The Art of Text Messaging

How long does it take you to respond to a text sometimes? You stare and read, re-read, screenshot, ask for help… think some more.

 

 

 

FINALLY, press “Send.”

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And the idiot you sent it to STILL does not understand exactly what you meant. You failed at getting your point across correctly. Tone is not conveyed through a text. And that sucks. Especially for an overly expressive individual like myself.

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OK, so – if you’re planning on texting me in incomplete sentences that are not specific abbreviations or current/relevant words, YOU’RE OUT.

“Imma b @ da beach. How boutchu mamii?”

UMMMMMMMM… wait. Excuse me? How do you survive in society? Don’t ever send me a a text again. I don’t understand your 1990’s style of ghetto texting. Actually reminds me of that commercial with the dad saying shit like “mad cool” or “fresh” or something gross. You can only get away with that if you have swagger. Or if you’re very funny. Even then, it’s questionable. Highly unlikely.

This is the EXACT moment when you turn on your “Read Receipts” and “forget to answer” for a few days. He’ll know. Obvi – IGNORED. Obvi- get outta here. You know I’m not texting you back and you also now know why.

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This post originally started off as a guest blog, but I have so much to say so it changed to a collaborative post featuring:

a dear friend and fellow “Queen Betch of Awkward Moments” Kelly Nolan (@kellynonoo).

What Can Go So Horribly Wrong When Texting:

What this world is missing is a Webster’s Dictionary for text message responses that can lead to complete awk-ness and mixed signals.

Let me start with my least fav, the “k”.

As the world has evolved to what it is in 2014, so has the “k”. There is now capital k, “K” and lower case k, “k” and if you’re me, you will literally respond to people as “k, capital” or “k, lowercase”.

Here’s the deal: The capital K is more of a hateful response. Like, once you receive that you should feel like you just got shanked. The lowercase k is more of a lazy response – it’s like you want to reply, but the “O” is just a stretch above that “k” and then adding the “a-y”, no way – you’d be too exhausted.

Next, let us discuss the period.

I’m all about the grammar life so like, use them at the end of a proper sentence.  Don’t be sending random periods! It messes with both standard English and people’s emotions.  If you’re sending a bitchy period that tells me that you, in fact have your period. Or if you’re a guy, a mangina and that’s what’s happening here. If you send multiple periods then you’re also very wrong. You look impatient, like your life is just depending on that person to answer.  Pathetic-ness will be sent right along with that text. So, it’s for your best interest to stay away from those dots.

Last but not least is the oh so popular “lol”.

While “lol” is an easy go-to response for just about anything and everything, it is about 77% of the time a lie. Are you really “laughing out loud” when you send that text? When you’re in the bathroom or on line at the grocery store or at work on lunch with your co-workers around are you really laughing out loud for all to hear?

My other issue with the “lol” is that it has become such an easy response that we tend to use it even when things aren’t funny. This also leads to mixed messages! You’re either giving someone far too much credit by making them think they are funny when they are not… OR you’re just hyping up someone who’s already cocky and knows they are funny. So unless you are laying on the floor laughing out loud —try to refrain. And if you are well then hell, we should bring back ROTFLOL.

So betches, all I ask of you is to PLEASE stop and think about what you’re texting. Whether you see it or not you could be ruining relationships, your own life, etc. Keep calm and keep loving Ashley Byrd XO Kelly No
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As of Late

The recent months have been among the best and most healthy times in my emotional life. (UGH, this blog is going to be annoying – I can tell already). Getting to know myself – really, really well. By myself. Loving myself. Learning about myself. Narcissistic, much? 

Being single is grounds for gaining a significant amount of knowledge – about none other than, yourself.

Change is one of the scariest and challenging times in this beautiful life. Going for new things. I’m about that life. Change is a beautiful thing.

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This week I embarked upon a brand new journey. I started working in NYC. I left my job of eleven (yes, that’s right 11! years). I honestly have not really left – I can’t leave something that’s THAT good. I am however, changing careers. I want to do something different, explore new and exciting territory. I don’t like weddings and that’s what my career was specialized in. Why work in an industry that you don’t love? If you don’t even love love?! Definite time for a change. A change in love. A love for myself – which is developing stronger and stronger as I type (lolz).

