The Cool Girl

You’re so easy going. You’re so fucking cool. You let things go because you’re not phased by the small shit. You have your shit together. You have a job that you “like” for the most part, and at least you’re making money. You surround yourself with people you love. You support yourself. You support and love the people around you. You get it. You’re inspirational. You’re willing to learn and grow. You’re single. You’re ready to be in an amazing relationship with a really awesome person except you’re unsure of yourself. You have nothing holding you back. Except yourself. Because you in fact, are: the cool girl.

The cool girl does really well in the beginning of a relationship. She does superb. She’s accepted so easily. She’s easily obsessed over because she established herself as the most amazing thing on this earth. She makes others feel at ease in her presence. She can hang in any situation with mostly any group of people. She treats others well, she can laugh at herself and she loves to laugh. She’s outgoing but not outlandish or outspoken. She listens when others speak. She says what she has to say. Says what she means but doesn’t say it mean. She’s rarely a bitch. She’s rarely “pissed off.” She’s genuine, you’d never really call her super nice, but she’s not mean at all. She’s cool.

This girl, my friends gets taken advantage of by men the most.

Girls who don’t give a fuck about men, get chased. Girls who care too much about men, get left behind. Girls who are cool, get mind fucked. On the regular. And suffer complete and utter relationship travesty.

The cool girl is at peace with the bro’s. She’s one with them. She gets it when the guys are having guy time. She lets them hang. She does her own thing. She hangs. She handles situations well. She’s not afraid to challenge a man. Or anyone. She does not fear telling other people how it is. She does not back down. She lets her guard down often enough. She eventually allows people into her life. She welcomes change. She loves her surroundings, and when she doesn’t – she changes. She’s the type of girl who hates the faux pax of doing girl things, but loves to do them anyway.

Cool girl gets played. She needs to stop. Stop trying to be the cool girl. It comes back and bites her. Cool girl gets judged, HARD. As soon as the cool girl reacts to something that her S.O. does in a negative way, she suddenly becomes the psycho girl. I’m talking a real reaction. It could be negative, could be positive, could be a little flustered, could be a normal as anything reaction. But since cool girl doesn’t make a big deal out of things, once she does – she’s immediately deemed psycho girl. Or she’s judged – like OMG why is she getting so worked up over this, it’s sooooo not a big deal.

Um, actually yes it is a big deal! “Cool guy” just isn’t used to cool girl reacting to things because she’s so fucking cool that she doesn’t need to react. So then, once she does react, “cool guy” feels entitled to judge cool girl on her less-than-regular reaction. And cool girl melts, because people she cares about are making her feel like she’s not the cool girl. When in reality she is still Miss Cool Girl. She needs to still be the cool girl, keep the cool girl confidence and let it go. When people can’t handle the cool girl, she must let them go. Only some people can handle her. Until then, cool girl should pour herself a glass of champagne and continue being cool, just not as cool to the uncool guy.

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Friend Zoned

Hey FZ guy! This is you, Mr. Friend Zone. Mr. I have girls that are friends, but never girlfriends. Mr. Play-It-Safe. Mr. Nobody Will Date Me. Mr. Niceguy. Mr. We’re Just Friends.

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What the F are you doing wrong?! Why are you in friend zone?

What you don’t know is that you’re already doing so much right… because friend zoned guys always get noticed, eventually…

Your ultimate roadblock is timing. Because right now, you’re NOT IT. One day though. You’ll be thankful in the long run and end up with a girl who is way more worth it than every girl who ever FZ’d you.

Many of you know what friend zone entails. The sometimes sad truth of friend zone is that this guy is super nice – generally pretty awesome and def somebody you enjoy being around for extended periods of time. Sounds great, right?

Wrong. The kicker is that this guy is not somebody that you’re even remotely interested in. Beginning a relationship with this dude romantically is NOT in the cards. Not yet, at least.

