Trashy Lifestyles Abruptly Stopping Thanks to this Heartfelt Letter

This may sound messed up, and – it is. And I’m not sure if I really care or I’m just writing this statement to make myself seem less judgmental.

Whatever – I feel like part of my calling in life is to teach trashy people from Long Island how to be less trashy. Steps are below. Many of them are directed at women because that’s who I identify with and I usually go too hard on the men, anyway.

1. Wear less eyeliner. I mean this in the proper context, of course. If you’re heading out and eyeliner is a part of your look, great. You’re not the person I’m suggesting change from, but I bet you know exactly who it is that I am talking about.

2. Stop with the excessively gnarly acrylic nails. You’re not Kylie Jenner. Even though I wish you were and her nails don’t even bother me because I love her. It’s another perception thing. I may vomit though, BRB.

3. Don’t wear pajamas in public. Any kind of pajamas. I don’t care if they’re “cute.” Don’t.

4. “You can’t dress trashy til you spend a lot of money.” Even then, still be careful.

Just recently I had a stint at the Bay Shore Mall, where I purchased “ghetto clothes” / “disposable clothing” from a store that I’m now mildly obsessed with called Agachi. I mean, the 3 things I purchased from this store are pure gold. Who has to know that the AMAZING sparkly jelly shoes I’ve been wearing ALL DAMN SUMMER with black pants & tanks /dresses were $12.90? Well now everybody does. But how awesome? I’m dressing a little bit trashy – BUT because I’ve collected a wardrobe that isn’t typically one that’s “trashy,” I feel much more comfortable rocking some trashy chic shit from a ghetto ass store occasionally. Or all summer. Also – it’s way easier to dress a little trashier during summer months.

I digress…

5. Do less. Do MUCH less. Speaking, mostly. STFU, nobody wants to hear you yelling (at your husband – how the F do you even have one?, at your children – again, how/why?, at your pet (feel so bad for that pet), into your mobile device).

6. Politely wait until it’s your turn. Basically, relax people.

7. Wear clothing that generally fits you (not too small, not too huge). Aim for your own size. Thumbs up.

8. Just go ahead and delete your Facebook. Just delete. Inactivate – whatever it is. DO US ALL A HUGE FAVOR, so we don’t have to block you and your heinous social media updates about your “intelligent” thoughts on “controversial topics.”

9. Oversharing Birthing. When you’re pregnant, ladies. Go right ahead and be pregnant. Sharing every moment, every aspect, every sonogram, every month of your girth growth in side by side comparisons – completely fucking unnecessary. I mean, we all get it – as time goes on over the next 9-10 months, YOU WILL GET LARGER. Thank. You. So. Much. For. Sharing. AND DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SHARING PHOTOS DURING BIRTH. We’ve all seen Knocked Up and don’t care to re-live the scene until we’re going through it ourselves. Enough.

10. Get off your cell phone while driving. I bet know we’re all guilty of this, whether it’s trashy or not. But like… for some reason, whenever I see a person doing this… they’re usually a bit more likely to be trashy than not. And swerving into my lane on the LIE. And driving so slow on a merge.

11. Bumper stickers on your car. Or the little people / family stickers on the back of your minivan window. Just no.

12. Spotting fake bags / discussing fake bags. What the ACTUAL F is anybody still doing with a fake handbag? Do something real. Doesn’t matter the price. Just don’t.

Keep Long Island Beautiful ❤ 

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Uber * (1Star)

According to my Uber driver this morning, I have only a 1 Star rating. Similar to how the user gets to rate the driver on a 5-star scale, the drivers also get to rate the user. OK soooo… How does one even attain this level of being such a shitty customer? I’m always polite to them, chat if I’m chatted to, I’m quiet when I don’t want to speak. I don’t eat or drink in Uber. I don’t do anything that weird in them (I don’t think…).

After asking my driver today, apparently my poor rating is because I don’t enter my pick-up address. Um… what? I never have. And truthfully, the app always does show my Uber driving right passed where I am (like today). And I freak out like where is this person going? WTF, UGH. Press ‘Contact Driver’ and ask them, “Where are you?” “Why are you there? I’m all the way over here.”