Considering myself an extremely loyal person – I will never let anybody tell me differently. This quote kind of struck me funny – I really am starting to see my “disloyal” changes as self-loving. I’m kind of really into the things that I’m loving right now.

I’m no longer into being unloved, being surrounded by people who don’t need me, or by people who don’t care about me to the fullest. Venturing out into the deep blue sea because I would really rather do that. I’m a firm believer of throwing myself into situations that are not comfortable. Hell – I do that every day of my life. I’m trying to teach myself that it’s better to feel uncomfortable for 8 seconds than to feel uncomfortable for years on end. Small bits of uncomfortable situations are worth it. They’re great for human growth. Starting to leave what has left me. Ready for what the unknown has to offer.

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 I LOVE this image.

How To: Get What You Want – Part THREE

HOW TO: Get What You Want

Yes, there’s 3 parts. No, there shouldn’t be.

But I had to break this information up into 3 blog posts. Because I’m not about giving you all of the information easily. And for dramatic effect (see Part 2).

But this is how you’re going to make people GLAD to do what you want. They’re going to be begging you to do exactly what you want them to do.

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Start off with compliments! Praise the person and appreciate what they’re doing for you. “You’re very beautiful, I really like the way that you do your eye makeup.” “Next time you’re doing it though, can you make sure to clean up the powder that’s left behind all over the sink?” It’s much easier to hear unpleasant things after you hear something positive about yourself.

Indirectly criticize. Don’t say a word to the idiot that isn’t doing his job at work. Do it for him… step right in and let him look on as you complete the task. Once he catches on that you’re there, acting on something – you let him finish. He will feel it – he’ll know what he did was wrong. He’ll respect you for not talking to him like an inferior, but allowing him to not do what he should have been doing. Reward people for their idiocy. Let them get away with it – but also let them KNOW they were an idiot. Change your “BUT’s” to “AND’s.” Failure is washed away. Get rid of the but – it changes the tone.

Talk about yourself (easy), but talk about your mistakes FIRST. It’s easy to criticize somebody – but also, think about WTF they know or don’t know. If you’re an expert (or you consider yourself one), other people don’t know as much shit as you do. OBVIOUSLY. So take it easy – and instead of making someone feel dumb with “WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT, IT’S ALL WRONG!” have some compassion. “OMG, I DID SOMETHING SO SIMILAR WHEN I FIRST STARTED DOING THAT. ONCE I MESSED UP THIS ENTIRE THING… TRY THIS, IT’S HELPFUL!”

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. “Have you ever thought of…?” or “Do you think this would work…” Nobody likes to be barked at. Or be given orders. You definitely get what you want much easier if you give some options. You give opportunity to people to do things for themselves and it boosts self-esteem. It also removes the feeling of resentment.

If somebody sucks at something, let them do something that they’re actually good atDon’t highlight the shitty job a person is doing. Take a minute and think of something that they do really well – sometimes it is not AT ALL whatever you want them to do. However, something completely different – sometimes better! Have that person do that – it will be better for them and embarrass them way less. This is “feel good shit” people!

“Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.” Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” Praise is what makes people better – positive reinforcement – not negative. Keep going!! Praise can truly change a person’s life. With a little bit of encouragement, a person can really go places. As for getting what you want, successful people make successful surroundings. You can really move mountains with a positive message in the life of a friend, colleague or subordinate. They’ll remember the feeling you left them with. Always. People are thirsty, quench their thirst.

Reputation – it’s all about a person’s reputation. Once you give somebody a really great reputation to live up to – they’re going to. You create a situation where you force a person to compare their own life back to themselves. Sometimes this is difficult to face, but ultimately, it’s rewarding. Great leading tactic, really. Let somebody live up to their previous self – it’s easy to give a bit of suggesting advice this way.

Encourage and make the shitty shit they did seem super easy to correct. It gives people the desire to improve. Please help them, do it for the greater good of the world.

Make the person happy to do exactly what you want them to do. Give them some reward or recognition. Don’t let them down but suggest cool things about it! Don’t give them the opportunity to not be excited about it. Your request should really make the other person have the idea that they will personally benefit. Consider what they will gain, and let them gain it.

