS style convenience store lifestyle.

Actually – theoretically speaking, go to that CVS on the corner, buy yourself some pick-me-ups…and change!! Small changes everyday make for a greater change over time. So many options, so little time. Make a move, get things done. Do what makes you happy – not what’s easiest.

Working away from convenience store life and into extreme, meticulous thought process life is difficult. Like a large department store? Specific boutique? Mall of America? Black Friday midnight madness? Manhattan during the week before Christmas? Bingo. Complexities are scarier for sure, but I think they’re more worth it in the long run. (Also unsure if this shopping comparison made sense to anybody besides myself). At least I’m being inconvenient! LOLZ.

Begin an inconvenience store – start working extremely hard at things that need extreme work in your life. You know what they are – those things that you’ve been avoiding doing. Your New Year’s Resolutions 2014! (2013, 2012…) That you forgot about because that holiday was like so long ago and it’s already been Valentine’s Day & St. Patrick’s Day and you’re way over it by now. Also you’re probably hungover. Deep within, the things that need improvement and that you recognize, are the most meaningful in your life. Just because something is convenient, does not make it right. Or easy. Because convenience is sometimes the most inconvenient thing present in your life.

Say goodbye and be free of the convenience store – ie. ex-boyfriend you were still hooking up with occasionally or at your own convenience. Cool – that’s nice, until it’s not. Until you’re over it. Until you’ve been burned so many times that you’re unaffected by the burn. That’s when you start burning him. It’s not always a guy – it could be a relative, a friend, a co-worker, anybody you know, your worth much more than a goddamn drugstore or 7-11. Give yourself a little bit of motivation and peace the fuck out. Welcome in a lifetime of happiness for you. Work hard at it because convenience is over rated and it usually comes at a much higher price.

I mean, it’s only good when it’s like chocolate being the end cap at the tampon aisle.

Perfect Product Placement Bro
Perfect Product Placement Bro

Living Luminizer

There’s much to say about organic beauty products – like, they’re actually good for your skin! There’s also much to say about J.Crew…. And my obsession with it! J.Crew is featuring the “Signature J.Crew Model Glow” right now & basically, always.

These girls look effortlessly flawless – such clean, crisp and perfect faces. Just the right amount of dewiness to create a fresh look that will never go out of style. J.Crew reveals that their secret weapon to making these girls look this way — organic beauty line RMS Beautymore specifically – the “Living Luminizer.”

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“the models look like they are lit from within.”

Rushed to J.Crew.com to find out that they were sold out of this glorious goop. Luckily the RMS Beauty website was in stock, shipped immediately and I had my luminizer within 2 days! Now that is quality service.

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Application – you’re going to want to only use a little bit! Apply with your fingers in a dabbing motion. It will feel a little thick or “dewy” at first. If you swipe it on, it will remove your foundation or other make-up. No swiping!

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photo 1 (1)You’re going to want to dab the luminizer over the cheekbones, down the bridge of your nose, inner corners of your eyes, direct center of your eyelids and right above the “cupid’s bow” in the center of your lips.

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Brighter! I love showing DIY beauty tips/tricks because it just feels so much more OK to see it done on a “normal” DEFINITELY NOT NORMAL person than to see it done on a more than gorge J.Crew model. I look exactly like the J.Crew models in the look book below, right?! This wears really well throughout the day as well and I highly recommend it!

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from J.Crew Look Book

Never Ending Quotes

Being connected 24/7 leaves us with constant contact. Photos, quotes, articles, blog posts, videos, etc. Quotes on Instagram are the most motivating, yet irritating thing to happen to me within the past 3 years. (dramatic statement).

Sometimes amazingly inspiring, other times, so tame, boring and downright annoying (especially when I saw a celebrity post the same exact quote about 17 minutes before you did). I bet you’re wondering..whats the most annoying quote a beautiful, single girl has ever heard? (No? Not even close to what you were wondering?! I don’t care, I’m still gonna tell ya!).

“Love yourself before anyone else can.”– Marilyn Monroe, Maya Angelou, Betsy Ross, Helen Keller…

Pretty much, insert any believable author that may or may not have actually said this ridiculous fucking quote.

So, I’m single. So what?
Does it bother me? Yes. When I’m bored. When am I bored? All of the fucking time…

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What’s worse than having ADD? Funny you should ask… because the only thing worse than having undiagnosed ADD, (which as a female, we clearly all have some form of), is having your shit somewhat together and then BAM! Having no one else to share it with. Nobody to help organize your chaos with or fix your ridiculous “problems,” or help you do random shit you can’t do don’t feel like doing. OH, and spend every waking moment together! That is exactly what a male companion has and probably will be for the remainder, so as long as we both shall live? Right? Right? Please help here, not really aware…just going with observations.

So-you want to set me up with your amazing son/nephew/grandson/co-worker/metrosexual best friend’s friend. I get it. I’m fabulous-everything about me is fabulous but do you know why? Because I love me. A lot. So why the need to write a quote? Or Instagram/Facebook tag me in something some old bitch said about loving yourself?  Do we need people to tell us to brush our teeth or to drive on the right side of the road? NO-ITS FUCKING COMMON SENSE.

