The 2014 Spring Shoe Pledge
Received an email this morning from a chic boutique “SHU Salon” in Charlotte, NC. The retail shop offers ladies shoes, handbags and accessories, they’re launching men’s shoes this Spring. This pledge rocks and when I originally read it, I knew it was a shoe etiquette must-share.
- I PROMISE to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. The sides and tops of my feet will not protrude out between the straps. This type of protrusion has been and always will be referred to as “bread-a-rising.” Keep bread only in the oven.
- I WILL go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe. I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I promise not to tape my toenail onto my toe if it should fall off either. If my nails are dead, I promise to partner with my doctor to de-fungus-among-us.
- I WILL shave the hairs off my big toe. If they are long enough to braid, they are too long! Don’t embrace your “butchness” or becoming one with Mother Earth.
- I WILL NOT wear Crocs! Yes, I believe they are unbelievably comfortable, but I will only wear them if I am under 22 years old. Besides, we all know that Crocs and escalators do not mesh well together. Plus, the idea of washing your shoes while you shower is JUST NOT that sexy!
- I WILL NOT wear suntan pantyhose with open toe or sandals even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother or sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there. Super glue is not an option, either. Not even if you are Raquel Welch!
- If a strap breaks, I WON’T duct-tape, staple, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it. Shoe repair must be on speed dial. ***(I have unashamedly walked 5 city NYC blocks with one foot barefoot to purchase a new pair of thongs because somebody gave me a flat tire. And passed about 4 shoe stores because I wanted a specific pair. BAD, but worth it).***
- I WILL NOT wear toe rings. Hello, the eighties are calling and they want their toe rings back. And for the good of mankind, I will make a sizable donation to my charity of choice for every toe ring I currently wear. Trust us, you should pay-it-forward for all of us. But most importantly, this little piggie wants to go home! Unleash it!
- I WILL NOT say words like corns, hammertoes or bunions. I understand these are not sexy words and will not get me a date or a phone call. These are words that should remain unspoken at all times just like gas, acid reflux and diarrhea. We all know it happens, but never should be the dinner table conversation.
- I PROMISE if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them. Scraping your feet on the floor is not going to grab a significant other and may scratch the hardwoods.
- I PROMISE to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear…nothing is worse than dirty white sandals. WHITE is in, just not dirty white. Replace those containing millions of miles with new ones.
- I WILL NOT wear Dansko with shorts or dresses no matter how comfortable and heavenly they feel. They should be only be worn in operating rooms or hospitals by those in the medical field. I will realize that if I do want to wear Dansko’s that I will just strap a shoe box on each foot and walk away the day!
- I PROMISE never to say “I can’t wear that heel height at my age!” If I feel moved to say that, I will gladly say, I can’t wear that heel height for fear of death while wearing the shoes! I promise not to make my age the reason…Just say, I don’t like to look down at my peers.
- I PROMISE to be able to walk properly in any heel height that I wear. A baby calf walking isn’t sexy like a lady who keeps falling off of her heels. NOW, we love a great nose bleed heel. But, only wear them if you can balance from “Point A” to “Point B” and back. If not, I will commit to Dan The Shoe Man’s High Heel Walking Class in April. (ALSO AMAZING!).
we must stick together …
Together, we can save the world and ourselves one sole at a time!