Catcalling, Meow.

Catcalling. Don’t do this – and if you do, expect to receive VERY expressive, specific insults.

Fuck. You. Get away from me. I’m not interested in you. Shut your mouth immediately.

I once told an ex-boyfriend that I would pay for surgery to have his ribs removed so that he could suck his own dick because I’d never go anywhere near him again. (Unrelated, but I thought it would be a good point to add that in).

If you haven’t already, please meet reality TV personality & model Stassi Schroeder… the violent metaphors ❤


stassi 1

stassi 3

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 1 | Stassi’s Violent Metaphors.

The link is my absolute favorite compilation of “Stassi” moments.

…how many people do I know that have told me that I remind them of her? Resting bitch face is on point.

Being nicer is definitely in my near future. Great quote someone sent me recently –

“I try to be nice to everyone because what if they have a hot brother?”

But like…. Don’t whistle at me. Don’t beep your car horn at me while I’m running. Like what was your goal with that? Did you think your beep and yell out the window while at a traffic light would make me sprint on over to your car and flirt with you and get in your car and go home with you and we live happily ever after?! No?! Me NEITHER. That kills my vibe so don’t do it.

Catcalling is like so… 18th century. I almost want to take that statement back because I would 100% rather have a guy approach me face to face (a la 18th century) rather than message me on any form of social media. But an approach/inquiry/courtship is far different than a catcall.

I hate that it’s named after a cat. I don’t like cats. At all.

Singles Discrimination

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there yo. I don’t even know what that means but what I do know is that I’m annoyed. Because I’m discriminated against. It’s because I’M SINGLE.

I’m saying that I’m discriminated against….. because I’m single! Yes I said it twice because I don’t fucking understand this and I’m trying to figure it out. How messed up is that? Are you discriminating against me because you’re jealous of me? Ummmm…I guess I know. But like, really? It’s happened to me multiple times lately and I’m over it.

I can’t take the fact that I’m not taken seriously because I don’t have a significant other. Are you kidding me? Sorry I don’t need a man to make me whole. Maybe I do, but I just don’t have one at the current moment. So, sorry not sorry? It annoys me when I don’t get invited to do things because they’re known as “couples” things and the groups felt bad inviting me because I would feel out of place? Since when do you think I would feel out of place around anybody? #awkward

Why are we judged based on who we’re with? Like you’re not going to invite me to your wedding with a date because I don’t have a serious enough boyfriend for you? OK COOL, THANKS! So besides the true fact that I don’t have a serious boyfriend – you’re going to rub it into my face and make me show up somewhere (to your wedding) with not only not having a boyfriend and being surrounded with people who do have significant others and your new husband or wife, but that I don’t even have a shitty date by my side. That’s a real feel good moment for the singles. Ugh – annoying.

It’s also assumed that because I don’t have a serious enough boyfriend that I’m always down to party or that I’m constantly searching for a new boyfriend. So I do like to party but I don’t always like to party. I don’t search for boyfriends, but I’m always game for meeting new & interesting people. So let me ask you a question: CAN I LIVE?!

Why is it that I’m shunned from certain groups of people because they do things as “couples?” F that. When I do find my new boyfriend  (remain single for the rest of my life) I’ll call all of you guys up and invite you to do really amazing couples things with me. NOT.

I’m bitter, huh?

Ok, back to loving me. xo

Street Art in Paris ❤

Small Talk (haha) #LOL #LMAO how are you? #IDGAF

Small talk. No time for it.

Saying “hi.” Over it. I actually kind of hate this. How awful does this make me sound? Let me rephrase – I only hate it sometimes

I don’t get how or why people think that small talk is a way to get to know other people? OR that it is fun. Am I missing out on the big picture here? Should I be sucking up to people who I don’t even know? Should I be TRYING with every bit of everything I have?! If I already know you… and we aren’t really friends… but we’re acquaintanced (not real word, but I want it to be one) enough to feel the need to say hi to one another, but really have nothing to say besides hi or how are you? and nothing else…. WHY DO WE FUCKING SAY HI????????? WHY??????? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS CONCEPT.<run on, long-winded sentence, sorry ’bout it>.

Is it to be polite? To be nice? To go out of our way’s to act like we care? Just so I can say that I “saw” this person and spoke to them uncaringly (also not a word) for less than 14 seconds in passing and asked them how they were, they said good how are you and I responded back with “great.” I always respond with a “great” because I don’t really enjoy describing myself as good. I’ll describe pants as good. I’ll describe a cheeseburger as good. I’ll describe some pieces of clothing as “so. GOOD.” – this has total different meaning. As in, this is so fucking good that it doesn’t even need to have a better word to describe it because everyone should just KNOW how good it actually is. But for myself – even if I’m being super minimal with conversing because I don’t want to speak a word to you – like you’re a weird stranger trying to talk to me but you have a blowout and you also have acne and you get your eyebrows done and they’re THINNER than the girls who have thin eyebrows?! – I’ll even tell those types of people that I’m “great.” With no follow up question asking how they are, because I obviously do not care. “Great” just presents well.

