How To Break Your Own Heart

So I’ve done quite a bit of “how-to’s” on this blog, but this one is quite a bit – well… Different.

I received a message from one of my BFFs about a month ago telling me some big “news.” And NO, that it wasn’t her engagement, that in fact it was the total effing opposite. She was leaving. Picking up her fabulous life and turning it completely upside down. Ending the relationship, leaving her job and leaving her city. I was shocked, yet I knew she knew exactly what she was doing.  She’s one of the most intelligent and self-aware people I’ve met in this world. And so strong. Strength I’ve rarely seen before especially in my peers, especially in 20 & 30 something’s.

After thinking about this over and over again, I realized she was doing what many of us find so intimidating and nearly impossible to do. Being afraid of getting our heart broken and even breaking another person’s heart is both frightening and intimidating. Love is such a strong emotion that ending or breaking is not an easy part of it – no matter how well you plan for it. But here she is, a beautiful, awesome, powerful and intelligent girl who loves harder than most I know – doing it to herself.

Breaking her own heart. For the better of her relationship and their lives going forward. Doing it FOR herself. By her own will and merit.

Are you in a relationship or workplace or friendship or anything that you need to step away from?

Find something. Deep within yourself. Find the strength to pick up and release yourself. It doesn’t need to be dramatic. No need for the applause or the social media presence. It doesn’t mean you need to cut all ties or end something in a hurtful way. You can just move on by yourself. Find the way. (Find your true north! #Wanderlust).

Maybe it’s the complete opposite for you – maybe it’s getting back into something. For example: You love doing ActivityX but your current life doesn’t allow for time to do ActivityX. You’ve got to make the time for ActivityX. You be X. Nobody else will do X for you. Nobody else will do shit for you for that matter. It’s you and you. Control is what we’re after here. Set some goals. Create a timeline and move it. Control your own aspirations, your own goals and your own feelings. Take control of yourself and your future, even if you have to break your own heart while doing so.

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Forewarning Does NOT Make it OKAY!

Apologizing for how you are and thinking it’s okay just because you gave a forewarning is THE WORST quality to have while in a relationship. Like — you’re not exempt from general relationship rules because you suck at life. And you know it. Just because you announced it ahead of time does not make it acceptable.

“Announcing that you’re going to behave badly, doesn’t make it okay to behave badly. – Lena Dunham”

It’s NOT okay at all. A frequent conversation goes a little something like this…

Female: I don’t understand why you’re acting strange /don’t want to be with me. I can’t do this anymore.

Male: I told you from the beginning I didn’t want a “serious relationship.”

Female: Yeah, I didn’t want a serious relationship either at first… But then we became so much closer and we’ve been “together” for months. Doesn’t it seem like we should be in a secure relationship instead of guessing all the time?

Male: I told you I was going to hurt you if you got close to me. I don’t know what else to tell you. Sigh.

UMMMMM…. WHAT?

Thanks for the forewarning, psycho. Who do you think you are… a……..dundundun…. GIRL?! No. You’re not. So decide what you want. Or at least, if you don’t want to be with the girl – tell her straight up. Give her a reason. Better yet, think of 3 solid reasons why! I use 3 because I’ve always been told 3 examples is a solid rule of thumb to prove a point – basic elementary school, right?…. uhhh?

GUYS – Think about the real reasons why you don’t want to be with this female and tell her. It’s probably going to hurt her feelings (a little bit) and it may even make you feel like shit (for a little bit) – but I think it’s much better form than saying some bogus, bullshit excuse like, “I told you before that I’m not good at relationships.”

Better Example:

Female: I don’t understand why you don’t want to be with me…?

Male: I told you I wasn’t sure how I would be in a relationship and honestly I’m still not ready for that with you. I’m not where I want to be in my career. I’m looking for work in a different city which may cause me to move, so I don’t feel comfortable getting into a deeper relationship with you at this time in my life. I hope you understand and I don’t want to continue to string you along. I also don’t like your cats.

Female: K, thanks for letting me know. F you though, my cats rule. Bye!

End. Done. Clean break.

P.S. I’m not a cat lady but I thought the cats would be funny to incorporate. I think I was wrong.

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photo credit: @crimebydesign

 

The Cool Girl

You’re so easy going. You’re so fucking cool. You let things go because you’re not phased by the small shit. You have your shit together. You have a job that you “like” for the most part, and at least you’re making money. You surround yourself with people you love. You support yourself. You support and love the people around you. You get it. You’re inspirational. You’re willing to learn and grow. You’re single. You’re ready to be in an amazing relationship with a really awesome person except you’re unsure of yourself. You have nothing holding you back. Except yourself. Because you in fact, are: the cool girl.

The cool girl does really well in the beginning of a relationship. She does superb. She’s accepted so easily. She’s easily obsessed over because she established herself as the most amazing thing on this earth. She makes others feel at ease in her presence. She can hang in any situation with mostly any group of people. She treats others well, she can laugh at herself and she loves to laugh. She’s outgoing but not outlandish or outspoken. She listens when others speak. She says what she has to say. Says what she means but doesn’t say it mean. She’s rarely a bitch. She’s rarely “pissed off.” She’s genuine, you’d never really call her super nice, but she’s not mean at all. She’s cool.

This girl, my friends gets taken advantage of by men the most.

Girls who don’t give a fuck about men, get chased. Girls who care too much about men, get left behind. Girls who are cool, get mind fucked. On the regular. And suffer complete and utter relationship travesty.

