fresh idea

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…regardless of your relationship status.

Friday afternoon I strolled by (briskly walked, because it was freezing) this freshly painted street art in NYC. Still wet when I found it, the artist’s paintbrushes were dripping with black ink onto the pavement. Obviously I had to stop to snap a quick iPhone picture for my blog – what a great message to send. Especially on Valentine’s Day weekend. Just a reminder, you are loved. Don’t let yourself forget. ❤

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How To Break Your Own Heart

So I’ve done quite a bit of “how-to’s” on this blog, but this one is quite a bit – well… Different.

I received a message from one of my BFFs about a month ago telling me some big “news.” And NO, that it wasn’t her engagement, that in fact it was the total effing opposite. She was leaving. Picking up her fabulous life and turning it completely upside down. Ending the relationship, leaving her job and leaving her city. I was shocked, yet I knew she knew exactly what she was doing.  She’s one of the most intelligent and self-aware people I’ve met in this world. And so strong. Strength I’ve rarely seen before especially in my peers, especially in 20 & 30 something’s.

After thinking about this over and over again, I realized she was doing what many of us find so intimidating and nearly impossible to do. Being afraid of getting our heart broken and even breaking another person’s heart is both frightening and intimidating. Love is such a strong emotion that ending or breaking is not an easy part of it – no matter how well you plan for it. But here she is, a beautiful, awesome, powerful and intelligent girl who loves harder than most I know – doing it to herself.

Breaking her own heart. For the better of her relationship and their lives going forward. Doing it FOR herself. By her own will and merit.

Are you in a relationship or workplace or friendship or anything that you need to step away from?

Find something. Deep within yourself. Find the strength to pick up and release yourself. It doesn’t need to be dramatic. No need for the applause or the social media presence. It doesn’t mean you need to cut all ties or end something in a hurtful way. You can just move on by yourself. Find the way. (Find your true north! #Wanderlust).

Maybe it’s the complete opposite for you – maybe it’s getting back into something. For example: You love doing ActivityX but your current life doesn’t allow for time to do ActivityX. You’ve got to make the time for ActivityX. You be X. Nobody else will do X for you. Nobody else will do shit for you for that matter. It’s you and you. Control is what we’re after here. Set some goals. Create a timeline and move it. Control your own aspirations, your own goals and your own feelings. Take control of yourself and your future, even if you have to break your own heart while doing so.

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Forewarning Does NOT Make it OKAY!

Apologizing for how you are and thinking it’s okay just because you gave a forewarning is THE WORST quality to have while in a relationship. Like — you’re not exempt from general relationship rules because you suck at life. And you know it. Just because you announced it ahead of time does not make it acceptable.

“Announcing that you’re going to behave badly, doesn’t make it okay to behave badly. – Lena Dunham”

It’s NOT okay at all. A frequent conversation goes a little something like this…

Female: I don’t understand why you’re acting strange /don’t want to be with me. I can’t do this anymore.

Male: I told you from the beginning I didn’t want a “serious relationship.”

Female: Yeah, I didn’t want a serious relationship either at first… But then we became so much closer and we’ve been “together” for months. Doesn’t it seem like we should be in a secure relationship instead of guessing all the time?

Male: I told you I was going to hurt you if you got close to me. I don’t know what else to tell you. Sigh.

UMMMMM…. WHAT?

Thanks for the forewarning, psycho. Who do you think you are… a……..dundundun…. GIRL?! No. You’re not. So decide what you want. Or at least, if you don’t want to be with the girl – tell her straight up. Give her a reason. Better yet, think of 3 solid reasons why! I use 3 because I’ve always been told 3 examples is a solid rule of thumb to prove a point – basic elementary school, right?…. uhhh?

GUYS – Think about the real reasons why you don’t want to be with this female and tell her. It’s probably going to hurt her feelings (a little bit) and it may even make you feel like shit (for a little bit) – but I think it’s much better form than saying some bogus, bullshit excuse like, “I told you before that I’m not good at relationships.”

Better Example:

Female: I don’t understand why you don’t want to be with me…?

Male: I told you I wasn’t sure how I would be in a relationship and honestly I’m still not ready for that with you. I’m not where I want to be in my career. I’m looking for work in a different city which may cause me to move, so I don’t feel comfortable getting into a deeper relationship with you at this time in my life. I hope you understand and I don’t want to continue to string you along. I also don’t like your cats.

