Does Anybody Else feel this way? Am I alone on this, or what?!

I legit do not know what I wanna do in my life. How dramatic of me but…Like – how do you know what you like or what you’re good at? I feel like I need to do my own thing. Which is what…? I do not know yet.

Everything will fall into place, eh? I guess so.

Ugh – I just don’t know. I’m currently in a weird stage where I feel like I’m trying to be something I’m not. But I don’t even know what I should be.

Do you ever feel like that?

Dreams of working in the city have come to life and I’m beyond grateful to hold a job in a creative & growing industry.  And network with people as well as be a part of something totally different than what I’m used to. I do feel like I should have done what I’m doing now, much earlier in my life. Now I’m 25 & I’m brand new somewhere.  SO here I go – facing the facts – I’m not going to be doing anything exciting or amazing yet…OBVIOUSLY. But I keep wondering to myself…when is the amazing stuff?!

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself or I’m having too high of expectations. I AM the new girl after all – but it’s because I’m displaced. When you experience a lot of success at a very young age (high level management at 22 years old- yeah, weird) – it is a strange feeling to accept a role that has a different status of responsibility- even if it means changing industries and getting my feet wet somewhere totally different.

I feel like I’m far behind the curve on many levels. Many of my peers are in relationships & getting married, having children and have great jobs that they’ve advanced in over the past 5+ years. And I’m just like alone and starting over and trying to be in NYC but idk if that is really even where I should be or what I should be doing. I feel legit so weird about myself right now. Like I know it’s exactly where I want to be and where I belong. But I’m doing it totally solo so I’m constantly imagining things being different. Like if I had a boyfriend I would hang out with him after work. (Do I even want that?) But instead I just get on the train and go home. Get home late. Wake up at 5:30AM and get back on the train for work. Rinse. Repeat.

This is what finding yourself is all about. If you think this is a complaint then get over yourself and click the X of this screen because it’s really just me thinking out loud and wondering if other people feel this way?

People I know are either tied down or exceptionally busy (SOML) and it makes me feel weird. I feel like a 22 year old stuck inside a 25 year old’s mentality. And it’s bizarre. I guess I’m going to keep dating until I find Prince Charming. Expect ridiculous stories to come from that shit as well. Literally haven’t even been going out in NYC which must change immediately so I can expand my social circle. Also drain my bank account (oof). I don’t know what to do at this point.

Make that money in the meantime, live well, travel often, spend enjoy time with friends, family & people you love as frequently as possible, shop a lot, look pretty. A bestie once told me that her goal is to never leave the house without looking like Blake Lively. That’s a pretty steep goal, but nonetheless a really exceptional goal. I’m going to try it ——– until it’s Monday morning at 6:00 am and I’m late because I didn’t wake up early enough & shitttttttt.

But, as I have always said:

“That’s the beauty of this life…”

…you can do whatever you want. Whenever you want. There are no rules.

Tiny Tea

If you know me AT ALL, you know that I’ll basically try anything once. Especially something that will “improve” my health. If it’s expensive? BRING IT TO ME, NOW. I’ve learned a few lessons with regard to expensive health treatments… $8,000 later. I’m in the same exact boat that I was last year plus 10 lbs. GREAT, Ash. Great.

Anyway – I’m obsessed with tea. Drink it every single day since I fake gave up on coffee. Which means I “stopped drinking it” – which REALLY means that I still drink it whenever I want, but I 99% of the time will always choose tea over coffee if I’m in a coffee shop. Unless coffee is the only option (and I need caffeine, or somebody is offering and I feel obligated). That’s how you fake give up on something.

Tiny Tea is an all-natural tea that also comes in Gluten Free – who knew tea even had gluten? but OK! They sell it in different packs – 14 day teatox for $35.00, 28 day teatox for $55. (I obviously used a coupon code to get a discount on this bad boy). Some people think I’m insane for spending that much $ on tea but they’re actually idiots because I know a Chinese man who spends over $800.00 on green tea that lasts him about a month. He’s CRAZY! But that tea sure is amazing – TRUST.

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The goal of the Tiny Teatox is to decrease bloating, detox your body and replenish your intestines back to their natural state. It claims to be great for energy, clear up your skin and an herbal cleanse without any laxative effect. You drink it 30 minutes before each meal. I drink a ton of tea so I didn’t really mind this at all. It kind of helps curb your appetite and it also tastes pretty normal which is a HUGE PLUS!

