Friend Zoned

Hey FZ guy! This is you, Mr. Friend Zone. Mr. I have girls that are friends, but never girlfriends. Mr. Play-It-Safe. Mr. Nobody Will Date Me. Mr. Niceguy. Mr. We’re Just Friends.

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What the F are you doing wrong?! Why are you in friend zone?

What you don’t know is that you’re already doing so much right… because friend zoned guys always get noticed, eventually…

Your ultimate roadblock is timing. Because right now, you’re NOT IT. One day though. You’ll be thankful in the long run and end up with a girl who is way more worth it than every girl who ever FZ’d you.

Many of you know what friend zone entails. The sometimes sad truth of friend zone is that this guy is super nice – generally pretty awesome and def somebody you enjoy being around for extended periods of time. Sounds great, right?

Wrong. The kicker is that this guy is not somebody that you’re even remotely interested in. Beginning a relationship with this dude romantically is NOT in the cards. Not yet, at least.

There is something about you, guy – that just does.  not.  do.  it.  for.  me.

One or More Characteristics Leads You to this Position:

Unattractiveness

Bad teeth, bad breath, overweight, underweight, poor attitude, weird smell, too short, bad hair. Sorryyy but these are all real time reasons as to why I wouldn’t like you that much. This sounds bad but I cannot lie.

Napoleon Complex 
Your personality is TREMENDOUS (and rather annoying) to make up for your less than average stature. AKA you have a little penis. Now I’m not saying I have never or will never, but I’m just saying… it’s a thing.

While in reality this could be 1 small factor, I’ll still hang on to it so so much and never let it go. Like I won’t even consider the 25+ good qualities you have if something is sticking out at me too far (or not far enough!).

Lack of Ambition

Come on, dude. Yeah – it’s great that your parents pay for everything for you. It’s NOT great that you live at home, you completely rely on your parents and you have no plans to begin your own life.

Age & Maturity or Immaturity Level 

I’ve heard you say you do not care, but FZ bro, it’s time to face the facts. You do care.  You care a lot actually and you go out of your way to tell people you don’t care. If you truly did not care, there would be no need to bring it up or put it on blast. So stop saying it – because you care. You’re practically obsessed. Obsessed with the fact that you are Friend Zoned.

Or everything is a joke. Like you need to be a little bit serious a little bit of the time. Another major friend zone reason. Man up, boy!

You can’t figure it out – I can’t even figure it out. I’m here to tell you to stop trying to figure it out.

Height , weight, race, socioeconomic background. These are all superficial but I  think they’re all honest reasons that women definitely think but don’t really speak of. And women definitely do not tell these reasons to the FZ guy to save hurting his feelings.

“I could never date a _________ guy.” or “I could never date a guy with ____________.” People have hard limits that they set for themselves. Everyone’s are different. “He’s too _________,” “He’s not enough ___________.” “I only date ___________ guys.”

FZ guys – I wish you the best of luck. I’m not sure how to make it happen but let me know when you figure it out.

My advice to you – quit the girl you’re trying for. Try for a new girl. You’re likely to get a reaction from both. 

 

 

Best Friend VS. Bestie

As many betches know, the difference between a “bestie” and a best friend is MAJOR.

My prob is that I tend to call many people my “bestie” and I just don’t want to give anybody the wrong idea here, so I’ll clarify.

A best friend holds a much stronger responsibility than a bestie. Yet a best friend can always be referred to as a bestie, no questions asked. On the other hand, some besties will never achieve the title of best friend no matter what they do.

Your best friend is that personyou know who they are and they know who they are. You can def, 100%, totes have more than 1 best friend in your life. And in different contexts for that matter. But one thing is for sureeee, they will ALWAYS have the same qualities. And usually in your mind, you know there is a 1st place holder. This person is your soulmate basically. They know you so well – like better than your future husband or wife because they have known you forever and you’ve spent far too much time together.

A bestie can be classified into various categories of people you know. A bestie can be a close friend, a regular friend, one of your betches, and the term can even be used as an endearing comment toward someone you like a lot but aren’t even that close with. WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING ABOUT BESTS VS. BESTIES?! 