There is something about you, guy – that just does.  not.  do.  it.  for.  me.

One or More Characteristics Leads You to this Position:

Unattractiveness

Bad teeth, bad breath, overweight, underweight, poor attitude, weird smell, too short, bad hair. Sorryyy but these are all real time reasons as to why I wouldn’t like you that much. This sounds bad but I cannot lie.

Napoleon Complex 
Your personality is TREMENDOUS (and rather annoying) to make up for your less than average stature. AKA you have a little penis. Now I’m not saying I have never or will never, but I’m just saying… it’s a thing.

While in reality this could be 1 small factor, I’ll still hang on to it so so much and never let it go. Like I won’t even consider the 25+ good qualities you have if something is sticking out at me too far (or not far enough!).

Lack of Ambition

Come on, dude. Yeah – it’s great that your parents pay for everything for you. It’s NOT great that you live at home, you completely rely on your parents and you have no plans to begin your own life.

Age & Maturity or Immaturity Level 

I’ve heard you say you do not care, but FZ bro, it’s time to face the facts. You do care.  You care a lot actually and you go out of your way to tell people you don’t care. If you truly did not care, there would be no need to bring it up or put it on blast. So stop saying it – because you care. You’re practically obsessed. Obsessed with the fact that you are Friend Zoned.

Or everything is a joke. Like you need to be a little bit serious a little bit of the time. Another major friend zone reason. Man up, boy!

You can’t figure it out – I can’t even figure it out. I’m here to tell you to stop trying to figure it out.

Height , weight, race, socioeconomic background. These are all superficial but I  think they’re all honest reasons that women definitely think but don’t really speak of. And women definitely do not tell these reasons to the FZ guy to save hurting his feelings.

“I could never date a _________ guy.” or “I could never date a guy with ____________.” People have hard limits that they set for themselves. Everyone’s are different. “He’s too _________,” “He’s not enough ___________.” “I only date ___________ guys.”

FZ guys – I wish you the best of luck. I’m not sure how to make it happen but let me know when you figure it out.

My advice to you – quit the girl you’re trying for. Try for a new girl. You’re likely to get a reaction from both. 

 

 

The Art of Text Messaging

How long does it take you to respond to a text sometimes? You stare and read, re-read, screenshot, ask for help… think some more.

 

 

 

FINALLY, press “Send.”

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And the idiot you sent it to STILL does not understand exactly what you meant. You failed at getting your point across correctly. Tone is not conveyed through a text. And that sucks. Especially for an overly expressive individual like myself.

Verbiage/Text

OK, so – if you’re planning on texting me in incomplete sentences that are not specific abbreviations or current/relevant words, YOU’RE OUT.

“Imma b @ da beach. How boutchu mamii?”

UMMMMMMMM… wait. Excuse me? How do you survive in society? Don’t ever send me a a text again. I don’t understand your 1990’s style of ghetto texting. Actually reminds me of that commercial with the dad saying shit like “mad cool” or “fresh” or something gross. You can only get away with that if you have swagger. Or if you’re very funny. Even then, it’s questionable. Highly unlikely.

This is the EXACT moment when you turn on your “Read Receipts” and “forget to answer” for a few days. He’ll know. Obvi – IGNORED. Obvi- get outta here. You know I’m not texting you back and you also now know why.

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This post originally started off as a guest blog, but I have so much to say so it changed to a collaborative post featuring:

a dear friend and fellow “Queen Betch of Awkward Moments” Kelly Nolan (@kellynonoo).

What Can Go So Horribly Wrong When Texting:

What this world is missing is a Webster’s Dictionary for text message responses that can lead to complete awk-ness and mixed signals.

Let me start with my least fav, the “k”.

As the world has evolved to what it is in 2014, so has the “k”. There is now capital k, “K” and lower case k, “k” and if you’re me, you will literally respond to people as “k, capital” or “k, lowercase”.

