How long does it take you to respond to a text sometimes? You stare and read, re-read, screenshot, ask for help… think some more.
FINALLY, press “Send.”
And the idiot you sent it to STILL does not understand exactly what you meant. You failed at getting your point across correctly. Tone is not conveyed through a text. And that sucks. Especially for an overly expressive individual like myself.
OK, so – if you’re planning on texting me in incomplete sentences that are not specific abbreviations or current/relevant words, YOU’RE OUT.
“Imma b @ da beach. How boutchu mamii?”
UMMMMMMMM… wait. Excuse me? How do you survive in society? Don’t ever send me a a text again. I don’t understand your 1990’s style of ghetto texting. Actually reminds me of that commercial with the dad saying shit like “mad cool” or “fresh” or something gross. You can only get away with that if you have swagger. Or if you’re very funny. Even then, it’s questionable. Highly unlikely.
This is the EXACT moment when you turn on your “Read Receipts” and “forget to answer” for a few days. He’ll know. Obvi – IGNORED. Obvi- get outta here. You know I’m not texting you back and you also now know why.
This post originally started off as a guest blog, but I have so much to say so it changed to a collaborative post featuring:
a dear friend and fellow “Queen Betch of Awkward Moments” Kelly Nolan (@kellynonoo).
What Can Go So Horribly Wrong When Texting:
What this world is missing is a Webster’s Dictionary for text message responses that can lead to complete awk-ness and mixed signals.
Let me start with my least fav, the “k”.
As the world has evolved to what it is in 2014, so has the “k”. There is now capital k, “K” and lower case k, “k” and if you’re me, you will literally respond to people as “k, capital” or “k, lowercase”.
Here’s the deal: The capital K is more of a hateful response. Like, once you receive that you should feel like you just got shanked. The lowercase k is more of a lazy response – it’s like you want to reply, but the “O” is just a stretch above that “k” and then adding the “a-y”, no way – you’d be too exhausted.
Next, let us discuss the period.
I’m all about the grammar life so like, use them at the end of a proper sentence. Don’t be sending random periods! It messes with both standard English and people’s emotions. If you’re sending a bitchy period that tells me that you, in fact have your period. Or if you’re a guy, a mangina and that’s what’s happening here. If you send multiple periods then you’re also very wrong. You look impatient, like your life is just depending on that person to answer. Pathetic-ness will be sent right along with that text. So, it’s for your best interest to stay away from those dots.
Last but not least is the oh so popular “lol”.
While “lol” is an easy go-to response for just about anything and everything, it is about 77% of the time a lie. Are you really “laughing out loud” when you send that text? When you’re in the bathroom or on line at the grocery store or at work on lunch with your co-workers around are you really laughing out loud for all to hear?
My other issue with the “lol” is that it has become such an easy response that we tend to use it even when things aren’t funny. This also leads to mixed messages! You’re either giving someone far too much credit by making them think they are funny when they are not… OR you’re just hyping up someone who’s already cocky and knows they are funny. So unless you are laying on the floor laughing out loud —try to refrain. And if you are well then hell, we should bring back ROTFLOL.
So betches, all I ask of you is to PLEASE stop and think about what you’re texting. Whether you see it or not you could be ruining relationships, your own life, etc. Keep calm and keep loving Ashley Byrd XO Kelly No
If Everyone is Doing IT – WHY are we Not OVER IT, yet?
Personally speaking (as if I ever speak non-personally) – I don’t like things that “the masses” like. Except pizza.
I’ve never had a Pandora bracelet, never owned an MK watch (OK, there was that one I received as a gift from an ex and returned – SORRY, Bradley!). I never fell into the Alex and Ani trend (though I do have 1 – gifted, obv and I suppose it’s sorta meaningful at least) and I NEVER wear it. I keep it out for show – in my messy room…
I’m not talking fashion trends – DUH! I obviously participate in those if I like them. I’m talking worldwide, phenomena trends where shit is soooooo accessible that water is a more difficult commodity to attain.
What I’m talking about is a perfectly prepared @Instagram photo.