A friend called me out on naming him a “bestie” this weekend and we started to compare. He told me I should make a Vennix Square…. UM?. ?. ?.  Yup. WTF is that? It’s exactly what it sounds like. Brendan is an extremely intelligent individual, however – he is definitely the type who would know where roofies would come from. That guy. 😉 totes kidding, bestie! Whatever – a Vennix Square is the combination of a Punnet Square, Venn Diagram & a Rubik’s Cube. This does not make sense, whatsoever. But in short, he meant a Venn Diagram and I’ll try to explain.

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Design & Photo Credit: Brendan Sixer

In fact, his Venn Diagram is incorrect because nothing is actually being compared and should be drawn as listed below.

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Bests vs. Besties Venn Diagram * (corrected by yours truly).

I’ll tell my besties everything, but I’ll tell my best friend WHY I told them everything. As always, it’s all about perception.

There’s a difference … and just because I name you as my bestie does NOT mean you don’t qualify as a best friend. You may be that. Or more.

Overall, bestie is simply a term of endearment that’s catchy and easy to use. And I’m obsessed with it.

Decoding The Lies!

Decoding the language of modern relationships.

Here ya go guys, I’m here to give you the “literal meanings” behind what people are saying to you. They’re reasons and excuses – excuses often times get a bad rep. This is because excuses are merely lies. There are things that betches say to cover up our true feelings or “the real reasons.”

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For example:

“I don’t want to be in a relationship.”

Real meaning: I just don’t want to be in a relationship with YOU. If somebody else comes along that I really like or that I can get away with more shit with, then I’m definitely going to date them, OK? I’m just trying not to make you feel bad. But in the meantime, I’ll still hang out with you, string you along and continue to have sex with you because it’s easy and convenient.

buzz lightyear

“We didn’t work out because of bad timing.”

Real meaning: He had a girlfriend. Or a wife.

“I want to get over him but we have a REALLY strong connection.”

Real meaning: He’s good in bed. I hate his guts, he’s partially retarded, but it’s worth it to keep him around for a little while longer because I’m not over having sex with him yet.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Real meaning: I hardly even want to be your friend because I can’t even stand you. There’s no way in hell I want to be your girlfriend. I also don’t want to totally remove you from my life because I may need you to do something for me at some point in the future.

“Sorry – I’ve been really busy.”

This just gives the impression that you’re so busy (you know, busier than a world leader busy) and that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them. Real meaning: “I’m not interested / I’m halfway in it / I’ve been trying to get back with my ex.” And you’re really hoping that he just ends it for you so you don’t have to “hurt feelings.”

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The Admitting Cheater

“I need to get this off my chest – something happened last weekend. I hooked up with your friend, ______. We were drunk and it didn’t mean anything, but I just wanted you to know.”

What a piece of shit. So much so that you’re such an asshole that you’re going to run to your current girlfriend/boyfriend and admit to them that you just slept with that slut? or their best friend? or whoever the random person was. Because YOU can’t deal with it yourself. You want to bring the person who you’ve already hurt MORE INTO IT?! That’s real fucking nice. You cheated. You can’t cope with your problems. So – to make YOURSELF feel better, you’re going to tell your significant other that you cheated on them. That’s fucking smart, you silly idiot. So now you can make them feel way worse. You can feel so much better because you really needed to get that off your chest, and they’re going to have feelings of invalidity and doubt and haste because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants. Great fucking idea – tell the world why don’t ya? Dipshit.

Real meaning: I’m the biggest idiot alive and never talk to me again because I have no backbone and a small penis, OBVIOUSLY.

babe-i-know-what-it-looked-like

Apology Accepting

“I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. I know I said that last time, but I’m really serious and I really love you and you’ve got to trust me.” 

Real meaning: “Look, can you hurry the fuck up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you think is really inconvenient and my ego does NOT like this reality. So if you don’t mind, get over the fucked up shit I did to you, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can get my sex life & perfect image back.” I basically want to get back to doing exactly what I always do. Also, be sure to reduce your expectations of a relationship with me immediately.

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Behind every excuse is the real reason.

“You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.”