Here’s my question for today: Should I completely hide how I feel about something just to save face?
I want to tell you a few things about my life. I don’t take things easily but I am very easily detached. I’m a person who is known for being totally “crazy” because love and life makes me act crazy. I feel like many people can relate to this. And if love especially doesn’t make you act crazy, then you’ve never loved as hard as I have. It’s not your fault, it’s just a character flaw. Ha 🙂
It’s times like this where I really miss Talia, my therapist. She mastered simple chic and she was pleasant and skinny and really just kept me grounded & stable. She made me think it was OK to cry, that sometimes I was right about things and not psycho, and sometimes I was wrong, but still not psycho. She applauded the simple things I took for granted. She led me to think about how to be happier, while feeling less guilty. And she never really gave a fuck about all the shit I admitted to her that I thought was the end of the world. She was cool. She made me cry a bunch, but I like to cry. Aside from how awful my eyes look afterwards, I feel healthy after a good cry. Maybe it’s a comfort zone. Anyway, Talia I miss you and I wish my life wasn’t so insane that we could hang out every Wednesday morning.
Setting standards for yourself is a difficult task, but an attainable one at that.
One thing Talia told me that has always stuck with me is that I am worth it. I’m worth a lot and people will follow suit with regard to how they treat me based on how I treat myself. At first I thought this was a really selfish thing to do. Then I realized I wanted new Loub’s and a new Gucci bag so I bought them for myself. This was wrong. She got pissed but they are both very beautiful, so it’s obviously a work in progress. Still working – I haven’t purchased a luxury item in 8 months. Which is MAJOR for me. I may be lying, but if I am it’s because I’ve forgotten about it, shoot me. Back to being worth it….
If I treat myself well, I value my time – (it’s worth a lot) then others should treat me well by association. Feelings by association?! When my feelings of joy/sadness/uncomfortableness(word?) are normal & ok, then others around me should follow in my footsteps. I started removing things from my life that destroyed me. Little by little. I felt well for the first time in a very long time. I was rather happy being myself, growing myself and being content on my own. I wasn’t lonely and I was really loving what I was accomplishing. Things started to fall into place, one by one. Even though I was still a complete & total mess and anybody really close to me totally knew it…Life was great.
Until things started to creep back into my life because I let my guard down. Things that were not positively serving me. People, places and behaviors that I was allowing to bring me down to their level. Again. I was writing much less – huge therapy for me. I was partying more, letting my health and wellness take a back seat. My values and happiness had gone astray. Thank god I know what they are now and that I can get back in control and take the reigns for myself. It all starts by taking a deep breath and letting go. Here’s to that. Cheers to that. Letting go.