“My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.” – Dale Carnegie

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Based on: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Catcalling, Meow.

Catcalling. Don’t do this – and if you do, expect to receive VERY expressive, specific insults.

Fuck. You. Get away from me. I’m not interested in you. Shut your mouth immediately.

I once told an ex-boyfriend that I would pay for surgery to have his ribs removed so that he could suck his own dick because I’d never go anywhere near him again. (Unrelated, but I thought it would be a good point to add that in).

If you haven’t already, please meet reality TV personality & model Stassi Schroeder… the violent metaphors ❤

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Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 1 | Stassi’s Violent Metaphors.

The link is my absolute favorite compilation of “Stassi” moments.

…how many people do I know that have told me that I remind them of her? Resting bitch face is on point.

Being nicer is definitely in my near future. Great quote someone sent me recently –

“I try to be nice to everyone because what if they have a hot brother?”

But like…. Don’t whistle at me. Don’t beep your car horn at me while I’m running. Like what was your goal with that? Did you think your beep and yell out the window while at a traffic light would make me sprint on over to your car and flirt with you and get in your car and go home with you and we live happily ever after?! No?! Me NEITHER. That kills my vibe so don’t do it.

Catcalling is like so… 18th century. I almost want to take that statement back because I would 100% rather have a guy approach me face to face (a la 18th century) rather than message me on any form of social media. But an approach/inquiry/courtship is far different than a catcall.

I hate that it’s named after a cat. I don’t like cats. At all.

Silly Bitches, Dumb Is Never Cute!

So, you think it’s really cute to act really dumb? You like getting the attention because people think you’re an actual idiot? You think guys dig that? Your friends think it’s funny that your’e the dumb one of the group?!

I THINK YOU’RE SO BEYOND WRONG.

This is me taking a stand against the women who play the “dumb card.”

Like, OMGz, you’re the dumbest person like…ever? Wanna see how many times I can say “like?” Why do you think it’s funny to act dumb? And if you actually ARE dumb… you should not be putting yourself on blast and showing off how insanely stupid you are. Keep your mouth shut. Ignorance is bliss? UM, no. Ignorance is ignorance and it’s no excuse. If you want to be blissful, you don’t have to be ignorant. If this isn’t obvious to you, then you’re obviously exactly who I’m writing this about.

Getting the tag of “that dumb bitch over there” is not a cute look for you. No matter how pretty you are, you’ll still be known as an idiot. Which gives you no street cred – and you basically will never move forward in life.

To stop this cycle – stop being dumb! Stop talking just to say things and to be noticed. Don’t ask questions that you can easily look up the answer to by yourself – Google was invented for dumb people and is over-used by smart people. Bravo.. OBVIOUSLY. Start learning about something that you’re interested in and then only talk about that until you learn about something else to expand the breadth of your knowledge. Smart is going to look way better on you. I’m thinking this may really work out for you – until that happens, please shhhhhhhhhhh!

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Decoding The Lies!

Decoding the language of modern relationships.

Here ya go guys, I’m here to give you the “literal meanings” behind what people are saying to you. They’re reasons and excuses – excuses often times get a bad rep. This is because excuses are merely lies. There are things that betches say to cover up our true feelings or “the real reasons.”

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For example:

“I don’t want to be in a relationship.”

Real meaning: I just don’t want to be in a relationship with YOU. If somebody else comes along that I really like or that I can get away with more shit with, then I’m definitely going to date them, OK? I’m just trying not to make you feel bad. But in the meantime, I’ll still hang out with you, string you along and continue to have sex with you because it’s easy and convenient.

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“We didn’t work out because of bad timing.”

Real meaning: He had a girlfriend. Or a wife.

“I want to get over him but we have a REALLY strong connection.”

Real meaning: He’s good in bed. I hate his guts, he’s partially retarded, but it’s worth it to keep him around for a little while longer because I’m not over having sex with him yet.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Real meaning: I hardly even want to be your friend because I can’t even stand you. There’s no way in hell I want to be your girlfriend. I also don’t want to totally remove you from my life because I may need you to do something for me at some point in the future.

“Sorry – I’ve been really busy.”