Here’s the deal: The capital K is more of a hateful response. Like, once you receive that you should feel like you just got shanked. The lowercase k is more of a lazy response – it’s like you want to reply, but the “O” is just a stretch above that “k” and then adding the “a-y”, no way – you’d be too exhausted.

Next, let us discuss the period.

I’m all about the grammar life so like, use them at the end of a proper sentence.  Don’t be sending random periods! It messes with both standard English and people’s emotions.  If you’re sending a bitchy period that tells me that you, in fact have your period. Or if you’re a guy, a mangina and that’s what’s happening here. If you send multiple periods then you’re also very wrong. You look impatient, like your life is just depending on that person to answer.  Pathetic-ness will be sent right along with that text. So, it’s for your best interest to stay away from those dots.

Last but not least is the oh so popular “lol”.

While “lol” is an easy go-to response for just about anything and everything, it is about 77% of the time a lie. Are you really “laughing out loud” when you send that text? When you’re in the bathroom or on line at the grocery store or at work on lunch with your co-workers around are you really laughing out loud for all to hear?

My other issue with the “lol” is that it has become such an easy response that we tend to use it even when things aren’t funny. This also leads to mixed messages! You’re either giving someone far too much credit by making them think they are funny when they are not… OR you’re just hyping up someone who’s already cocky and knows they are funny. So unless you are laying on the floor laughing out loud —try to refrain. And if you are well then hell, we should bring back ROTFLOL.

So betches, all I ask of you is to PLEASE stop and think about what you’re texting. Whether you see it or not you could be ruining relationships, your own life, etc. Keep calm and keep loving Ashley Byrd XO Kelly No

WANTED!

“You’re a shopper. You shop. You’re good at that. You’re meant for that. This applies both to shoes & men…don’t give up and buy shitty shit because you need it temporarily. Wait for the quality. Shop around. Pick things up and put them back. Return if necessary. Keep shopping. You’ll fall in love eventually.” 

Quote from a best friend.

Admirable qualities for the man I want to find…

Applications available upon request. (Jobless, heartless, untrustworthy, liars need not apply).

Qualifications are rather simple complex, sorry.

…dreams of a decent man.

Must enjoy trying new things and having new experiences. This is broad but get OVER it and get under it. Be open and don’t close yourself out to things that you aren’t comfortable with.

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Must understand my need/bug to travel – anywhere and anytime. And understand that I’ll spend whatever amount of $ I deem necessary to do so. And that he should as well, obvi.

Constantly growing and learning and being awesome. Never settling.

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Food lover ❤ – likes to try new places and going out to restaurants frequently. Also must be a healthy eater and put up with my strange/specific food diets.

Can hang and drink but does not need to go out every single night. By that I mean 4 + nights per week.

Active. Likes to exercise. Do outdoorsy things. So like, don’t be too lazy.

Likes to shop a little. Dresses well without trying too hard. And buys me nice shit (although unnecessary because I buy myself nice shit).

Likes sports.

Has good friends. Likes to include me in things with their friends. AND willing to do fun things with my friends. And actually likes my friends. A lot.

And makes me happy.

“Spend all your time and your money, just to find out that my love was free…”

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Likes to do nothing sometimes.

Is competitive in a good way.

Can deal with my ridiculous family. Enjoys his family.

Has a job he enjoys and isn’t miserable at. Makes a fab salary with growth potential. Has goals and sights for the future. Includes me in them.

Thinks I’m pretty.

Will hang out with me even if its playoffs football season and I don’t want to watch. (I will – this is a trick question). 😉

Will fight with me but not argue to make me lose.

love you idiot

Is honest and has no reason to lie about anything. Ever.

Will trust my opinions because they’re always right. Right?!

Knows how to make a cocktail.

And will occasionally allow me to dress him.

Also likes champagne.

Doesn’t lie. Did I already say that?

Smells exceptionally great.

Nice abs wouldn’t hurt. Or arms.