His suggestion – stop using the “Drop a Pin” pick up. Because the “Drop a Pin” is often times wrong. OH. Like that’s my fault? Sorry my iPhone doesn’t work. Sorry Uber doesn’t work. Whatever – he told me it is not useful for me (clearly) OR for the driver (because then they’re driving around in circles looking for me). Yeah.

I have a love/hate relationship with Uber – I’m currently trying to boycott because relying on it is too expensive for me. Which basically means I would rather spend my money in other more significant ways then getting to Brooklyn from Manhattan. I’ve been taking public transportation more often lately in NYC. Which will literally be the death of me.

Whatever, he gave me a 5 Star ***** rating today (he showed me for proof)! Thanks Mirza, have a great day!

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Got you back 😉

Fight Back or Just Be Nicer…

If your goal is to “talk to me” or get my attention – like everything, there’s probably a right way and a wrong way to do it.

Right way does not include a threat or a disgruntled negative attitude as to why I have not talked to you in over a year (shade). That’s actually first on the list of “Ways to get a girl to be completely disgusted and never talk to you again”… Borderline harassment is probably the best way, though…NOT! (digression..)

So the next time you’re walking down the street and the creepy men that stare at you and say “Daayyyum” when you walk by or whisper “You’re beautiful mami” in your ear, or my ultimate favorite: “God Bless You!” (when its quite obvious I didn’t sneeze, but “thanks, you too!”) or do the elongated neck breaking stare that follows you down the street… (OMG run-on sentence)

I know — you first STOP and GAG yourself because this man typically looks like a foot and you’re obviously uninterested in the building superintendent, 5ft3 construction man or restaurant sidewalk sweeper that stands outside on the street… But YOU MUST RECOVER!

I used to feel unbearably uncomfortable by these people that I would try to avoid them at all costs— like cross the street quicker! Somehow this always ended up majorly fucking me over. Now I gave these creeps a better view to stare at my ass or make weird comments from afar – now other bystanders look…and I look even more stupid. Fuck me, right?!?! UGH… Then I would try to just walk a little faster. Also dumb, because then I looked like a T-Rex or a weird competitor of that Olympic walking activity  – all while wearing a dress and heels. AWKWARD. 

Instead of deciding whether or not I should make eye contact, do an awkward smile, walk away humiliated with a scowl on my face while 3 men (clearly a dog’s age or older) are staring at my ass and licking their lips with the extreme fallacy that they’re going to find out what’s underneath my clothes. No, sir. You aren’t! Regardless, I changed my attitude real quick…

I kind of take that age comment back – it has nothing to do with age – because 20-somethings do it, 30-somethings, 80-somethings. Age is irrelevant. It’s their occupation or rather their “non-occupation” – something I’ve titled the “STREET LURKER,” or “CORNER STANDER.” Definition: biggest creep on the block that somehow is always outside when I’m walking by. Don’t you have a job, dude? What the f…

Nowadays I march my ass right up to these motherfuckers every damn day with a friendly smile on my face. And I say hello to them. Every time. I say hello first. I don’t allow them to treat me like a “piece.” I don’t actually take their comments as compliments because I don’t think they’re usually meant as compliments. I basically try to make them feel like idiots. That’s a goal of mine on many forefronts. To make people who have made me feel like an idiot once; feel like an idiot for quite a few times after that. I’ve even learned their names. They don’t disrespect me anymore – or at least make me feel disrespected because now we’re “friends” – I mean, no we’re not – but at least I’m not just a girl that they can gawk and/or hoot at. They’ll just say hi back and it’s over. Until I go to lunch – and walk past a pile of different creeps.

It works though. Establish your domain. Don’t be touchable. When you make yourself unavailable to them on the level of respect – they’ll stop. It’s really not a confidence thing because I’ve got plenty of that – it’s more of a security thing – like “back up off me,” “you already know me so you have no reason to be rude to me,” and TBH, “please step the F away.”

Men at Lunch, 1932
Men at Lunch, 1932

Meanwhile as I’m walking toward my lunch spot, I quickly cross the road in anticipation of construction signs and a sidewalk blocked. Phew – avoided those guys!!! WIN. UNTIL I realize it is also their lunchtime…. and 26 (literally, not exaggerating at all – I fucking counted) construction worker men are sitting down (which is the worst because they now have a view from the below angle…pity) staring at me as I walk between Spring and Prince Streets. Really didn’t win that one at all, Ash. Never gonna see them again (hopefully) so it’s not like you can say hi to any of them – EVER. Epic fail.