OBVI repping my “MALE TEARS” mug ❤ obsessed.

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Get OVER It.

I’ve literally told people to “Get Over It” from the moment I could speak. I need to “Get Over It” myself at times. The phases of a breakdown are very extreme. Everything is fine one moment and then the next it seems like the world is actually ending. No, actually. But here’s how you “Get Over It.”

#FBF if I've ever seen one. <3
#FBF if I’ve ever seen one. ❤

This is what goes on…

Freak the F Out

This step is so black and white. You need to get over your initial shock and anger and fear and upset feelings. You literally throw a temper tantrum and get it all out of your system. Sometimes you need to go for a run, CRY, drink a lot of wine, CRY, pout, frown, sing a song, CRY a little more. Whatever it is that you do – it needs to be done.

Come Down

Now it’s time to take a shower, light a candle, take off your makeup, put your feet up. You’ve actually got to calm yourself down and begin removing the stress from your life through meditative practice.

Wardrobe

Dress in all black so that your outfit matches your current state of “dark soul.” Maybe dark grey – maybe. Play it safe and stick with black. You did just have a very traumatic day, after all.

Find yourself, quickly!

Do something to make yourself feel a LOT better. I know it may be your “fault” or you possibly could have done the wrong thing somewhere along the line. Regardless of the situation, I think you should do something positive for yourself to realign the stars of happiness and positivity. This is probably where my shopping problem comes into serious effect. Have a bad day? Go shopping. Have a great day? Go shopping. Have an average day? Go shopping. Have a major freak out session and have no clue what to do, and you’ve been crying for like 3 hours? Get a green tea, go online shopping.

Get a plan together and begin to accept.

No matter what, whatever happened has already happened. It’s time to accept what happened and analyze why it happened. This is where you really learn from your mistakes or rather, your experiences. I don’t tend to think of the bad things that happen as mistakes. Everything happens for reasons in your life – sometimes they suck. But I believe it’s difficult to look back at the sucky situations and say that you have not learned something. I bet you have – even if it was to “never do that again.”

 

After that –

you should sit back and have a cocktail. STAT.

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The Cost of Life

Flat out – the price of being a female is much more than the pricetag of being a male. At least being a female like myself – active, healthy (mostly), likes to have fun, goes out far too much & is in her 20’s.

I’ve discovered that I really need to work on SAVING $$$. Saving money for my future. Saving money so that I can do all of the things that I really really REALLY want to do in my life.

Comparatively speaking, I’d say that since a young age, females are basically forced to spend more money on the daily than men are. This is simply due to the way of American society. Maintenance. 

If you’re a dude and you’re good looking, YOU’RE REALLY FUCKING BLESSED AND REALLY FUCKING GOOD LOOKING. 

If you’re a female and you’re good looking, you’ve got so many things that are taken into consideration – you’re good at doing make-up, your hair looks nice, your nails are clean & polished, your clothing looks nice, your skin looks great. Being that men don’t wear make-up, hardly do much to take care of their skin, shave (depending…) and their “hairstyle” usually takes under 1 minute to complete after getting out of the shower (debatable) – if they’re hot, they’re hot. Men have very little interference with their actual being of beauty. With that being said – if they’re good looking, they have really. got. it. going. on.

You know when you see celebrities on the cover of InTouch Magazine or OK! Magazine and they look absolutely heinous & awful?! Or the article is featured as “Celebs without Makeup – SHOCKING!” because they’re not as pretty as they’re made out to be. These articles are 99% of the time photos of women. Because 2013’s “Sexiest Man Alive” Adam Levine or Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew McConaughey & Ryan Gosling are just that good. They don’t need makeup to look better – they’re just that freakin’ HOT! Forget about coming from the perspective of a female thinking males are hot – I think females are “hot” too and I will 100% attest to the beauty/hotness/sexiness of any female that deserves it. But it definitely costs her a LOT more than it costs Adam Levine.