This just gives the impression that you’re so busy (you know, busier than a world leader busy) and that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them. Real meaning: “I’m not interested / I’m halfway in it / I’ve been trying to get back with my ex.” And you’re really hoping that he just ends it for you so you don’t have to “hurt feelings.”

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The Admitting Cheater

“I need to get this off my chest – something happened last weekend. I hooked up with your friend, ______. We were drunk and it didn’t mean anything, but I just wanted you to know.”

What a piece of shit. So much so that you’re such an asshole that you’re going to run to your current girlfriend/boyfriend and admit to them that you just slept with that slut? or their best friend? or whoever the random person was. Because YOU can’t deal with it yourself. You want to bring the person who you’ve already hurt MORE INTO IT?! That’s real fucking nice. You cheated. You can’t cope with your problems. So – to make YOURSELF feel better, you’re going to tell your significant other that you cheated on them. That’s fucking smart, you silly idiot. So now you can make them feel way worse. You can feel so much better because you really needed to get that off your chest, and they’re going to have feelings of invalidity and doubt and haste because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants. Great fucking idea – tell the world why don’t ya? Dipshit.

Real meaning: I’m the biggest idiot alive and never talk to me again because I have no backbone and a small penis, OBVIOUSLY.

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Apology Accepting

“I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. I know I said that last time, but I’m really serious and I really love you and you’ve got to trust me.” 

Real meaning: “Look, can you hurry the fuck up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you think is really inconvenient and my ego does NOT like this reality. So if you don’t mind, get over the fucked up shit I did to you, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can get my sex life & perfect image back.” I basically want to get back to doing exactly what I always do. Also, be sure to reduce your expectations of a relationship with me immediately.

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Behind every excuse is the real reason.

“You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.”

Never Ending Quotes

Being connected 24/7 leaves us with constant contact. Photos, quotes, articles, blog posts, videos, etc. Quotes on Instagram are the most motivating, yet irritating thing to happen to me within the past 3 years. (dramatic statement).

Sometimes amazingly inspiring, other times, so tame, boring and downright annoying (especially when I saw a celebrity post the same exact quote about 17 minutes before you did). I bet you’re wondering..whats the most annoying quote a beautiful, single girl has ever heard? (No? Not even close to what you were wondering?! I don’t care, I’m still gonna tell ya!).

“Love yourself before anyone else can.”– Marilyn Monroe, Maya Angelou, Betsy Ross, Helen Keller…

Pretty much, insert any believable author that may or may not have actually said this ridiculous fucking quote.

So, I’m single. So what?
Does it bother me? Yes. When I’m bored. When am I bored? All of the fucking time…

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What’s worse than having ADD? Funny you should ask… because the only thing worse than having undiagnosed ADD, (which as a female, we clearly all have some form of), is having your shit somewhat together and then BAM! Having no one else to share it with. Nobody to help organize your chaos with or fix your ridiculous “problems,” or help you do random shit you can’t do don’t feel like doing. OH, and spend every waking moment together! That is exactly what a male companion has and probably will be for the remainder, so as long as we both shall live? Right? Right? Please help here, not really aware…just going with observations.

So-you want to set me up with your amazing son/nephew/grandson/co-worker/metrosexual best friend’s friend. I get it. I’m fabulous-everything about me is fabulous but do you know why? Because I love me. A lot. So why the need to write a quote? Or Instagram/Facebook tag me in something some old bitch said about loving yourself?  Do we need people to tell us to brush our teeth or to drive on the right side of the road? NO-ITS FUCKING COMMON SENSE.

Why don’t you love yourself? Why don’t you love your life? Funny thing is-you’re the one that is in control of your happiness..as well as your misery.  Seems ta meeee that you’re really just controlling your own misery, you placid bitch. GET HAPPY. NOW.

Do you know how simple it is? It’s called a fucking smile.  Have you ever seen what you look like frowning? Its ugly- like Kim K crying ugly (okay not that ugly-but still).

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So..are people telling you to “love yourself?” Maybe if you smiled or showered or dyed your hair or did anything that showed you cared one fucking second about yourself, this quote wouldn’t bother you.