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Mutual level of respect.

CAN MAKE ME LAUGH. At any given moment. Even when I’m fuming and all I want to do is scream or run.

…Dreams of a decent man.

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Take a look at what Brad Pitt has to say on Angelina – mostly the ending part. I don’t know if I really like thisbut I kind of like it. I don’t necessarily believe that a man has the power to completely change a woman. Or that she is a total reflection of him – but when it’s of a positive image, positive things can happen. And I like that. The ending is what makes it amazing. 

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Until then, I won’t go chasin’ waterfalls –

I’ll be doin’ me, right over here. xo 

do not chase people

This is an endless list. I don’t know why I’m posting it today. I wrote this 3 months ago. #latergram.

The Apology

“It’s a shame that at some point people developed the belief that apologies make you look weak.” – LD

Sometimes Facebook inspires me. I know, right?! Who AM I? But this quote really struck me and as soon as I read it my mind started moving – a million miles a minute.

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Apologizing is really difficult. There are times where I should have apologized or excused myself but I failed to do so because I felt like I looked dumb. I’m afraid this happens to a lot of us and we’re too afraid to admit it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am by no means “team sorry” at all. Too many “I’m sorry’s” turns it into a meaningless statement that nobody appreciates or believes.

When people say “I’m sorry” as a form of endearment (vomit), I literally would prefer to rip their heads off their skulls than ever listen to their voice again…
Example:
Me: (complaining voice) “I don’t know what to do on Saturdaaaaaaay.”
Rando: “I’m sorry.”
Me: face of disgust (I’m not going to give you the feeling of accomplishment by saying “you don’t need to be sorry – nothing you did” because OBVIOUSLY! Like duh it’s not your fault. Why don’t you have a conversation instead of that closed ended response of I’m sorry. Ugh don’t speak to me ever I’m walking away now – bye.
“Yeah.”

Thanks for nothing, bro.

Apologizing has gotten the stigma of making people look weak. Especially in the workplace.

In families and intimate relationships, I’m sorry is a statement that gets overused and abused. Or worse, not used at all.

You expect your parents to do so much for you and they have done a lot for you since your birth YET you get frustrated and annoyed with them and forget to say please and thank you. Or apologize for when you forget. Even friends or boyfriends & girlfriends take the brunt of the over-apology, the non-apology, the fake-apology or the no-apology-at-all.

At work or with superiors is where I feel the apology has taken a back seat. As an employee, you don’t want to feel like a major IDIOT so you don’t apologize. You don’t want to let your boss think that you are making excuses. Which maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. However – it’s all in the presentation.

Boss: “You missed this entire report it should have been sent out yesterday. Now it won’t be there in time and we’re going to be in deep shit!”

Wrong response #1: Oops, Sorry!
Wrong response #2: (Do nothing & slowly scurry back to your desk).
Wrong response #3: Well, ya see – the reason why I didn’t do that is because I was waiting for Johnny to give me the correct answer and he didn’t respond to any of my emails.

Correct response: I apologize for not being thorough and completing this. I’ll work on it immediately and get it out by courier today so to will arrive immediately. Anything else that you’d suggest?

Bottom line is – be aware of your words and take initiative to face your mistakes and overcome them by apologizing for what was wrong in the situation.

Go back to your roots! By that I mean, Pre-School! I also need to get back to my roots meaning my roots specialist aka hair girl, because they’re in desperate need of some TLC.

In the meantime, Say you’re Sorry’s, Thank You’s and Your Welcome’s! Please do not believe that an apology makes you weak – WORK it, MAKE it, DO it, makes us Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger. -Kanye ❤

Why Men Cheat

I’ve literally been doing research on why men cheat from the moment I started dating my first boyfriend (so, Kindergarten).