Female: K, thanks for letting me know. F you though, my cats rule. Bye!

End. Done. Clean break.

P.S. I’m not a cat lady but I thought the cats would be funny to incorporate. I think I was wrong.

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photo credit: @crimebydesign

 

Online Dating

Online dating is something that I’ve had serious trouble committing to. Maybe that statement right there is what my problem is all along… commitment? Nah. Def nah. 

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I’m sure many of you can relate. With websites and apps like Tinder, Hinge, CoffeeMeetsBagel, Match, Grindr, and Bumble (fave) – it seems near impossible to avoid conversation of online/app dating. Before iPhone apps, I used think online dating was for “older people.” So I’m definitely thinking….Like am I old enough to do this? Am I now an “older person”? Nope. No more – there are basically preteens on these apps – have to be careful with age limits – weird.

Next question – Should I pay for this?! Am I seriously not good/cool enough in real life to find a person who I can connect with? How can I really get to know somebody from behind their cell phone and a few quick pictures to swipe left or right through? Ugh.

Do people actually find real relationships on these platforms? And if they do, is it legit? Do I want to date somebody who would also be on a dating website? Am I desperate? What if they are desperate? They’ve got to be, right? Otherwise they must only be looking for sex, right?

It’s rare to find somebody who’s legit on Tinder… But then again, doesn’t every single person in the city basically have Tinder? Or some form of it? Even some of my friends in relationships have joined dating websites just to see what all the hype was about. Some other friends of mine are SO against dating apps because they’re not into it at all / it’s sketchy / they’re nervous.

But like, am I ready for this? Like for real ready, not just for fake ready like I’ve always been. Do I really want to meet somebody? Do I really have to date somebody older than me so that they’re mature enough for me?

What am I supposed to do about the guy that I ❤ that won’t commit? The one who’s my “best friend.” But we both know we can’t be together. But we both can’t get away from each other because there’s some sort of something. At what point is that not enough? At what point do I need to start the actual living search? Everyone’s opinion is way different obviously. Will I ever be ready?

And even when you think you’ve found “the one,” it could all come crashing down any day. I think meeting people is fun…. but only if I like the person. And then there’s the chance of meeting people who I don’t like. Dating escape stories to be written in another blog…

Also, if you haven’t already- check out Bumble – exceptionally good looking people. I wouldn’t lie.

The Cool Girl

You’re so easy going. You’re so fucking cool. You let things go because you’re not phased by the small shit. You have your shit together. You have a job that you “like” for the most part, and at least you’re making money. You surround yourself with people you love. You support yourself. You support and love the people around you. You get it. You’re inspirational. You’re willing to learn and grow. You’re single. You’re ready to be in an amazing relationship with a really awesome person except you’re unsure of yourself. You have nothing holding you back. Except yourself. Because you in fact, are: the cool girl.

The cool girl does really well in the beginning of a relationship. She does superb. She’s accepted so easily. She’s easily obsessed over because she established herself as the most amazing thing on this earth. She makes others feel at ease in her presence. She can hang in any situation with mostly any group of people. She treats others well, she can laugh at herself and she loves to laugh. She’s outgoing but not outlandish or outspoken. She listens when others speak. She says what she has to say. Says what she means but doesn’t say it mean. She’s rarely a bitch. She’s rarely “pissed off.” She’s genuine, you’d never really call her super nice, but she’s not mean at all. She’s cool.

This girl, my friends gets taken advantage of by men the most.

Girls who don’t give a fuck about men, get chased. Girls who care too much about men, get left behind. Girls who are cool, get mind fucked. On the regular. And suffer complete and utter relationship travesty.

The cool girl is at peace with the bro’s. She’s one with them. She gets it when the guys are having guy time. She lets them hang. She does her own thing. She hangs. She handles situations well. She’s not afraid to challenge a man. Or anyone. She does not fear telling other people how it is. She does not back down. She lets her guard down often enough. She eventually allows people into her life. She welcomes change. She loves her surroundings, and when she doesn’t – she changes. She’s the type of girl who hates the faux pax of doing girl things, but loves to do them anyway.