Consider the following: since puberty, females have had to spend $ on feminine hygiene products (EW, I know. But honestly – shit’s expensive!). Maintaining beauty is expensive. Make-up is expensive. I spend too much $ on make-up so I’m a different case, but whether you’re drugstore shopping or department store shopping for make-up, you’re still spending money here. Skin care products: face wash, body wash, acne? (if you’ve ever had it, I don’t know?) anti-aging products as you get a little older, under eye cream, moisturizer, toners, the list goes on and on. Hair products: Shampoo, Conditioner, Brush, blow dryer, straightener, curling iron/wand, hair cuts & hair color is $$$$. Razors / Waxing / Laser Hair Removal – $ / $$ / $$$$. MANICURES & PEDICURES! – at the absolute cheapest you’re doing this yourself ($7 Essie nail polish, nail file $.99, Base Coat $5, Top Coat $5) – you can use these several times, but likely you won’t so you’re total spend is $18. If you’re me, you get a manicure every week. $8 plus tip. You get pedicures every other week in the summer (sometimes more) $15-$18+ plus tip. And I buy my own nail polish all the time as well because I like to have it and sometimes I BYOB to the salon. More $. Females also spend ungodly amounts of money on accessories. (Bags, jewelry, scarves, other random items).

Shoes.

Clothing – because being seen in photos in the same outfit more than once is social. fucking. suicide. Trends in fashion and in other aspects of life (like food, health, working out) are followed on a much stronger level by females than males. Trends are expensive because they’re ever changing and growing into something new. New new new. Girls are constantly chasing the next new “IT” item.

So girls start this whole process at around the age of 11-12 (sometimes younger). Guys that do care about grooming & their presentation usually do not start this until they’re a bit older. So if you were a guy that cared about your clothes, your hair, your skin, your sneakers, etc., you probably started this process a little bit later in life like late middle school or early high school. At this point, your parents were likely supporting you and taking care of whatever you may have wanted or needed. Not saying that females don’t have this going on because they do, but there’s MUCH MORE to take into consideration here.

As I matured, I wanted specific things. My parents would basically tell me, “No Ash, you don’t need this new shirt you just got a new shirt last weekend. No you don’t need another pair of shoes because you already have 17 pairs in your closet and only wear 3 of them. No, you don’t need to try that makeup because you’re a beautiful young lady and shouldn’t be spending money on makeup anyway!” Thanks Bobby & Judy, but I want those things anyway so I guess I’ll get a job and spend the money that I make on the extra things that I want and don’t need so that way I don’t have to hear you complain about things that I want. K?! Great. NOT!

Now, I’ve developed this really awful habit of working an excess amount to have an excess amount of $ so that I can spend it on excess things that I want. I’ve carried this process through for far too long.  I bet this gives mixed feelings for many – I don’t care though. Maybe some people were better at saving money than I was because they didn’t care about things that I cared about? Maybe they were better at saving because their parents didn’t allow them to spend their money on things they wanted? Or their parents just bought them whatever they wanted? They were better about saving because they weren’t addicted to fashion/trends/being a fly betch?

For me – it’s a never ending cycle. This process has spiraled into how I live today – not really enough money in my savings account for my “later-in-life” goals (working on it though —- my later in life goals are unreal as you could possibly imagine…). But I do have a really great outfit for tomorrow night along with fabulous plans for tomorrow night & next weekend Wednesday.

high maintenance

UGH it’s expensive being a betch.

My Fabulous Life Living with “the D”

Some of you may know and many of you may not know that I’m a Type 1 Diabetic.

joey

I was diagnosed at 14 years old.  For 10+ years, I’ve been dealing with #diabeticprobs. Since the day I was diagnosed, I promised myself that I would not let Type 1 Diabetes run my life and that I would own it and run it and do what I wanted. Ups & downs, high’s & low’s, crazy betch behavior followed by wild exhaustion. I blame it all on the big fat D.

Many people would actually never guess that I have a serious disease, because of my ability to act so “normal” LMAO and conceal my robo-girl lifestyle. I wear an Omnipod insulin pump and a pink, obv Dexcom Continuous Glucose Monitor. So at any given time, expect to find me with 1-2 small white devices underneath my shirt on my stomach or on the small of my back.

I’m not saying the way I live is right, but it’s what I do and who I am. I’m not a perfect diabetic but I’m basically a perfect human so — let me live. Maybe I drink too much. Maybe I eat too much/improperly sometimes. I’m a work in progress – along with this progress comes many, very insane stories. Every once in awhile I’m going to feature some of my awkward & hysterical, yet serious life stories about my life with diabetes.

perfect