Why are we not over the fact that people literally put things in specific, unnatural positions to take pictures of them?!?! Just to get “likes” <3 on them? I’m not talking a detail shot – that’s totes normal. I’m not talking an amazingly beautiful backdrop. I’m talking like setting up a pair of shoes, next to a glass of champagne and a magazine, and your gorgeous new Cartier bracelet. That is fucking weird… because although you can argue that all of those things “go together,”THEY JUST DON’T… and furthermore, why are you positioning all of them together to photograph them to share on your Instagram? Are you a magazine? No, you’re a regular person. And I’m over you. Bye.
I’m just very over this. It’s verrrrrrrry fashion blogger. I guess I follow too many of them, that’s why I’m over it. But like – get a grip. It’s not real. It’s all fake life. I’m done with this rant. <3
*All photos from a random Twitter handle that I forgot (from very long ago, may not even exist anymore!) sorry for non-creds!
“It’s a shame that at some point people developed the belief that apologies make you look weak.” – LD
Sometimes Facebook inspires me. I know, right?!Who AM I? But this quote really struck me and as soon as I read it my mind started moving – a million miles a minute.
Apologizing is really difficult. There are times where I should have apologized or excused myself but I failed to do so because I felt like I looked dumb. I’m afraid this happens to a lot of us and we’re too afraid to admit it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am by no means“team sorry” at all. Too many “I’m sorry’s” turns it into a meaningless statement that nobody appreciates or believes.
When people say “I’m sorry” as a form of endearment (vomit), I literally would prefer to rip their heads off their skulls than ever listen to their voice again… Example: Me: (complaining voice) “I don’t know what to do on Saturdaaaaaaay.” Rando: “I’m sorry.” Me:face of disgust (I’m not going to give you the feeling of accomplishment by saying “you don’t need to be sorry – nothing you did” because OBVIOUSLY! Like duh it’s not your fault. Why don’t you have a conversation instead of that closed ended response of I’m sorry. Ugh don’t speak to me ever I’m walking away now – bye.
Thanks for nothing, bro.
Apologizing has gotten the stigma of making people look weak. Especially in the workplace.
In families and intimate relationships, I’m sorry is a statement that gets overused and abused. Or worse, not used at all.
You expect your parents to do so much for you and they have done a lot for you since your birth YET you get frustrated and annoyed with them and forget to say please and thank you. Or apologize for when you forget. Even friends or boyfriends & girlfriends take the brunt of the over-apology, the non-apology, the fake-apology or the no-apology-at-all.
At work or with superiors is where I feel the apology has taken a back seat. As an employee, you don’t want to feel like a major IDIOT so you don’t apologize. You don’t want to let your boss think that you are making excuses. Which maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. However – it’s all in the presentation.
Boss: “You missed this entire report it should have been sent out yesterday. Now it won’t be there in time and we’re going to be in deep shit!”
Wrong response #1: Oops, Sorry! Wrong response #2: (Do nothing & slowly scurry back to your desk). Wrong response #3: Well, ya see – the reason why I didn’t do that is because I was waiting for Johnny to give me the correct answer and he didn’t respond to any of my emails.
Correct response: I apologize for not being thorough and completing this. I’ll work on it immediately and get it out by courier today so to will arrive immediately. Anything else that you’d suggest?
Bottom line is – be aware of your words and take initiative to face your mistakes and overcome them by apologizing for what was wrong in the situation.
Go back to your roots! By that I mean, Pre-School! I also need to get back to my roots meaning my roots specialist aka hair girl, because they’re in desperate need of some TLC.
In the meantime, Say you’re Sorry’s, Thank You’s and Your Welcome’s! Please do not believe that an apology makes you weak – WORK it, MAKE it, DO it, makes us Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger. -Kanye <3
I’ve literally told people to “Get Over It” from the moment I could speak. I need to “Get Over It” myself at times. The phases of a breakdown are very extreme. Everything is fine one moment and then the next it seems like the world is actually ending. No, actually. But here’s how you “Get Over It.”
This is what goes on…
Freak the F Out
This step is so black and white. You need to get over your initial shock and anger and fear and upset feelings. You literally throw a temper tantrum and get it all out of your system. Sometimes you need to go for a run, CRY, drink a lot of wine, CRY, pout, frown, sing a song, CRY a little more. Whatever it is that you do – it needs to be done.