Honestly…like. I dont want to share me with anyone. I’ve been in situations where I was sharing myself – my loves. my interests. my damn family. And what did I get in return? Well aside from some heights in anger and blood pressure-I got a lot of bullshit in return.

So if you’re wondering if I love myself -yes of course I do. And I’m not letting anyone else love me for a long time. So like… give your brother’s number to someone else. I’d rather pay for my own buzz with people I like.

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Being a female and having interaction with other females is beyond fascinating to me. Are we always in competition with one another? Are we always looking for a friend? Are we always looking to protect ourselves? Should we be? Women hold their relationships with males and females much differently. Especially when asking for advice. I’m a firm believer in asking for advice when I’m dealing with indecision – honestly, if you’re reading this blog post I’ve probably asked you for advice before. Maybe you’ve asked me for my advice or my opinion. Maybe you didn’t, but I gave it to you anyway. Sorry in advance for when I give you advice or an opinion that you may not want to hear. Anyway, it’s human nature to care about what others think and maybe better yourself from at least their thoughts on previous experiences.

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One thing that truly sometimes interests me – (this is really fucking boring because it’s always the same story) is how females confide in other females. Girls spend hours trying to help give advice to our friends when they are going trough a hard time with their boyfriend/fiancée/husband/random guy that they’re talking to. I’ve found that females will hardly EVER take the advice that other females give to them. I have countless examples in my everyday life & I’m sure you do too. Girls are fucking annoying. I sit and think to myself, “Why the fuck did I stress out about this issue you’re dealing with…FOR YOU when you ended up doing the complete opposite of what I suggested?” This is a constant. Relationships aren’t constant but advice/talking about the relationship/having to listen to the relationship is beyond constant.

As girl friends, we should really just be there to listen –  and then let them be. I’m a firm believer that at the end of the day and in the end of the decision making, the chick will always do what THEY want. DUH! Aren’t you always going to do what you want… Eventually, at least?

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Instead we should just provide wine, and actively listen. Listen – after it’s been the 17th time you’ve heard this great and exciting story? I know. You don’t want to – I don’t either. I didn’t enjoy telling it that many times either and neither did your bestie – unless, she’s that type and loves to talk about herself. Which, I’m sorry! And, instead of offering up our great advice, wait it out. And then, don’t judge their dumb ass decision after they make it.

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Because it’s never what you suggested. Just know this. And be okay with this.

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Reese, this is the worst thing you’ve ever said. Sorry, dolly.

Women on the other hand, will  ALWAYS take advice on how to handle girl fights.  Never their guy fights. Maybe “fight” is a harsh word—disagreements, questions, unsure moments, drunk arguments?

Example : Here’s a scenario that is potentially happening with a best friend. I have suspicions and then confirm to have found out your boyfriend has been cheating on you. SHOCKING! (to nobody). You’re pissed obviously, so you decide to do something about it. You can do as I would do – punch him in the fucking face, I mean…talk to him about it politely. JK. What I would really do is think of some conniving way to bring it up in front of him so that he knows that you know, without actually discussing it. At least make this bro shit his pants for a few days.  To the girl you’re going to think about it and think about it. It will go something like this. “Here is my advice that I prepared to give you for the past 2 nights so that I don’t offend you. I’m obviously really trying to help.” My advice : BREAK UP!  She’s devastated. She cries to you. She’s never been this miserable in her entire life.

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What she does? Stays with him!!! WHAT? WHY? Because, as always – this girl did what she wanted, whether it was right or wrong. She “talked to” this guy, they’re working on things, he’s so so sorry and it will never happen again. Until it does, OBVIOUSLY!

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But whatever – It’s done and it’s not your decision. It’s worthless to give your opinion about a man. Especially, never give an opinion to your best friend about her man that’s negative — because when she continues to stay with this guy, you’re going to have countless awkward encounters and now she knows how you really feel about the loser prick that she LOVES. I’ve come to a crossroads because at this point I’m like wtf. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and not lose sleep over it and move on. In the end, girls will 100% block out what they don’t want to hear about their man. It’s basically a proven theorem and if you don’t believe me,  you’re an idiot and probably have the exact man in your life that I’m talking about.

