On second thoughts…? Maybe I do need somebody.
Maybe that’s what’s been missing this entire time.
And I’m upset and that’s why I’ve been so unsure of myself because I don’t have someone. I’m lacking the support. I use being ‘single and available’ as a tool when I should really just be available. I legitimately love the feeling of being secure. I don’t know if I love it because I have never actually had it. Or felt it. Do I even know what security is? Does anybody? Is marriage an actual secure thing anymore – not at all. People may disagree with what I’m about to say but I’m going to say it anyway. Growing up and to this very day, my family has not been able to provide that type of security for me. Nobody has honestly. That’s why I’m so fucked. I’ve never felt it and I’m constantly longing for it. The perfect thing. The perfect love. The perfect man. I don’t know if it’s even real. How real is perfect? How perfect is perfect? If nobody’s perfect is the same, then what is the gradient of perfection that everybody is striving for? Where does this even come from and who’s to say who the judge is? But then when I do in fact find something that’s OKAY, am I settling? We shouldn’t settle, right ladies? Everybody always tells us that. Don’t settle.
I want to feel that feeling that’s so happy. So good that nothing’s wrong when you’re with that person. Your cares go away and the drama of the day or the outside world or life’s everyday nuances, are gone. The personal things – the really personal things —–I’m about to go in right now so excuse my deep personal thoughts of this post. —- My disease, my dad’s terminal cancer, my little brother being incarcerated for drug abuse, my own personal struggles with diabetes & health– my intense shopping addiction – (I’m telling you it’s certifiable), my constant fear of the unknown and my struggle to find myself and what I want to do. Feeling like I don’t know what to do with my career and where I make a move to – this all leaves me. It goes away when I’m with that person – the person who just makes me feel good and brings a smile to the face that doesn’t necessarily go away. Is that part of what being in love feels like? Or is it called something else?
Rob always called it a distraction – he loved to feel that he was my distraction and I always was able to feel happy and carefree and great when we were together. He still thinks of it that way. He was really good at that – really good. Still makes me cry kinda but I’m forever thankful for that. I always wanted more than a distraction but settled for it. Because distractions are great as much as they are complete and utter madness.
Maybe a relationship would be good for me? I’ve become so cynical on the subject of relationships because I’ve had such a long winding list of failures. The most fucked up part about it is that I’m honestly friends with all of the people I’ve failed at dating. I’m weird. I don’t know how to do any of this. But DOES ANYBODY? NO! I’m scared to be alone for the rest of my life. This sounds insane because I’m so young and people don’t find love until they’re much older and even if they do – it doesn’t even last. Have I seen divorce rates in the US? Or the world? Yeah, yeah – I have. Just because my parents were divorced after 20 + years of marriage doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in marriage or in love. I’m not a huge fan of if and I don’t see what all the hype is about having a wedding/marriage. But I think my main issue with it is that I’ve never been in a place where I could be able to willingly succumb to it.
I don’t actually have a cold heart. I want to be that person for somebody. I want to get it together. Although I make fun of people (pathetic, I know) who are trying to get their lives together and are getting married and are in love and are being so boring not doing anything fun like getting hammered with me 3 nights a week – I kind of want that.
Back to basics – I have no clue what I’m doing and I like it that way. Your boyfriend and I would make a really cute couple. As more progression occurs, I’ll let you guys know. Thanks for bearing with me through these awkward confessions from the life of Ashley Byrd.
“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.” – Frida Kahlo