Now it’s time to take a shower, light a candle, take off your makeup, put your feet up. You’ve actually got to calm yourself down and begin removing the stress from your life through meditative practice.
Dress in all black so that your outfit matches your current state of “dark soul.” Maybe dark grey – maybe. Play it safe and stick with black. You did just have a very traumatic day, after all.
Find yourself, quickly!
Do something to make yourself feel a LOT better. I know it may be your “fault” or you possibly could have done the wrong thing somewhere along the line. Regardless of the situation, I think you should do something positive for yourself to realign the stars of happiness and positivity. This is probably where my shopping problem comes into serious effect. Have a bad day? Go shopping. Have a great day? Go shopping. Have an average day? Go shopping. Have a major freak out session and have no clue what to do, and you’ve been crying for like 3 hours? Get a green tea, go online shopping.
Get a plan together and begin to accept.
No matter what, whatever happened has already happened. It’s time to accept what happened and analyze why it happened. This is where you really learn from your mistakes or rather, your experiences. I don’t tend to think of the bad things that happen as mistakes. Everything happens for reasons in your life – sometimes they suck. But I believe it’s difficult to look back at the sucky situations and say that you have not learned something. I bet you have – even if it was to “never do that again.”
But I had to break this information up into 3 blog posts. Because I’m not about giving you all of the information easily. And for dramatic effect (see Part 2).
But this is how you’re going to make people GLAD to do what you want. They’re going to be begging you to do exactly what you want them to do.
Start off with compliments! Praise the person and appreciate what they’re doing for you. “You’re very beautiful, I really like the way that you do your eye makeup.” “Next time you’re doing it though, can you make sure to clean up the powder that’s left behind all over the sink?” It’s much easier to hear unpleasant things after you hear something positive about yourself.
Indirectly criticize. Don’t say a word to the idiot that isn’t doing his job at work. Do it for him… step right in and let him look on as you complete the task. Once he catches on that you’re there, acting on something – you let him finish. He will feel it – he’ll know what he did was wrong. He’ll respect you for not talking to him like an inferior, but allowing him to not do what he should have been doing. Reward people for their idiocy. Let them get away with it – but also let them KNOW they were an idiot. Change your “BUT’s” to “AND’s.” Failure is washed away. Get rid of the but – it changes the tone.
Talk about yourself (easy), but talk about your mistakes FIRST. It’s easy to criticize somebody – but also, think about WTF they know or don’t know. If you’re an expert (or you consider yourself one), other people don’t know as much shit as you do. OBVIOUSLY. So take it easy – and instead of making someone feel dumb with “WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT, IT’S ALL WRONG!” have some compassion. “OMG, I DID SOMETHING SO SIMILAR WHEN I FIRST STARTED DOING THAT. ONCE I MESSED UP THIS ENTIRE THING… TRY THIS, IT’S HELPFUL!”
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.“Have you ever thought of…?” or “Do you think this would work…” Nobody likes to be barked at. Or be given orders. You definitely get what you want much easier if you give some options. You give opportunity to people to do things for themselves and it boosts self-esteem. It also removes the feeling of resentment.
If somebody sucks at something, let them do something that they’re actually good at. Don’t highlight the shitty job a person is doing. Take a minute and think of something that they do really well – sometimes it is not AT ALL whatever you want them to do. However, something completely different – sometimes better! Have that person do that – it will be better for them and embarrass them way less. This is “feel good shit” people!
“Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.” Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” Praise is what makes people better – positive reinforcement – not negative. Keep going!! Praise can truly change a person’s life. With a little bit of encouragement, a person can really go places. As for getting what you want, successful people make successful surroundings. You can really move mountains with a positive message in the life of a friend, colleague or subordinate. They’ll remember the feeling you left them with. Always. People are thirsty, quench their thirst.
Reputation – it’s all about a person’s reputation. Once you give somebody a really great reputation to live up to – they’re going to. You create a situation where you force a person to compare their own life back to themselves. Sometimes this is difficult to face, but ultimately, it’s rewarding. Great leading tactic, really. Let somebody live up to their previous self – it’s easy to give a bit of suggesting advice this way.