Why don’t you love yourself? Why don’t you love your life? Funny thing is-you’re the one that is in control of your happiness..as well as your misery.  Seems ta meeee that you’re really just controlling your own misery, you placid bitch. GET HAPPY. NOW.

Do you know how simple it is? It’s called a fucking smile.  Have you ever seen what you look like frowning? Its ugly- like Kim K crying ugly (okay not that ugly-but still).

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So..are people telling you to “love yourself?” Maybe if you smiled or showered or dyed your hair or did anything that showed you cared one fucking second about yourself, this quote wouldn’t bother you.

Honestly…like. I dont want to share me with anyone. I’ve been in situations where I was sharing myself – my loves. my interests. my damn family. And what did I get in return? Well aside from some heights in anger and blood pressure-I got a lot of bullshit in return.

So if you’re wondering if I love myself -yes of course I do. And I’m not letting anyone else love me for a long time. So like… give your brother’s number to someone else. I’d rather pay for my own buzz with people I like.

The 2014 Spring Shoe Pledge

The 2014 Spring Shoe Pledge

Received an email this morning from a chic boutique “SHU Salon” in Charlotte, NC. The retail shop offers ladies shoes, handbags and accessories, they’re launching men’s shoes this Spring. This pledge rocks and when I originally read it, I knew it was a shoe etiquette must-share.

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“I’ve been sharing this pledge for over a decade…It’s so true…so relevant…so honest… 🙂
Remove your right shoe, grab your big toe and repeat after me…
  • I PROMISE to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. The sides and tops of my feet will not protrude out between the straps. This type of protrusion has been and always will be referred to as “bread-a-rising.” Keep bread only in the oven.shoesarecarbfree
  • I WILL go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe. I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I promise not to tape my toenail onto my toe if it should fall off either. If my nails are dead, I promise to partner with my doctor to de-fungus-among-us.
  • I WILL shave the hairs off my big toe. If they are long enough to braid, they are too long! Don’t embrace your “butchness” or becoming one with Mother Earth.
  • I WILL NOT wear Crocs! Yes, I believe they are unbelievably comfortable, but I will only wear them if I am under 22 years old. Besides, we all know that Crocs and escalators do not mesh well together.  Plus, the idea of washing your shoes while you shower is JUST NOT that sexy!crocs bc
  • I WILL NOT wear suntan pantyhose with open toe or sandals even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother or sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there. Super glue is not an option, either. Not even if you are Raquel Welch!
  • If a strap breaks, I WON’T duct-tape, staple, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it. Shoe repair must be on speed dial. ***(I have unashamedly walked 5 city NYC blocks with one foot barefoot to purchase a new pair of thongs because somebody gave me a flat tire. And passed about 4 shoe stores because I wanted a specific pair. BAD, but worth it).***
  • I WILL NOT wear toe rings.  Hello, the eighties are calling and they want their toe rings back. And for the good of mankind, I will make a sizable donation to my charity of choice for every toe ring I currently wear. Trust us, you should pay-it-forward for all of us.  But most importantly, this little piggie wants to go home! Unleash it!
  • I WILL NOT say words like corns, hammertoes or bunions.  I understand these are not sexy words and will not get me a date or a phone call. These are words that should remain unspoken at all times just like gas, acid reflux and diarrhea.  We all know it happens, but never should be the dinner table conversation.shoesspeaklouder
  • I PROMISE if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them. Scraping your feet on the floor is not going to grab a significant other and may scratch the hardwoods.
  • I PROMISE to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear…nothing is worse than dirty white sandals. WHITE is in, just not dirty white. Replace those containing millions of miles with new ones.footwear-reminders-ecard-someecards
  • I WILL NOT wear Dansko with shorts or dresses no matter how comfortable and heavenly they feel. They should be only be worn in operating rooms or hospitals by those in the medical field. I will realize that if I do want to wear Dansko’s that I will just strap a shoe box on each foot and walk away the day!
  • I PROMISE never to say “I can’t wear that heel height at my age!” If I feel moved to say that, I will gladly say, I can’t wear that heel height for fear of death while wearing the shoes! I promise not to make my age the reason…Just say, I don’t like to look down at my peers.
  • I PROMISE to be able to walk properly in any heel height that I wear.  A baby calf walking isn’t sexy like a lady who keeps falling off of her heels. NOW, we love a great nose bleed heel. But, only wear them if you can balance from “Point A” to “Point B” and back.  If not, I will commit to Dan The Shoe Man’s High Heel Walking Class in April. (ALSO AMAZING!).
Pass this to all of your friends…
we must stick together …
Together, we can save the world and ourselves one sole at a time!
Thanks, Dan. Love the mantra.

Daily Etiquette for Everybody- According to Me.

IMG_8717There are some things that people do that just get UNDERNEATH my skin. Way under there. So far under that I’m basically cringing and it feels like leeches are sucking my blood. I’m dramatic, I know. Fair warning – complaints on complaints listed below.

The way I feel about etiquette is quite similar to the way that the dictionary has words spelled. It should be correct, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Line Proximity – The “Too Close for Comforts”

Step away from the… ME! Please let me breathe and stop standing so close to me that I can feel your breath.

