Contrast Please, No Comparison

dont-compare-pic1People only show you what they want you to see.

Social media, specifically Instagram is a mere glimpse into the life of an individual or business or brand. Some over-sharers give more than a glimpse but rather, a life story. And you want to unfollow so badly but you simply cannot because it’s just too damn good! Either way – what everybody views on Insta it’s not the whole story! Typically, it’s only the good good shit.. OBVIOUSLYYYYYYYY.

Everything we do is posted to Instagram. Like OMG – sooooo Instragram worthy. It’s moderately scary. I’m obsessed – I Insta all the time. However I’m trying to take a step back and understand why I do and realize that I need to relax.

Calm down BETCH, it’s just an App!

I totally get it – that your social reputation seems like the most important thing in the world. But legit – it’s not the instant trip to happiness, fulfillment, self satisfaction and approval. Isn’t that why famous people have so many issues?

Having hundreds of thousands of followers does not mean having hundreds of thousands of friends. OBVIOUSLY.

People upload the coolest things ever on Instagram – because why wouldn’t they?! The more likes you get the cooler you are right?! UM, I guess.

Regardless of what the photo is actually of – it is all that the viewers can actually see. (Unless they’re your BFF standing next to you OK-ing whichever dumb filter you chose, then they know – DUH!).

As I’ve said before, many people don’t actually care about your life, more often than not, they’re just curious. And they stick around just to check up on you – which is weird. These aren’t real friends, they’re “fake” friends.  Your real friends will always be the people laying by your side when you’re in an elevator shaft really drunk, or making you breakfast smoothies when it’s your turn to make breakfast smoothies, or throwing up in an Uber sitting next to you while you’re throwing up in an Uber (right in front of your place), or keeping you in check when you are way out of line.

So remember that shit!

Instagram is not real life. It is just an App.

Insta is just a person’s visual daily check in where they can connect and share the BEST things that are going on in their life with all of their closest friends followers. It’s honestly not an accurate perception of “real life” at all – this app really allows people to make a visually appealing graph, if you will. Ya just receive the bits & pieces – the juicy stuff.

You can “make believe” anything your heart desires via Instagram. Welcome to the land of make believe, people! Instagram = Disney?! Um…..questionable. But I can basically make you believe whatever I want – or at least make you question it. If I uploaded a photo of Bora Bora this weekend (besides my friends who know that I cannot afford plane tickets to Bora Bora) & the fact that I’m not there —- people would probably think I’m there. As long as a #tbt or #fbf isn’t listed in the photo – it’s believable, because it’s on Instagram.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? How fucking ridiculous is that? I would receive text messages, emails, comments and the like from people being like… “WTF, you’re in Bora Bora?!” “NO! I’m just testing out how flawed humanity is and you assholes all fell for it.” But I mean – it’s so simple. I’d get a bunch of likes on that shit too probs.

The point is that you can make your life out to seem something very different than it actually is.

Uploading an adorable photo of you and your boyfriend together sitting outside on the end of a boardwalk with your feet dangling off the end, happy as clams from Memorial Day Weekend —— does not take into account the fact that your boyfriend has been cheating on you for your entire relationship and is absolutely OK with that. He really loves you though, he promises. He told me. 😉

What I’m saying here is do NOT believe everything you see! Don’t compare their super cute Instagram / Facebook relationship to your relationship. Yours is better, anyway. They’re not as amazing and cute as they make themselves out to be. I mean, maybe they really are cute in that photo – and sure, yeah – sometimes in reality they are too. But not always. You only see what they’re willing to share. So don’t be jealous of that. Just accept it and move on. Right now, I want you to stop wishing you were that person, or wishing you had that, or wishing you were doing what that person is doing right now. Your life is going to get happier.

Instead of comparing everything I do or do not do to whomever (too many do’s) – I’m going to contrast it. I’m going to continue to live my own way and behave as I please. Let people think whatever they want to and not have feelings about that – shocking, NOBODY. But you should give it a shot too.

Remember this the next time you are scrolling through someone else’s feed thinking (as we are all guilty of doing by the way!!)