Encourage and make the shitty shit they did seem super easy to correct. It gives people the desire to improve. Please help them, do it for the greater good of the world.
Make the person happy to do exactly what you want them to do. Give them some reward or recognition. Don’t let them down but suggest cool things about it! Don’t give them the opportunity to not be excited about it. Your request should really make the other person have the idea that they will personally benefit. Consider what they will gain, and let them gain it.
“My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.” – Dale Carnegie
Based on: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Avoid all arguments with people.Always. I’m confrontational – but ONLY when I need to be. Otherwise, I’d rather let you go on and on about whatever you want to and never say a thing about it. Until I need to tell you to shut up. Because I likely don’t really care. Arguments are rarely necessary. Fighting is absolutely never necessary. Over it already, bye.
Respect the people you’re trying to get what you want from. Respect their opinions and what their goals are. Telling them that “they’re wrong” will get them to dislike your opinions and eventually dislike you. Don’t put yourself in a predicament where you have to backpedal. Disrespect never got ‘nobody ‘nowhere!
Admit your faults and your flaws. If you were wrong, admit that shit! Acknowledge that shit. Get overrrrrrr it. Get through it quickly by letting the other person know you were wrong and you would like to make right on that. It will make the other person feel better about themselves. And it will make you feel better about yourself in the future.
Be a friendly betch.“You catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar.” I for one, don’t know why anyone would willingly want to be catching flies…. EVER… BUT – I guess if catching flies is your fucking thing – use the honey. And be friendly, silly! 🙂
Make your conversations VERY POSITIVE. Get people saying “yes!” Like, get them happy. Get them motivated and make them happy about what they’re about to do (for you!). C’mon people – positive psychology is ALWAYS better than negative – even if you never payed attention in Psych 101 with Dr. Whomever in college – you’ve got to know that that guy B.F. Skinner talked about how positive reinforcement through conditioning is what rules! If that’s the only thing I learned in Psych than at least I learned something. Also Pavlov’s dogs. 😉 (End rant).
PEOPLE LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES! (For example – MY ENTIRE FUCKING BLOG!) I love talking about myself. And relating things to myself. Because I rule this world blog. lol When people speak, they usually like what they have to say say – they like to think that ideas are theirs. Get people thinking what you think and let them talk about it. Get them on your page and lead them to believe they got there themselves. They’ll think your fabulous idea is actually their fabulous idea. And who cares whose idea it really is? If you’re gaining something in the long run, let them think they thought of it. Sheer brilliance. Goals accomplished.
See where this person is coming from as well. Don’t disown their ideas because you know they didn’t think of them. Be interested in their your idea! Really FEEEEEL them – you make these people also feel like what they’re doing is the RIGHT THING. Like they’re helping you. They’re helping the cause. They’re helping themselves.
Like any betch in her right mind would do – MAKE THAT SHIT DRAMATIC!
People respond to dramatics. It gives them something to talk about in their mostly boring lives. Throw some shit in their faces. Let this person know that you mean business. And show them you mean business…make it good. Like really, really good. Why else waste time on something if it’s not gonna be good?! Drama makes life enjoyable and keeps people guessing. Don’t make it boring and obvious drama
Lastly, make it count. Challenge bitches! Give a person a challenge to do exactly what you want. Most people will accept challenges. Most people not only accept challenges, but go at them so hard that they perform much better than you were anticipating. People can really out-do themselves. Again and again. Betches love challenges. Don’t you? So do guys. Making people believe in themselves is a fun thing to do and in the end, all are winners.
All of this shit sounds a bit mundane but it’s common sense. These things will literally get people eating out of the palm of your hand. Not that you want people eating out of your hands but I’m really about little sayings like that. You’re well on your way to getting what you want!
Based on: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Catcalling. Don’t do this – and if you do, expect to receive VERY expressive, specific insults.
Fuck. You. Get away from me. I’m not interested in you. Shut your mouth immediately.
I once told an ex-boyfriend that I would pay for surgery to have his ribs removed so that he could suck his own dick because I’d never go anywhere near him again. (Unrelated, but I thought it would be a good point to add that in).