Obviously, never wanting to be cheated on, but knowing that it does in fact happen – I made sure I was exceptionally cool. Really easy-going, and not annoying to boys (or anyone for that matter). Main goal is to basically not act like a girl at all. Be like “one of the guys” without actually being weird or gross. Not forcing the “center of attention” look on myself. Not letting the little things become a big thing.

I give all of my girl friends very similar advice – to remain calm, cool and let shit go! Except when I’ve found myself in positions when I can’t let shit go – this has blown up in my face. Discovering why men cheat has been rough, but it’s all a part of growing up. Females cheat too, but I don’t care about that so save your opinions for another betch.

I had the pleasure of speaking with a man who is a Grade A, top of the line, high quality and respectable dude – also, a CHEATER. No names needed and specific situations never needed, but they happened and he’s real. This is what we’ve come up with. Enjoy or don’t.

Some men are never truly happy in their lives.

To these guys, happiness is a temporary feeling. Fleeting. There’s always this search for more or what’s next. So they mask their unhappiness through a variety of methods – drinking, drugs, gambling, and yes, womanizing.

Men at times are genuinely unhappy in their relationships and with themselves, which leads them to cheat. Chasing that temporary high or that good feeling in the beginning of a hook-up. Men are babies. They’re insecure and act immature.

a betches motto <3
a betches motto ❤

Insecurity.

Men want to be able to know “they’ve still got it” or they can still “pull a hot chick.” Congrat-u-fucking-lations? Good for you, bro. I guess? But when will it ever end? When will you feel secure enough with yourself that you don’t need to cheat on the one that you’re with just to prove to your friends or to yourself that you’ve still got it? If you do in fact, still have it – fucking keep it! People will know you still have it because you’ve kept the person that you’re with. And you’re cool because you’re confident, not cocky. You know when to fire punches and you also know when to roll with the punches. And if you choose to  leave the person that you’re with, do it with some class and dignity and don’t look back.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/an-dHgZ4uY4nhu4J/the_40_year_old_virgin_2005_confrontation_at_the_store_part_2/ 

Sex is a major factor – obviously.

Men cheat because their current girlfriend is boring. Or he can’t get over me. Leading a double life gets difficult after awhile so pick a team, dude!

Men don’t want to face the reality of their sexual incompetence and dealing with a new girl allows them to escape from their real life for a little while? (Disclaimer: Maybe for some, not Exhibit A…)

Cheating can be done in two forms: physical & emotional.

Ask any sane or better, insane betch what is worse? – The guaranteed response: emotional cheating. Cheating usually becomes emotional as soon as it happens more than once – sometimes not, but the physical isn’t what gets people so worked up about it.

Like – I don’t really care if you’re sleeping with another person. What I do care about is protecting myself (from whatever you may get or have from this other person). This is the scary part about cheaters. Like if you’re going to cheat or lie about what you’re doing with others, go right ahead and be a piece of shit liar. BUT you better fucking think about the literal danger that you may be putting somebody else in. STD. Immune system killers. I think about this all the time (maybe I’m paranoid) but I think everyone else is just dumb.

He doesn’t LOVE her anymore.

Bullshit. If you feel that strongly about not loving someone anymore, you should feel strongly enough to fucking tell them. This all comes down to the insecurity. Not feeling comfortable enough with yourself that you can’t break up with somebody is awful. Being with a person isn’t the end all – marriage is not always the end of the road. Love isn’t the end.

My question is whether or not cheaters evolve? Or will a guy be a cheater forever and ever, for the rest of his life so help him, God.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Why are there so many cat metaphors? Ughh…

This is a Life Lesson for Everyone…

Some people DON’T love you, they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you – they love the benefits.

So, they do the minimal. A little phone call here and there. A text. Just checking/thinking about you (ppffftttt!).

WHAT THEY ARE REALLY DOING IS: MAINTAINING A CONNECTION, SO WHEN THEY NEED YOU – THEY STILL HAVE A WAY IN.