But for those other people who I should potentially care to mention or converse with – I’ll definitely try to say “great” at the absolute minimum. And try my best to elaborate. I’m severely guilty of this. I have the awkward conversation that nobody really wants to have with people. So, it goes like this… “OMG HI! how are you? What have you been up to? How’s your family? And your boyfriend? Oh, you aren’t with him anymore?! SHOCKING. (I already knew this from Facebook, OBVIOUSLY!!!! because so does everybody else but I’m going to act so surprised and pretend like I don’t go on Facebook every morning…). But I’ll humor myself and continue this awful conversation and answer your dumb ass questions. Because I’m really nice polite.

Probably the WORST way this conversation goes is when I am ACTUALLY INTERESTED – like I for ONCE, actually give a shit. I’m intrigued by this person because I do like them (or once did) or I’m interested in what they have to say – and then they blabber a little bit because they’re hammered and then they ask about me and I say something back and ask them a question and they just laugh or walk away or don’t respond because they’re stupid or hammered or distracted because we’re out at a bar running into each other because I don’t run in to you to begin with because we aren’t friends, remember?! UGH. Life is weird.

“How are you?” It is a question that people are too busy to really want to listen to. Like If I were to reply “Not so well.” The person isn’t really expecting to sit there and want to listen to my problem. Therefore, it just annoys me that it is a dumb question to begin with.

I’ve started to NOT actually say hi to these types of people occasionally – I’m immediately bitchier than I already was. It’s just the nature of the beast – do what you want, get immediately judged.

One of the most rewarding things about leaving teenagehood behind  is not only the confidence to say “I don’t like that,” but the balls to decide I WON’T DO THAT! I hate saying “hi” (I was incredibly relieved today when an elementary school classmate did not recognize me in my winter scarf & hat, thus skirting the awkward hello’s), along with returning snap chats, cleaning out my overly messy car, responding to stupid emails & to texts that I have no interest in, pretending to love health food, cleaning up after myself. Finally I’m confident enough to say no, I won’t do these major ass paining things. 

Sometimes, to the complete opposite…. I go WAY TOO FAR out of my way. To make myself feel fan-fucking-tastic. To make the other person feel so uncomfortably awkward because I think it’s fucking hysterical.

Like I’ll make it an awkward point to go up to my ex-boyfriend’s EX & NEW girlfriend’s and introduce myself. Different occasions, obviously. Because for some delusional reason, I think it’s funny. Funny or not, it’s stupid. Completely pointless because IDactuallyGAF. I’m already avoiding conversation with the rest of the weirdos that are trying to buy me shots – which I may accept depending on which girlfriends I’m with – or may avoid and run for the restroom. Somehow it brings me some great feeling of joy to get under other people’s skin. Ha.

A friend of mine gave me a fantastic fragment of advice the other day. I need constant reminders to be an outwardly nice person because I tend to forget – sorry. It’s okay.

She started out by saying something like this… Answer questions with open-ended responses. When somebody asks you where you’re from, you can either answer it like you want to…. “Long Island.” OR you can answer it in a different, thought provoking way, where you don’t really change what you’ve said, but more so you change how you present it. “I grew up on the South Shore of Long Island, I’ve traveled a lot for work and now really like western Long Island, although I’d love to move to Manhattan. Where are you from? Are you familiar with Long Island?” Much different. Much better. Intriguing, thought-provoking answer to a boring question. Instead of a closed response that I wanted to answer with. Food for thought.

I have social anxiety sometimes so I’m happy if I get by with just a “hi” to these people IDGAF about. But if they continue with “how are you” it mildly kills me. OMG, don’t you have anything more exciting or interesting to say to me?! I can probably talk to you about some random things that are going on in my life that are somewhat cool or interesting. Or at least, funny awkward stories about my morning! THAT – or I do something even more awkward like start dancing and get the surrounding people to feel super uncomfortable because I’m having SO MUCH FUN! and won’t get out of your face. Or drop my entire Ketel & club with limes on your foot. Yup.

So if this post did it’s job effectively, nobody will even chance coming up to me the next time they see me out and I won’t have to say hi to anybody or grace them with my awkward string of questions. I’m also going to work on my 20 second elevator speech and let you guys know how that goes…