If you haven’t already, please meet reality TV personality & model Stassi Schroeder… the violent metaphors <3
The link is my absolute favorite compilation of “Stassi” moments.
…how many people do I know that have told me that I remind them of her? Resting bitch face is on point.
Being nicer is definitely in my near future. Great quote someone sent me recently –
“I try to be nice to everyone because what if they have a hot brother?”
But like…. Don’t whistle at me.Don’t beep your car horn at me while I’m running. Like what was your goal with that? Did you think your beep and yell out the window while at a traffic light would make me sprint on over to your car and flirt with you and get in your car and go home with you and we live happily ever after?! No?!Me NEITHER. That kills my vibe so don’t do it.
Catcalling is like so… 18th century. I almost want to take that statement back because I would 100% rather have a guy approach me face to face (a la 18th century) rather than message me on any form of social media. But an approach/inquiry/courtship is far different than a catcall.
I hate that it’s named after a cat. I don’t like cats. At all.
Don’t call me crazy because I’m not submissive. I know I’m not crazy. I’m honest. I’m caring, usually. I’m truthful. And I’m very passionate about things that I love. And people that I love. And if you want to tell me that those qualities make me “crazy” then I don’t want to be anywhere near you ever in the near or distant future. BYEEEEEEEEEEE!
Okay so to me this is black and white–no fifty shade of gray for me with this topic. I warn you that I am going to sound incredibly old fashioned with this and I am sure a lot of people are going to disagree with me, but that is what The Black & White is all about- sparking discussion.
First Date Protocol:
He should pay. Short. Simple. I think that the first date can tell you a lot about a person. I know you can’t learn everything from a first encounter, but you can learn enough. If he asked you out, then he needs to follow through. But ladies I also know it is also polite to “offer”, but if your “offer” turns into your treat, then ‘Houston we have a problem’. Ditch him. It will only be trouble from here.
What about After The First Date?
When should a man stop paying for you? Never. Just because he has wooed you doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be romantic any longer. Just because he has known you for a year, two, maybe eight doesn’t mean he shouldn’t treat you with the same admiration, love, respect etc. So, why should he stop taking you out to dinner? The answer is he shouldn’t. It’s not as if he can wipe his hands clean and say, “okay I’ve wined her and dined her every Friday night for three months so now I don’t have to anymore”. Let me ask you this Mr. Hypothetical Guy, what happens when Ms. Hypothetical Girl dumps your butt? Oh, yeah, you have to go through the whole dating, buying dinner, buying drinks thing you were doing all over again, except for someone new. See how this is a never ending cycle? In a recent study, “Research [has] shown…that 84 percent of men and 58 percent of women say men pay for most entertainment expenses — even after they have been dating for some time” (Men Still Paying For Dates…And Women Are Partly Responsible). Meaning, that if you’re still paying for your long term girlfriend you’re in the majority bro.
So where is the issue?
According to the same study although 84% of men say they pay for most of the expenses, two-thirds of men think women should contribute. Contribute being the key word–not pay ladies. Con-tri-bute. Maybe women can pay for the tip, or buy the dessert if you go someplace after dinner. Maybe women can buy men something nice and thoughtful every now and then…nothing extravagant just something that says, “I’m thinking of you”…like a growler, his favorite candy, or a couple of nice Polos. But this is a suggestion for someone who is in a committed relationship…don’t start doing this all the time for someone you hardly know when it is too early in the relationship because then it becomes expected behavior, which mean this is now something this person expects you to do, rather than appreciates you for doing it.
Why are you buying a boat together?
(The boat is symbolic for anything really). Now, I know a lot of couples who are unmarried, but split everything down the middle. If they go on vacation: they split it, if they buy a boat: they split it, if they buy a puppy: they split it, and if they rent an apartment they each pay half of the rent. Everything is right down the middle, so it’s fair right? Well, what happens if you are the two to split up. Now you have invested all this time and money into something that you only own a part of. And, what happens if he makes more than you? Should you still pay half when half leaves you unable to save money for yourself? This is when I start to hear my mother’s voice in my head and my old-fashion Italian values start to come to the surface. I was taught, as I am sure many other women were, that a man should know you can take care of yourself, but wants to take care of you anyway. I think that it takes a very special guy to be this for a woman, and I don’t think there are a lot of men out there like this.