Cool girl gets played. She needs to stop. Stop trying to be the cool girl. It comes back and bites her. Cool girl gets judged, HARD. As soon as the cool girl reacts to something that her S.O. does in a negative way, she suddenly becomes the psycho girl. I’m talking a real reaction. It could be negative, could be positive, could be a little flustered, could be a normal as anything reaction. But since cool girl doesn’t make a big deal out of things, once she does – she’s immediately deemed psycho girl. Or she’s judged – like OMG why is she getting so worked up over this, it’s sooooo not a big deal.

Um, actually yes it is a big deal! “Cool guy” just isn’t used to cool girl reacting to things because she’s so fucking cool that she doesn’t need to react. So then, once she does react, “cool guy” feels entitled to judge cool girl on her less-than-regular reaction. And cool girl melts, because people she cares about are making her feel like she’s not the cool girl. When in reality she is still Miss Cool Girl. She needs to still be the cool girl, keep the cool girl confidence and let it go. When people can’t handle the cool girl, she must let them go. Only some people can handle her. Until then, cool girl should pour herself a glass of champagne and continue being cool, just not as cool to the uncool guy.

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MALE THOUGHTS…

Relationships involving young people, specifically the behaviors and misbehaviors of people while in relationships fascinates me. I’m always digging for information from couples. Constantly asking questions and wondering why people behave the way they do. First impressions are major, what do you think?!

First impressions that I get from guys will totally deem if I will want to speak to them, be a friend, be a more-than-friend. Do guys think the same way? This thought made me quickly jump to find out the workings of a male brain that just may be very similar to my own…

5 Things Men Want to Know about Women from the Second they See/Meet Her…

(Like what goes through their brains…) Why do they ask you the most awkward questions? How does the male brain work and in what order of importance are questions? What do they want to know? How does it matter?

Originally I thought that this immediately removes the appearance category because you already saw her and you’re already attracted… like you’re going in for your 1st move… what are the moves.. what is the order of the thought process? I’m thinking something like 1. Who is this girl? 2. What is her name? 3. Are there males around you? 4. Are you single? 5. Who are you here with?

I’m wrong. Here’s how it goes… FROM MALE PERSPECTIVE. 

1. What do you look like naked/what the sex is like?

“The attraction is so physical at this stage that most of these things will be shading towards the shallow, selfish level.”

2. Is this bitch crazy? Am I getting into something that I’m immediately going to regret?

3. What’s her status? Is she single, dating, serious relationship, engaged, or married?

4. Can this broad (side note: ew) carry on a cogent conversation or am I taking to nothing more than a pair of tits and an ass?

This is especially important and the quality/content the conversation says a lot. Name, where you’re from, what you do is important, but there better be more than that. Keep it fun and interesting. Don’t be timid and shy. Break my balls about something. A good ball-breaker is a catch…unless she falls in the latter on many of these things.

5. What does she do for a living?

I think this is probably a bigger one than most people think. If I’m talking to someone whose daddy gives her everything, code red alert and evacuate quickly unless you’re just looking for a lay. I’m not trying to be their next daddy.

This probably ties into the “is this bitch crazy” thought, but I also think men want to know what their history is. Not sexual, but relationships and the like. Probably not something you ask right away, but the thought crosses your mind. If it’s just a “how quick can I get her in bed” thing, probably the first and second thing I mentioned hold precedent.

So, there you have it ladies – this is what he thinks when he first lays eyes on you. Such a treat, really.

Friend Zoned

Hey FZ guy! This is you, Mr. Friend Zone. Mr. I have girls that are friends, but never girlfriends. Mr. Play-It-Safe. Mr. Nobody Will Date Me. Mr. Niceguy. Mr. We’re Just Friends.

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What the F are you doing wrong?! Why are you in friend zone?

What you don’t know is that you’re already doing so much right… because friend zoned guys always get noticed, eventually…

Your ultimate roadblock is timing. Because right now, you’re NOT IT. One day though. You’ll be thankful in the long run and end up with a girl who is way more worth it than every girl who ever FZ’d you.

Many of you know what friend zone entails. The sometimes sad truth of friend zone is that this guy is super nice – generally pretty awesome and def somebody you enjoy being around for extended periods of time. Sounds great, right?

Wrong. The kicker is that this guy is not somebody that you’re even remotely interested in. Beginning a relationship with this dude romantically is NOT in the cards. Not yet, at least.

There is something about you, guy – that just does.  not.  do.  it.  for.  me.