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However this is exceptionally different with chicks … You can give advice to your best friend about another friend like “write her a letter and buy her some wine” (basically beg for forgiveness for being a psycho betch) or “bitch her out and tell her how you really feel” (because she deserves it and if you don’t, I will). And it totally happens … Your girlfriend will take your advice much more often on this subject. They’re going to appreciate what you had to say, whether it was insightful or not and probably talk to the girl, or ignore the girl. Because we’re girls, and we KNOW how it is to be a girl. Like, WHAT? That doesn’t even make sense! But it happens. ALL THE TIME.

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I’ve started asking men for their advice regarding relationships. It still sucks, but at the very least, it’s honest. It’s not going to be what you want to hear – because it’s coming from a caveman, likely. But men are typically much more clear-minded with relationships. It’s either working or it’s not. It’s either going somewhere or not and if it’s in the in between phase, it’s going to be “worth it” to work on it, or its just not worth it.

Don’t show up to the fake shit. Leave it behind. It’s not going anywhere – you are.

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The choice is yours betch, do as you please. But remember that nice betches finish last in the game of advice & love. Speak your mind or keep it silent. XO

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Flawed Individual

I’m aware of my flaws. I work on what I want to and especially what I do not want to.

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“It will take time, Ashley,” that’s what everyone always tells me. Thanks, people. Thanks. I want to feel better right now though. Instant gratification is where we are at this point. In the world. In our lives – it’s where I am, anyway. The old saying, “Good things come to those who wait.” is an OLD saying for a fucking reason. It’s old. That’s a shitty concept and an even shittier way to look at life. I can guarantee that you do not know anybody who sits around doing nothing and who is getting fucking rewarded for it. Don’t even tell me Kim Kardashian as a response because you don’t fucking know her. And she’s doing it way better than you are. Don’t be mad because you’re jealous either. If you’re jealous, do something. Make yourself known – do something crazy.

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Do something crazy.

Or real. By crazy, I mean monumental – I hope it’s a positive crazy. Change your life and don’t slack off while doing so because that’s just atrocious and poor planning. If you fail, which you’re going to – get up betch! Cry a little if you need to. Show up again. Show up after a spa day looking refreshed and do it better. Remember that nobody is waiting for YOU. You are waiting for them to accept you. So go with it and let yourself be accepted however they’re willing to accept you. Judgement is real and there is no escaping it. Let them have you. Exactly how you are. And grow. And they’ll accept you again, for exactly who you become.

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At the least – I’m talking ultimate minimum, they’re going to talk shit about you. This is real talk. I can only imagine the extent to which I’m spoken about. LMAO. Because I think of the way I speak of others or how I think of basic’s and OUCH. I also push boundaries often because I do not care. And I get my own pleasure out of thinking it’s funny. Laugh about it why don’t ya? Laughing is good for the soul. Stay cheerful. Hold on to all things positive. Release all things negative.

Timing is not always on your side. Maintaining my health and having everything in check is a main priority of mine at the moment and for always. Also a major struggle. It’s getting better every day, better than I was yesterday. And tomorrow will be even better than today. This is one way that I’m learning to cope with time. Time can heal all. And protein can heal all blood sugar spikes… yeah, I’m working’ on it. Apparently, it all takes time…

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2014 – woke up this morning, still a bitch.

Happy 2014!

Woke up this morning in my apartment, alone, with an amazing outlook on my beautiful life. Wholeheartedly, decided to open up the refrigerator & remove 1 bottle of celebratory champagne. Followed by opening up the cabinet and removing 1 of my mother’s gorgeous champagne glasses from her wedding, which I now have because divorce. (Thanks parents, for all of your fab belongings that remind you of each other, that have been forcefully gifted to me. Love you much). And now I’m drinking the entire bottle to my face, because I’m me. Thank God I don’t mind what people think of me.

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Sat down to do my daily reading/stalking on IG, Twitter, Facebook, so that was different.

This year I’m going to do new things. I’m not going to focus on all of the “off” things in my life & focus on the positive things. Do cool shit. Do new things. All the time – step out of the comfort zone because I’m pretty good at being forced out of the comfort zone. Might as well just stay there and live it well.

Up on the agenda:

Learn French.

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Look back at it.

xo