Reading people gets easier with age. Be careful of the curious and stay close and true to those true few.

Decoding The Lies!

Decoding the language of modern relationships.

Here ya go guys, I’m here to give you the “literal meanings” behind what people are saying to you. They’re reasons and excuses – excuses often times get a bad rep. This is because excuses are merely lies. There are things that betches say to cover up our true feelings or “the real reasons.”

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For example:

“I don’t want to be in a relationship.”

Real meaning: I just don’t want to be in a relationship with YOU. If somebody else comes along that I really like or that I can get away with more shit with, then I’m definitely going to date them, OK? I’m just trying not to make you feel bad. But in the meantime, I’ll still hang out with you, string you along and continue to have sex with you because it’s easy and convenient.

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“We didn’t work out because of bad timing.”

Real meaning: He had a girlfriend. Or a wife.

“I want to get over him but we have a REALLY strong connection.”

Real meaning: He’s good in bed. I hate his guts, he’s partially retarded, but it’s worth it to keep him around for a little while longer because I’m not over having sex with him yet.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Real meaning: I hardly even want to be your friend because I can’t even stand you. There’s no way in hell I want to be your girlfriend. I also don’t want to totally remove you from my life because I may need you to do something for me at some point in the future.

“Sorry – I’ve been really busy.”

This just gives the impression that you’re so busy (you know, busier than a world leader busy) and that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them. Real meaning: “I’m not interested / I’m halfway in it / I’ve been trying to get back with my ex.” And you’re really hoping that he just ends it for you so you don’t have to “hurt feelings.”

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The Admitting Cheater

“I need to get this off my chest – something happened last weekend. I hooked up with your friend, ______. We were drunk and it didn’t mean anything, but I just wanted you to know.”

What a piece of shit. So much so that you’re such an asshole that you’re going to run to your current girlfriend/boyfriend and admit to them that you just slept with that slut? or their best friend? or whoever the random person was. Because YOU can’t deal with it yourself. You want to bring the person who you’ve already hurt MORE INTO IT?! That’s real fucking nice. You cheated. You can’t cope with your problems. So – to make YOURSELF feel better, you’re going to tell your significant other that you cheated on them. That’s fucking smart, you silly idiot. So now you can make them feel way worse. You can feel so much better because you really needed to get that off your chest, and they’re going to have feelings of invalidity and doubt and haste because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants. Great fucking idea – tell the world why don’t ya? Dipshit.

Real meaning: I’m the biggest idiot alive and never talk to me again because I have no backbone and a small penis, OBVIOUSLY.

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Apology Accepting

“I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. I know I said that last time, but I’m really serious and I really love you and you’ve got to trust me.” 

Real meaning: “Look, can you hurry the fuck up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you think is really inconvenient and my ego does NOT like this reality. So if you don’t mind, get over the fucked up shit I did to you, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can get my sex life & perfect image back.” I basically want to get back to doing exactly what I always do. Also, be sure to reduce your expectations of a relationship with me immediately.

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Behind every excuse is the real reason.

“You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.”

Singles Discrimination

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there yo. I don’t even know what that means but what I do know is that I’m annoyed. Because I’m discriminated against. It’s because I’M SINGLE.

I’m saying that I’m discriminated against….. because I’m single! Yes I said it twice because I don’t fucking understand this and I’m trying to figure it out. How messed up is that? Are you discriminating against me because you’re jealous of me? Ummmm…I guess I know. But like, really? It’s happened to me multiple times lately and I’m over it.