“As far as I’m concerned, people are informally allowed a two-foot radius of empty space that strangers should not cross. Why does no one follow this? Sometimes, when I’m standing in line, the eager person behind me moves forward so quickly, before I know it, I’m wearing said person as a backpack.” – The Man Repeller

Shouters

Like hi, I get the fact that you’re having a really exciting conversation with the person sitting next to you. I get the fact that you may be intoxicated or may not be, but really?! Shut up. Nobody else in this small area of a LIRR train wants to hear about the carrots that your 3 year old child had for dinner last night. Nobody, ever! Pipe down.

Conversationalists in Small & Awkward Spaces

Elevator commentator. Sir, why do you want to be both awkward and fake in that small cramped space? Please, for the love of God, just don’t talk to talk … “Pretty sunny out there!” No shit! I don’t know you and also don’t give a shit. You don’t need to talk to me just because we’re in the same space. And if you really did want to talk because you’re feeling awkward, THAT comment did not make it less awkward. Failed attempt.

Squatters versus Sitters 

See previous post regarding peeing in public places. Keep it tidy, people.

Rhetorical Questionnaires

Stop asking me questions that you know the goddamn answer to. Just because you want to hear yourself talk, does not mean that I do.

The “After You” People

Thanks, dude. Its understood that you’re being courteous because I’m a female and allowing me to do something first.  But do you really need to make a huge deal out of the fact that you’re being overly polite and/or courteous? Must you let it be known?! “No, no! After you!” Great, thanks. Now if I don’t take your kind gesture nicely, I look like a bitch in public. Maybe the reason I don’t want you to let me walk in front of you is because I don’t want you staring at my ass. Or I don’t want to be looked at by you at all- so just continue on your way and I’ll walk at whatever speed I please.

The Cutters

I’m walking in to a store and I’m obviously in a rush because who isn’t? Sometimes, I’m feeling like really nice and I hold the door for somebody. Like maybe they’re elderly, or maybe they’re just about to reach the door at the same point in time as I am and I’m just feeling courteous. And they walk in ahead of me – like a freakin’ split second because I was nice enough to hold the door for them or let them walk in first. And they take it in stride and continue to CUT me?! Sure, go right ahead and walk in first, but you better fucking offer me to go ahead of you on the line in the pharmacy, or to reach the bank teller first, or whatever else it may be. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t do this, because it’s polite. And you’re welcome for not slamming the door in your face or awkwardly hip-checking you to get to the register before you do because that’s what I actually WANT to do.

The Smelly Guy 

I’m sorry, have you showered this week month year?! I just got into your cab, because you are providing a SERVICE to me. You’re driving me from Point A to Point B. And it fucking smells like a raccoon crawled up under the hood of your car and fucking died. Please drop me off at the next fucking corner because I cannot stand the smell of your vehicle and I may add to the stench by throwing up my lunch all over the backseat. How can you operate a “business” whilst being smelly? Do not understand.

The Double Triple Checker

People have little faith in other people. It’s difficult to, in a world where everybody is ‘out to get you’ and we’re all so self-centered. I’m not exactly the best example of this because I don’t totally follow this rule because, I firmly believe that people are idiots. BUT – I am not one (usually). When I’m at work and I’m asked to do something, I do it. When I’m reminded to do something, I abso-fucking-lutely do it. Thanks for checking in with me 3 or more times to make sure that something gets done, because after the 4th or 5th time that you ask or remind me, I’m going to pretend like I have no idea what you’re talking about or actually not do it because you’ve allowed yourself to annoy me beyond belief. Just trust me – bye.

Introductions

Please do the right thing here – don’t make anybody around you feel uncomfortable. The correct form of introduction can really make any social setting much more pleasant.  At an event or party, the intro immediately puts people at ease and can enhance the experience for everyone! Hey adorable guy from work <name>, this is my bestie <name>, you both have this really great thing in common. Easy!  In business, they can open doors to networking – who doesn’t love networking? And everywhere else, they are just good form for those involved – an opportunity to connect and bring people together. The key to a great introduction is taking time to highlight interests or qualities complimentary to each person, and to be inclusive… You never know who you yourself may meet in the process.

Table Manners

Oh, I’m probably going to save an entire post for this one! <excited face> Key points are: say please, say thank you, don’t speak while chewing, wipe your face, wait your turn, take reasonable sized bites. Follow these and you’ll be OK until I post my specific table manners piece.

Technology During Inappropriate Times

There’s a time and a place – for everything. Checking your Twitter, Facebook, Instagram – (if you’re not following me by now, absolutely DO SO IMMEDIATELY) should be done in the correct setting. AKA don’t do this while driving. Traffic lights are not appropriate for this (learned from experience). Dinner plans are not appropriate either. Best times – morning when you wake up, when you have a few free minutes during the day, and before bed at night. Don’t be checking your Insta while at work and trying to provide a service to ME because I’ll let you know how inappropriate it is and make you feel exceptionally dumber than you actually are. Warning.

I can go on for a long time, but look for more installations regarding etiquette ASAP!