‘Grammin Play by Play

Instagram Posting Laws

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How often is too often? How do you want your top 9 to look? Top 9 isn’t a thing – I just want it to be – it’s basically the 9 photos that you can immediately see if you check on a person’s Instagram page on the graph mode (photo below).

Can’t post 2 selfies in a row. Or 2 food pics on a row. Or 2 of the same thing in a row. You need to create a nice balance.

Order of the 9 photos that are seen by everyone on your insta home page:

1. Random piece of furniture.
2. Selfie
3. Delicious/pretty looking food
4. Best friends doing something cool.
5. Scenery pic
6. TBT
7. Quote/words – (girls lol)
8. Dog
9. Somewhere I went with a geotag

follow me, silly!
follow me, silly!

WOMP. Basic bitch. See basics. Everything noted above is basic, LOL. #GUILTY! So basic Ash, SO. BASIC.

 

This is law for increasing likes: if you post a photo of a parent, your likes increase. Especially parents doing funny things. Like dad’s. Or grandparents –  they rule. If you post a photo of your dog, and you don’t do this daily, likes increase. Life event (engagement, graduation, job, other shit) likes increase. Cute baby that isn’t yours (or maybe is) that you also don’t upload daily (so people are excited to see it) increase. Hysterical meme of friend doing something ridiculous. Bonus points if it’s a guy. And if he’s not wearing a shirt.

Timing is everything. How you time a photo can be it’s make or break point. People open Instagram when they’re laying in bed in the morning, on lunchtime, after work and before bed. PRETTY MUCH ANYTIME, BUTTTTT BEST times to post: Weekdays: 545am12:45pm5pm,9pm. Weekends: 9am, 3-5pm.

Hashtags in the caption. Don’t do this with over 5 hashtags – it’s your hard limit. A few are okay. Bonus if they’re funny. And go well with what you’re saying. Minus points for spelling errors. And not capitalizing every new word #becauseidontalwaysknowwhatthismeansorwhenwordsendorbegin

See how annoying that is? If you absolutely MUST hashtag, do it in the comments.

How many filters on that shit betch? We know your skin doesn’t look that dull. Or that orange. So stop!

stop-it-2-650x0

Why is Kelvin even a thing? And if you use it, consider us no longer friends.
Yes, I base friendships off of Kelvin, it’s a unit of measure.

Your screenshot of iMessage convo isn’t funny. I’m sorry inside jokes are very difficult to get across on Instagram. If it’s not funny for everyone, your likes aren’t gonna be there. No recognition. Because even if I see your funny thing- which could be blatantly funny – I may not like it because I’m like “hmm what’s that about or who’s that about?” I’m too lazy to think about it and Im gonna scroll right by.

You already knew this I would imagine – I’m giving a quick refresher for all of the annoying posters on Instagram. MYSELF INCLUDED.

I know I could unfollow. But it’s not worth it because it’s just too funny to continue to follow people. Entertainment is what it’s all about and I like funny shit. I also like regular shit. Like uploading a picture of ugly ass shit because I mean… It’s funny.

Having a bad day? Bored? Obvi on Insta. Those moments are the reason we keep following those train wrecks. Nothing can perk your mood better than not double tapping a super ratchet selfie of a person you don’t know but wish you never found out existed (mostly bitches). There is hardly any quicker mood fix (aside from a cocktail or Adderall – but let’s be real, they’re not as easily accessible at your 9-5).

Hate someone? Want to hate them more? Stalk them from your friends page since they have already blocked you (they are also a hater). This can be detrimental to your health. Seeing that your life is way more tres chic is obvi a + (positive). When they do something cool that you kinda sorta wish you were doing (almost never), this is a – (negative). #InstagramSideEffectsAreREAL! 

Wondering where that guy that isn’t texting you back is? Good thing his friends non-chalantly (spelling ?) added you on Instagram that one time you met them. Because now you can peruse their Insta’s to see if he is in fact someone you should be wasting your cellular data on.

Otherwise, keep grammin and follow the rules.

xo

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GRAMMED, GRAMMIN!
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