“I wish I had their life…”

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‘Grammin Play by Play

Instagram Posting Laws

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How often is too often? How do you want your top 9 to look? Top 9 isn’t a thing – I just want it to be – it’s basically the 9 photos that you can immediately see if you check on a person’s Instagram page on the graph mode (photo below).

Can’t post 2 selfies in a row. Or 2 food pics on a row. Or 2 of the same thing in a row. You need to create a nice balance.

Order of the 9 photos that are seen by everyone on your insta home page:

1. Random piece of furniture.
2. Selfie
3. Delicious/pretty looking food
4. Best friends doing something cool.
5. Scenery pic
6. TBT
7. Quote/words – (girls lol)
8. Dog
9. Somewhere I went with a geotag

follow me, silly!
follow me, silly!

WOMP. Basic bitch. See basics. Everything noted above is basic, LOL. #GUILTY! So basic Ash, SO. BASIC.

 

This is law for increasing likes: if you post a photo of a parent, your likes increase. Especially parents doing funny things. Like dad’s. Or grandparents –  they rule. If you post a photo of your dog, and you don’t do this daily, likes increase. Life event (engagement, graduation, job, other shit) likes increase. Cute baby that isn’t yours (or maybe is) that you also don’t upload daily (so people are excited to see it) increase. Hysterical meme of friend doing something ridiculous. Bonus points if it’s a guy. And if he’s not wearing a shirt.

Timing is everything. How you time a photo can be it’s make or break point. People open Instagram when they’re laying in bed in the morning, on lunchtime, after work and before bed. PRETTY MUCH ANYTIME, BUTTTTT BEST times to post: Weekdays: 545am12:45pm5pm,9pm. Weekends: 9am, 3-5pm.

Hashtags in the caption. Don’t do this with over 5 hashtags – it’s your hard limit. A few are okay. Bonus if they’re funny. And go well with what you’re saying. Minus points for spelling errors. And not capitalizing every new word #becauseidontalwaysknowwhatthismeansorwhenwordsendorbegin

See how annoying that is? If you absolutely MUST hashtag, do it in the comments.

How many filters on that shit betch? We know your skin doesn’t look that dull. Or that orange. So stop!

stop-it-2-650x0

Why is Kelvin even a thing? And if you use it, consider us no longer friends.
Yes, I base friendships off of Kelvin, it’s a unit of measure.

Your screenshot of iMessage convo isn’t funny. I’m sorry inside jokes are very difficult to get across on Instagram. If it’s not funny for everyone, your likes aren’t gonna be there. No recognition. Because even if I see your funny thing- which could be blatantly funny – I may not like it because I’m like “hmm what’s that about or who’s that about?” I’m too lazy to think about it and Im gonna scroll right by.

You already knew this I would imagine – I’m giving a quick refresher for all of the annoying posters on Instagram. MYSELF INCLUDED.

I know I could unfollow. But it’s not worth it because it’s just too funny to continue to follow people. Entertainment is what it’s all about and I like funny shit. I also like regular shit. Like uploading a picture of ugly ass shit because I mean… It’s funny.

Having a bad day? Bored? Obvi on Insta. Those moments are the reason we keep following those train wrecks. Nothing can perk your mood better than not double tapping a super ratchet selfie of a person you don’t know but wish you never found out existed (mostly bitches). There is hardly any quicker mood fix (aside from a cocktail or Adderall – but let’s be real, they’re not as easily accessible at your 9-5).

Hate someone? Want to hate them more? Stalk them from your friends page since they have already blocked you (they are also a hater). This can be detrimental to your health. Seeing that your life is way more tres chic is obvi a + (positive). When they do something cool that you kinda sorta wish you were doing (almost never), this is a – (negative). #InstagramSideEffectsAreREAL! 

Wondering where that guy that isn’t texting you back is? Good thing his friends non-chalantly (spelling ?) added you on Instagram that one time you met them. Because now you can peruse their Insta’s to see if he is in fact someone you should be wasting your cellular data on.

Otherwise, keep grammin and follow the rules.

xo

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GRAMMED, GRAMMIN!