If he wants a boat, great! You shouldn’t be paying for it. Hey, maybe you want to contribute pay for the gas, or buy the life jackets, or help clean it up. Then, that’s great. But you don’t have to pay for half of that boat. I think people should tread lightly when buying an expensive item together if you aren’t in a steady relationship, or engaged. How would you feel if your ex got your puppy when you split and then his dog became his next girlfriend’s dog? Not good. I’ve seen this happen. Now on to the apartment, don’t pay half–contribute. Buy groceries, pay for cable, netflix, hulu plus, a land line however you want to contribute, but you don’t have to pay half. I know this is a shocker because so many people do split rent on apartments and you know what that’s fine for some people, but just know it’s also not your only option.
When it comes to finances be upfront.
I am a very straight forward person. And to avoid as much confrontation as possible I speak my mind. If I love something, like something, hate something I say it. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t but I have always needed to express myself. He knows that when we go out to dinner he is paying. But I too keep this in mind, I have never ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. I usually order a meal that costs less or equal to his and I try to choose a restaurant in his price range. We also take turns choosing restaurants so everyone always gets to eat what they want or crave. We don’t go out too often, probably to a nice dinner once a week, so that the bills don’t pile up.
I leave you with this thought–just something to think about…
It has never been proven, at least I don’t think it has, but it seems to me that the way that first date goes is how the relationship will progress. If he pays then he will most likely be the sole provider, while if you pay then you may continue to be the sole provider. So the question is, do you want to be the provider?
I am not the type of person who likes to wait or expects people to give me things. I do what I want when I want and I hate waiting – no patience.
I would rather not wait around at a bar and flirt with a man and convince him to buy a drink for me. I would rather not give him the expectation that the $12.00 drink I just made him buy for me is going to allow him an “in” with me. No thanks. I’ll buy my own $12.00 Ketel & Club with limes and take it from here.
Do I think that buying me dinner is something that you should do if you’re taking me out on a first date? Definitely. Do I expect it? I guess… Will I freak out if it doesn’t happen? Nope. I don’t freak out about something like this because I don’t even give a shit. I would never go out to a dinner if I couldn’t afford it. (Neither should you). I would never request to go somewhere, not expect to pay for it. I would also never ask somebody of the opposite sex that I was interested in to go out to dinner with me if I didn’t expect to pay for them…
I’ve been in situations where I’ve felt guilty asking a guy to take me out to dinner to where I want to specifically go. If you don’t want to pay for something that’s out of your range – don’t ask me where I want to go to eat because I’m probably going to tell you something that you’re not going to like or that is potentially out of your price range. Rude? I just don’t think so. I also don’t expect you to pay. I’ll split dinner with you every time I go out because I’m like that. Literally, do not care. I’ll also order whatever I want not basing my selection on price or quantity because I want what I want and I don’t care who’s watching. I’m not embarrassed in front of a waiter or a maitre’d because I’ve been one and I am one. People who serve you, don’t judge who’s paying – they don’t care either. They will judge your tip – so if you’re out with me and you don’t over tip – I’ll feel extremely embarrassed. Then I’ll go out of my way to over tip and make you feel extremely embarrassed because you suck. Don’t even try it. I’ll never speak to you again. It’s over. Rule: If you don’t know – ask.
So like, I don’t care if you’re going to pay for my dinner every time. Especially after being in a relationship with somebody. With all my relationships (friendships & romantic), all money always comes out in the wash. I buy something for you, you buy something for me. Dinners? Lunches? Coffee? Juices? Whatever I see at the store and want to buy for you because it reminds me of you? Whatever. I’m not really counting and if I am, it’s because you suck. I practice this throughout all of my relationships – if I owe you money because you bought me a drink at a bar – I’ll buy your next one. DUH – come on. If you’re sweating spending $ on me for dinner – I don’t want to be your friend, at all — especially not your girlfriend. If you don’t sweat it, I won’t either. If you want to pay for my dinner every single time – go right ahead. I’ll recoup by buying you something really awesome every once in awhile. And bring your mother flowers.