You get the gist, be nice to the creeps. Just not too nice.  😉

Modern Day Photo "Men At Lunch"
Modern Day Photo “Men At Lunch”

Please Just Don’t…

Please, Just Don’t…

– Ask me what I do for a living as your ice breaker. Or how much money I make. It’s not okay.

– Get so drunk that you use the “sorry I said what I said when I was drunk” excuse. More than once. To the same person. This is a MAJOR flaw I have. I’m learning to keep my mouth shut. It’s not easy and usually takes a traumatic incidence or 7 to come to terms with this.

– Over pluck or over wax! Or wax in general – your eyebrows. Biggest mistake of your life. Trust.

– Flaunt your money. It’s unbecoming. What’s worse is being the cheapest MF in town. It’s one thing to be frugal, it’s another to be an asshole. Don’t spend money, spend time. Rather, don’t spend time – share time.

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– Overdo it. Keep it 100, but also just relax.

Soho Street Art
Soho Street Art

– Tell your personal problems to everyone you know. Sharing is caring. It’s giving ammunition to all of those around you and spilling your world into places that will become invalid and invaluable. Only share what’s important to you with those who are important to you. And always be aware that when you ask for advice from people, they will give it. Don’t ask for advice from people who aren’t going to give you the right answer for you.

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– Post every aspect of your life on Facebook as a status update. Just don’t do it. Keep it natural and organic. And I suggest getting yourself a Twitter. So that I can effortlessly not follow you.

– Keep it all to yourself. It’s okay to lean on those who are close to you sometimes. It’s okay to ask for help and love and advice. It’s okay to occasionally swallow your price and rely on another human being. The human race can make anything happen. Use your resources and get shit done.

Confidence Boost

For when you’re feeling like you need a little boost… this is my list of shit to make you feel better about yourself. Explode your confidence this way. Every thing on my list works – proven through myself – tried & true.

1. Smile.

Smiling boosts confidence like nobody’s business! Smile the shit out of yourself. If you’re uncomfortable, do this as much as possible. Nobody wants to see you with a frown on your face. Definitely not flattering. Definitely does not show confidence, it shows sadness or uneasiness or boredom. Put your smile on (try not to fake it) and own a situation.

2. Head high, shoulders back, look people in the eye.

Giving direct eye contact gives you much stronger control. People will allow you to guide conversations and you will win. Avoid a power struggle because that makes people uncomfortable, also avoid staring at people because “deer in headlights” is a thing. Keep it non-verbal even, LISTENING is major.

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3. Stop apologizing

Somebody bumps into you, and you immediately say, “Sorry!” Ummm, what?! Why are YOU apologizing for a person who was not paying attention and bumped into you while you were at standstill. THEYYYY should be apologizing to you. This slight and extremely common “Sorry,” should stop.

4. Relax

Keep things light. Be very quick to laugh at yourself if you do something silly. Try not to laugh at somebody else’s expense. When you can really laugh at what you do, that shows confidence. I’m talking spilling food on your shirt and letting it happen – maybe put some food on the other side to make the stains match. 😉 Whateverrrrr.

5. Manners! Manners! Manners!

Saying “Please” and “Thank You!” are amongst the greatest words to keep in your vocabulary. People respect please’s and thank you’s more than you’ll ever know and it’s actually a mark of self-respect. I think it makes us feel better about ourselves to be gracious and feel cool. Treat others how you would like to be treated.

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6. Dress in a way that indicates your self worth. 

Looking well-dressed is MAJOR to me. Being well-dressed has nothing to do with $ or style. It has to do with what looks well on your body type and how you present yourself while wearing what you’re currently wearing. When you dress like a slut, you are a slut (proven). When you dress like a boss, you are a boss (proven). Let people see your confidence through your appearance as well as your body language and sense of self.

7. Expect others to believe in you!

OBVIOUSLY you’re amazing. You want everybody to know, see and truly appreciate your good qualities. When you expect people to know, the confidence just follows. Don’t fear others not knowing, don’t fear anybody’s opinion. When you present yourself or an idea/dream with excitement and you want others to believe in you – the confidence rolls right off your tongue.

Keeping confidence levels high is eminent to your success – so even if you have to fake it, use these tips until they become natural.

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