Trashy Lifestyles Abruptly Stopping Thanks to this Heartfelt Letter

This may sound messed up, and – it is. And I’m not sure if I really care or I’m just writing this statement to make myself seem less judgmental.

Whatever – I feel like part of my calling in life is to teach trashy people from Long Island how to be less trashy. Steps are below. Many of them are directed at women because that’s who I identify with and I usually go too hard on the men, anyway.

1. Wear less eyeliner. I mean this in the proper context, of course. If you’re heading out and eyeliner is a part of your look, great. You’re not the person I’m suggesting change from, but I bet you know exactly who it is that I am talking about.

2. Stop with the excessively gnarly acrylic nails. You’re not Kylie Jenner. Even though I wish you were and her nails don’t even bother me because I love her. It’s another perception thing. I may vomit though, BRB.

3. Don’t wear pajamas in public. Any kind of pajamas. I don’t care if they’re “cute.” Don’t.

4. “You can’t dress trashy til you spend a lot of money.” Even then, still be careful.

Just recently I had a stint at the Bay Shore Mall, where I purchased “ghetto clothes” / “disposable clothing” from a store that I’m now mildly obsessed with called Agachi. I mean, the 3 things I purchased from this store are pure gold. Who has to know that the AMAZING sparkly jelly shoes I’ve been wearing ALL DAMN SUMMER with black pants & tanks /dresses were $12.90? Well now everybody does. But how awesome? I’m dressing a little bit trashy – BUT because I’ve collected a wardrobe that isn’t typically one that’s “trashy,” I feel much more comfortable rocking some trashy chic shit from a ghetto ass store occasionally. Or all summer. Also – it’s way easier to dress a little trashier during summer months.

I digress…

5. Do less. Do MUCH less. Speaking, mostly. STFU, nobody wants to hear you yelling (at your husband – how the F do you even have one?, at your children – again, how/why?, at your pet (feel so bad for that pet), into your mobile device).

6. Politely wait until it’s your turn. Basically, relax people.

7. Wear clothing that generally fits you (not too small, not too huge). Aim for your own size. Thumbs up.

8. Just go ahead and delete your Facebook. Just delete. Inactivate – whatever it is. DO US ALL A HUGE FAVOR, so we don’t have to block you and your heinous social media updates about your “intelligent” thoughts on “controversial topics.”

9. Oversharing Birthing. When you’re pregnant, ladies. Go right ahead and be pregnant. Sharing every moment, every aspect, every sonogram, every month of your girth growth in side by side comparisons – completely fucking unnecessary. I mean, we all get it – as time goes on over the next 9-10 months, YOU WILL GET LARGER. Thank. You. So. Much. For. Sharing. AND DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SHARING PHOTOS DURING BIRTH. We’ve all seen Knocked Up and don’t care to re-live the scene until we’re going through it ourselves. Enough.

10. Get off your cell phone while driving. I bet know we’re all guilty of this, whether it’s trashy or not. But like… for some reason, whenever I see a person doing this… they’re usually a bit more likely to be trashy than not. And swerving into my lane on the LIE. And driving so slow on a merge.

11. Bumper stickers on your car. Or the little people / family stickers on the back of your minivan window. Just no.

12. Spotting fake bags / discussing fake bags. What the ACTUAL F is anybody still doing with a fake handbag? Do something real. Doesn’t matter the price. Just don’t.

Keep Long Island Beautiful <3 




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