One or More Characteristics Leads You to this Position:

Unattractiveness

Bad teeth, bad breath, overweight, underweight, poor attitude, weird smell, too short, bad hair. Sorryyy but these are all real time reasons as to why I wouldn’t like you that much. This sounds bad but I cannot lie.

Napoleon Complex 
Your personality is TREMENDOUS (and rather annoying) to make up for your less than average stature. AKA you have a little penis. Now I’m not saying I have never or will never, but I’m just saying… it’s a thing.

While in reality this could be 1 small factor, I’ll still hang on to it so so much and never let it go. Like I won’t even consider the 25+ good qualities you have if something is sticking out at me too far (or not far enough!).

Lack of Ambition

Come on, dude. Yeah – it’s great that your parents pay for everything for you. It’s NOT great that you live at home, you completely rely on your parents and you have no plans to begin your own life.

Age & Maturity or Immaturity Level 

I’ve heard you say you do not care, but FZ bro, it’s time to face the facts. You do care.  You care a lot actually and you go out of your way to tell people you don’t care. If you truly did not care, there would be no need to bring it up or put it on blast. So stop saying it – because you care. You’re practically obsessed. Obsessed with the fact that you are Friend Zoned.

Or everything is a joke. Like you need to be a little bit serious a little bit of the time. Another major friend zone reason. Man up, boy!

You can’t figure it out – I can’t even figure it out. I’m here to tell you to stop trying to figure it out.

Height , weight, race, socioeconomic background. These are all superficial but I  think they’re all honest reasons that women definitely think but don’t really speak of. And women definitely do not tell these reasons to the FZ guy to save hurting his feelings.

“I could never date a _________ guy.” or “I could never date a guy with ____________.” People have hard limits that they set for themselves. Everyone’s are different. “He’s too _________,” “He’s not enough ___________.” “I only date ___________ guys.”

FZ guys – I wish you the best of luck. I’m not sure how to make it happen but let me know when you figure it out.

My advice to you – quit the girl you’re trying for. Try for a new girl. You’re likely to get a reaction from both. 

 

 

WANTED!

“You’re a shopper. You shop. You’re good at that. You’re meant for that. This applies both to shoes & men…don’t give up and buy shitty shit because you need it temporarily. Wait for the quality. Shop around. Pick things up and put them back. Return if necessary. Keep shopping. You’ll fall in love eventually.” 

Quote from a best friend.

Admirable qualities for the man I want to find…

Applications available upon request. (Jobless, heartless, untrustworthy, liars need not apply).

Qualifications are rather simple complex, sorry.

…dreams of a decent man.

Must enjoy trying new things and having new experiences. This is broad but get OVER it and get under it. Be open and don’t close yourself out to things that you aren’t comfortable with.

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Must understand my need/bug to travel – anywhere and anytime. And understand that I’ll spend whatever amount of $ I deem necessary to do so. And that he should as well, obvi.

Constantly growing and learning and being awesome. Never settling.

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Food lover ❤ – likes to try new places and going out to restaurants frequently. Also must be a healthy eater and put up with my strange/specific food diets.

Can hang and drink but does not need to go out every single night. By that I mean 4 + nights per week.

Active. Likes to exercise. Do outdoorsy things. So like, don’t be too lazy.

Likes to shop a little. Dresses well without trying too hard. And buys me nice shit (although unnecessary because I buy myself nice shit).

Likes sports.

Has good friends. Likes to include me in things with their friends. AND willing to do fun things with my friends. And actually likes my friends. A lot.

And makes me happy.

“Spend all your time and your money, just to find out that my love was free…”

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Likes to do nothing sometimes.

Is competitive in a good way.

Can deal with my ridiculous family. Enjoys his family.

Has a job he enjoys and isn’t miserable at. Makes a fab salary with growth potential. Has goals and sights for the future. Includes me in them.

Thinks I’m pretty.

Will hang out with me even if its playoffs football season and I don’t want to watch. (I will – this is a trick question). 😉

Will fight with me but not argue to make me lose.

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Is honest and has no reason to lie about anything. Ever.

Will trust my opinions because they’re always right. Right?!

Knows how to make a cocktail.

And will occasionally allow me to dress him.

Also likes champagne.

Doesn’t lie. Did I already say that?

Smells exceptionally great.

Nice abs wouldn’t hurt. Or arms.

