Daily Etiquette for Everybody- According to Me.

IMG_8717There are some things that people do that just get UNDERNEATH my skin. Way under there. So far under that I’m basically cringing and it feels like leeches are sucking my blood. I’m dramatic, I know. Fair warning – complaints on complaints listed below.

The way I feel about etiquette is quite similar to the way that the dictionary has words spelled. It should be correct, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Line Proximity – The “Too Close for Comforts”

Step away from the… ME! Please let me breathe and stop standing so close to me that I can feel your breath.

“As far as I’m concerned, people are informally allowed a two-foot radius of empty space that strangers should not cross. Why does no one follow this? Sometimes, when I’m standing in line, the eager person behind me moves forward so quickly, before I know it, I’m wearing said person as a backpack.” – The Man Repeller

Shouters

Like hi, I get the fact that you’re having a really exciting conversation with the person sitting next to you. I get the fact that you may be intoxicated or may not be, but really?! Shut up. Nobody else in this small area of a LIRR train wants to hear about the carrots that your 3 year old child had for dinner last night. Nobody, ever! Pipe down.

Conversationalists in Small & Awkward Spaces

Elevator commentator. Sir, why do you want to be both awkward and fake in that small cramped space? Please, for the love of God, just don’t talk to talk … “Pretty sunny out there!” No shit! I don’t know you and also don’t give a shit. You don’t need to talk to me just because we’re in the same space. And if you really did want to talk because you’re feeling awkward, THAT comment did not make it less awkward. Failed attempt.

Squatters versus Sitters 

See previous post regarding peeing in public places. Keep it tidy, people.

Rhetorical Questionnaires

Stop asking me questions that you know the goddamn answer to. Just because you want to hear yourself talk, does not mean that I do.

The “After You” People

Thanks, dude. Its understood that you’re being courteous because I’m a female and allowing me to do something first.  But do you really need to make a huge deal out of the fact that you’re being overly polite and/or courteous? Must you let it be known?! “No, no! After you!” Great, thanks. Now if I don’t take your kind gesture nicely, I look like a bitch in public. Maybe the reason I don’t want you to let me walk in front of you is because I don’t want you staring at my ass. Or I don’t want to be looked at by you at all- so just continue on your way and I’ll walk at whatever speed I please.

The Cutters

I’m walking in to a store and I’m obviously in a rush because who isn’t? Sometimes, I’m feeling like really nice and I hold the door for somebody. Like maybe they’re elderly, or maybe they’re just about to reach the door at the same point in time as I am and I’m just feeling courteous. And they walk in ahead of me – like a freakin’ split second because I was nice enough to hold the door for them or let them walk in first. And they take it in stride and continue to CUT me?! Sure, go right ahead and walk in first, but you better fucking offer me to go ahead of you on the line in the pharmacy, or to reach the bank teller first, or whatever else it may be. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t do this, because it’s polite. And you’re welcome for not slamming the door in your face or awkwardly hip-checking you to get to the register before you do because that’s what I actually WANT to do.

The Smelly Guy 

I’m sorry, have you showered this week month year?! I just got into your cab, because you are providing a SERVICE to me. You’re driving me from Point A to Point B. And it fucking smells like a raccoon crawled up under the hood of your car and fucking died. Please drop me off at the next fucking corner because I cannot stand the smell of your vehicle and I may add to the stench by throwing up my lunch all over the backseat. How can you operate a “business” whilst being smelly? Do not understand.

The Double Triple Checker

People have little faith in other people. It’s difficult to, in a world where everybody is ‘out to get you’ and we’re all so self-centered. I’m not exactly the best example of this because I don’t totally follow this rule because, I firmly believe that people are idiots. BUT – I am not one (usually). When I’m at work and I’m asked to do something, I do it. When I’m reminded to do something, I abso-fucking-lutely do it. Thanks for checking in with me 3 or more times to make sure that something gets done, because after the 4th or 5th time that you ask or remind me, I’m going to pretend like I have no idea what you’re talking about or actually not do it because you’ve allowed yourself to annoy me beyond belief. Just trust me – bye.

Introductions

Please do the right thing here – don’t make anybody around you feel uncomfortable. The correct form of introduction can really make any social setting much more pleasant.  At an event or party, the intro immediately puts people at ease and can enhance the experience for everyone! Hey adorable guy from work <name>, this is my bestie <name>, you both have this really great thing in common. Easy!  In business, they can open doors to networking – who doesn’t love networking? And everywhere else, they are just good form for those involved – an opportunity to connect and bring people together. The key to a great introduction is taking time to highlight interests or qualities complimentary to each person, and to be inclusive… You never know who you yourself may meet in the process.

Table Manners

Oh, I’m probably going to save an entire post for this one! <excited face> Key points are: say please, say thank you, don’t speak while chewing, wipe your face, wait your turn, take reasonable sized bites. Follow these and you’ll be OK until I post my specific table manners piece.

Technology During Inappropriate Times

There’s a time and a place – for everything. Checking your Twitter, Facebook, Instagram – (if you’re not following me by now, absolutely DO SO IMMEDIATELY) should be done in the correct setting. AKA don’t do this while driving. Traffic lights are not appropriate for this (learned from experience). Dinner plans are not appropriate either. Best times – morning when you wake up, when you have a few free minutes during the day, and before bed at night. Don’t be checking your Insta while at work and trying to provide a service to ME because I’ll let you know how inappropriate it is and make you feel exceptionally dumber than you actually are. Warning.

I can go on for a long time, but look for more installations regarding etiquette ASAP!

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