I can’t take the fact that I’m not taken seriously because I don’t have a significant other. Are you kidding me? Sorry I don’t need a man to make me whole. Maybe I do, but I just don’t have one at the current moment. So, sorry not sorry? It annoys me when I don’t get invited to do things because they’re known as “couples” things and the groups felt bad inviting me because I would feel out of place? Since when do you think I would feel out of place around anybody? #awkward

Why are we judged based on who we’re with? Like you’re not going to invite me to your wedding with a date because I don’t have a serious enough boyfriend for you? OK COOL, THANKS! So besides the true fact that I don’t have a serious boyfriend – you’re going to rub it into my face and make me show up somewhere (to your wedding) with not only not having a boyfriend and being surrounded with people who do have significant others and your new husband or wife, but that I don’t even have a shitty date by my side. That’s a real feel good moment for the singles. Ugh – annoying.

It’s also assumed that because I don’t have a serious enough boyfriend that I’m always down to party or that I’m constantly searching for a new boyfriend. So I do like to party but I don’t always like to party. I don’t search for boyfriends, but I’m always game for meeting new & interesting people. So let me ask you a question: CAN I LIVE?!

Why is it that I’m shunned from certain groups of people because they do things as “couples?” F that. When I do find my new boyfriend  (remain single for the rest of my life) I’ll call all of you guys up and invite you to do really amazing couples things with me. NOT.

I’m bitter, huh?

Ok, back to loving me. xo

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Street Art in Paris ❤

Never Ending Quotes

Being connected 24/7 leaves us with constant contact. Photos, quotes, articles, blog posts, videos, etc. Quotes on Instagram are the most motivating, yet irritating thing to happen to me within the past 3 years. (dramatic statement).

Sometimes amazingly inspiring, other times, so tame, boring and downright annoying (especially when I saw a celebrity post the same exact quote about 17 minutes before you did). I bet you’re wondering..whats the most annoying quote a beautiful, single girl has ever heard? (No? Not even close to what you were wondering?! I don’t care, I’m still gonna tell ya!).

“Love yourself before anyone else can.”– Marilyn Monroe, Maya Angelou, Betsy Ross, Helen Keller…

Pretty much, insert any believable author that may or may not have actually said this ridiculous fucking quote.

So, I’m single. So what?
Does it bother me? Yes. When I’m bored. When am I bored? All of the fucking time…

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What’s worse than having ADD? Funny you should ask… because the only thing worse than having undiagnosed ADD, (which as a female, we clearly all have some form of), is having your shit somewhat together and then BAM! Having no one else to share it with. Nobody to help organize your chaos with or fix your ridiculous “problems,” or help you do random shit you can’t do don’t feel like doing. OH, and spend every waking moment together! That is exactly what a male companion has and probably will be for the remainder, so as long as we both shall live? Right? Right? Please help here, not really aware…just going with observations.

So-you want to set me up with your amazing son/nephew/grandson/co-worker/metrosexual best friend’s friend. I get it. I’m fabulous-everything about me is fabulous but do you know why? Because I love me. A lot. So why the need to write a quote? Or Instagram/Facebook tag me in something some old bitch said about loving yourself?  Do we need people to tell us to brush our teeth or to drive on the right side of the road? NO-ITS FUCKING COMMON SENSE.

Why don’t you love yourself? Why don’t you love your life? Funny thing is-you’re the one that is in control of your happiness..as well as your misery.  Seems ta meeee that you’re really just controlling your own misery, you placid bitch. GET HAPPY. NOW.

Do you know how simple it is? It’s called a fucking smile.  Have you ever seen what you look like frowning? Its ugly- like Kim K crying ugly (okay not that ugly-but still).

kim-kardashian-crying-face-2-zap2it

So..are people telling you to “love yourself?” Maybe if you smiled or showered or dyed your hair or did anything that showed you cared one fucking second about yourself, this quote wouldn’t bother you.

Honestly…like. I dont want to share me with anyone. I’ve been in situations where I was sharing myself – my loves. my interests. my damn family. And what did I get in return? Well aside from some heights in anger and blood pressure-I got a lot of bullshit in return.

So if you’re wondering if I love myself -yes of course I do. And I’m not letting anyone else love me for a long time. So like… give your brother’s number to someone else. I’d rather pay for my own buzz with people I like.