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Mutual level of respect.

CAN MAKE ME LAUGH. At any given moment. Even when I’m fuming and all I want to do is scream or run.

…Dreams of a decent man.

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Take a look at what Brad Pitt has to say on Angelina – mostly the ending part. I don’t know if I really like thisbut I kind of like it. I don’t necessarily believe that a man has the power to completely change a woman. Or that she is a total reflection of him – but when it’s of a positive image, positive things can happen. And I like that. The ending is what makes it amazing. 

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Until then, I won’t go chasin’ waterfalls –

I’ll be doin’ me, right over here. xo 

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This is an endless list. I don’t know why I’m posting it today. I wrote this 3 months ago. #latergram.

Why Men Cheat

I’ve literally been doing research on why men cheat from the moment I started dating my first boyfriend (so, Kindergarten).

Obviously, never wanting to be cheated on, but knowing that it does in fact happen – I made sure I was exceptionally cool. Really easy-going, and not annoying to boys (or anyone for that matter). Main goal is to basically not act like a girl at all. Be like “one of the guys” without actually being weird or gross. Not forcing the “center of attention” look on myself. Not letting the little things become a big thing.

I give all of my girl friends very similar advice – to remain calm, cool and let shit go! Except when I’ve found myself in positions when I can’t let shit go – this has blown up in my face. Discovering why men cheat has been rough, but it’s all a part of growing up. Females cheat too, but I don’t care about that so save your opinions for another betch.

I had the pleasure of speaking with a man who is a Grade A, top of the line, high quality and respectable dude – also, a CHEATER. No names needed and specific situations never needed, but they happened and he’s real. This is what we’ve come up with. Enjoy or don’t.

Some men are never truly happy in their lives.

To these guys, happiness is a temporary feeling. Fleeting. There’s always this search for more or what’s next. So they mask their unhappiness through a variety of methods – drinking, drugs, gambling, and yes, womanizing.

Men at times are genuinely unhappy in their relationships and with themselves, which leads them to cheat. Chasing that temporary high or that good feeling in the beginning of a hook-up. Men are babies. They’re insecure and act immature.

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a betches motto ❤

Insecurity.

Men want to be able to know “they’ve still got it” or they can still “pull a hot chick.” Congrat-u-fucking-lations? Good for you, bro. I guess? But when will it ever end? When will you feel secure enough with yourself that you don’t need to cheat on the one that you’re with just to prove to your friends or to yourself that you’ve still got it? If you do in fact, still have it – fucking keep it! People will know you still have it because you’ve kept the person that you’re with. And you’re cool because you’re confident, not cocky. You know when to fire punches and you also know when to roll with the punches. And if you choose to  leave the person that you’re with, do it with some class and dignity and don’t look back.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/an-dHgZ4uY4nhu4J/the_40_year_old_virgin_2005_confrontation_at_the_store_part_2/ 

Sex is a major factor – obviously.

Men cheat because their current girlfriend is boring. Or he can’t get over me. Leading a double life gets difficult after awhile so pick a team, dude!

Men don’t want to face the reality of their sexual incompetence and dealing with a new girl allows them to escape from their real life for a little while? (Disclaimer: Maybe for some, not Exhibit A…)

Cheating can be done in two forms: physical & emotional.

Ask any sane or better, insane betch what is worse? – The guaranteed response: emotional cheating. Cheating usually becomes emotional as soon as it happens more than once – sometimes not, but the physical isn’t what gets people so worked up about it.

Like – I don’t really care if you’re sleeping with another person. What I do care about is protecting myself (from whatever you may get or have from this other person). This is the scary part about cheaters. Like if you’re going to cheat or lie about what you’re doing with others, go right ahead and be a piece of shit liar. BUT you better fucking think about the literal danger that you may be putting somebody else in. STD. Immune system killers. I think about this all the time (maybe I’m paranoid) but I think everyone else is just dumb.

He doesn’t LOVE her anymore.

Bullshit. If you feel that strongly about not loving someone anymore, you should feel strongly enough to fucking tell them. This all comes down to the insecurity. Not feeling comfortable enough with yourself that you can’t break up with somebody is awful. Being with a person isn’t the end all – marriage is not always the end of the road. Love isn’t the end.

My question is whether or not cheaters evolve? Or will a guy be a cheater forever and ever, for the rest of his life so help him, God.