The cool girl is at peace with the bro’s. She’s one with them. She gets it when the guys are having guy time. She lets them hang. She does her own thing. She hangs. She handles situations well. She’s not afraid to challenge a man. Or anyone. She does not fear telling other people how it is. She does not back down. She lets her guard down often enough. She eventually allows people into her life. She welcomes change. She loves her surroundings, and when she doesn’t – she changes. She’s the type of girl who hates the faux pax of doing girl things, but loves to do them anyway.

Cool girl gets played. She needs to stop. Stop trying to be the cool girl. It comes back and bites her. Cool girl gets judged, HARD. As soon as the cool girl reacts to something that her S.O. does in a negative way, she suddenly becomes the psycho girl. I’m talking a real reaction. It could be negative, could be positive, could be a little flustered, could be a normal as anything reaction. But since cool girl doesn’t make a big deal out of things, once she does – she’s immediately deemed psycho girl. Or she’s judged – like OMG why is she getting so worked up over this, it’s sooooo not a big deal.

Um, actually yes it is a big deal! “Cool guy” just isn’t used to cool girl reacting to things because she’s so fucking cool that she doesn’t need to react. So then, once she does react, “cool guy” feels entitled to judge cool girl on her less-than-regular reaction. And cool girl melts, because people she cares about are making her feel like she’s not the cool girl. When in reality she is still Miss Cool Girl. She needs to still be the cool girl, keep the cool girl confidence and let it go. When people can’t handle the cool girl, she must let them go. Only some people can handle her. Until then, cool girl should pour herself a glass of champagne and continue being cool, just not as cool to the uncool guy.

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Dad ❤️

This week has been eye opening. I’m thankful. I’m confused. I’m content. I’m scared. I’m crying. I’m relieved. I have no idea what to do and I’m not okay with that, yet I’m completely okay with being in the unknown. I’m at peace and the peace is lasting for the longest time that it has in a very long time.

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Saturday, November 8, 2014 I lost my father to multiple myeloma (link for details). It was an excruciating and long battle – lots of downs and back ups and back down agains. Lots of laughs, lots of cries. All memories of moments that I will cherish forever.  After years of observation, I’ve found that often times, girls have a sense of comfort with their dad’s and love to be “daddy’s little girl.” I loved that and will continue to be that forever. My relationship with dad had moved beyond that though. We were best friends. Always kept an honesty policy with each other and never failed to tell the truth no matter how harsh.  Because we had moved on toward the realness of life and death – we spoke about everything. The real shit that not all father/daughters have to embrace together. The realness that I honestly don’t wish father/daughters have to cope with together until far later on in life because it sucks. But it grows you. And I highly recommend it. I’ve covered my eyes. I’ve cried with him, over him and for him. I’ve held myself strong to show him that it would be okay when he was eventually gone and that I would be OK. I’m not in a place to feel OK, but I do feel OK. I sometimes like to scream a lot or over share – hence my blog. Dad was a sharer – an over sharer, for def sure. I’ve never met another person in my life that was more self-centered than my dad. Self-centered in the best possible way – just LOVED to chat. About himself – about other people – he loved to ask questions. So much so that it would be difficult to get him to keep it quiet in mostly any circumstance. Regardless of what he had to say – it was always meaningful. There was always a lesson behind each story. I say “stories” because I never knew if they were actually true…

Keeping myself busy with as many positive things as I possibly can at this point. To spread the love and continue on the legacy of how awesome my Dad was – I’m going to contribute a few different public work projects in the world. Things that people like. Things that benefit all types of people – no discrimination ever. Because regardless of the way a person acts, looks or presents themselves — you never quite know who they are. Unless you ask. And you listen.

Click HERE to Donate to my Robert Byrd Memorial Fund ❤ 

Consider donating to a fundraiser that I will continue to host and contribute fresh pieces to public spaces that all people can enjoy and love. Love first.

xo

Let Go

Here’s my question for today: Should I completely hide how I feel about something just to save face?

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I want to tell you a few things about my life. I don’t take things easily but I am very easily detached. I’m a person who is known for being totally “crazy” because love and life makes me act crazy. I feel like many people can relate to this. And if love especially doesn’t make you act crazy, then you’ve never loved as hard as I have. It’s not your fault, it’s just a character flaw. Ha 🙂

It’s times like this where I really miss Talia, my therapist. She mastered simple chic and she was pleasant and skinny and really just kept me grounded & stable. She made me think it was OK to cry, that sometimes I was right about things and not psycho, and sometimes I was wrong, but still not psycho. She applauded the simple things I took for granted. She led me to think about how to be happier, while feeling less guilty. And she never really gave a fuck about all the shit I admitted to her that I thought was the end of the world. She was cool. She made me cry a bunch, but I like to cry. Aside from how awful my eyes look afterwards, I feel healthy after a good cry. Maybe it’s a comfort zone. Anyway, Talia I miss you and I wish my life wasn’t so insane that we could hang out every Wednesday morning.

Setting standards for yourself is a difficult task, but an attainable one at that. 

One thing Talia told me that has always stuck with me is that I am worth it. I’m worth a lot and people will follow suit with regard to how they treat me based on how I treat myself. At first I thought this was a really selfish thing to do. Then I realized I wanted new Loub’s and a new Gucci bag so I bought them for myself. This was wrong. She got pissed but they are both very beautiful, so it’s obviously a work in progress. Still working – I haven’t purchased a luxury item in 8 months. Which is MAJOR for me. I may be lying, but if I am it’s because I’ve forgotten about it, shoot me. Back to being worth it….

If I treat myself well, I value my time – (it’s worth a lot) then others should treat me well by association. Feelings by association?! When my feelings of joy/sadness/uncomfortableness(word?) are normal & ok, then others around me should follow in my footsteps. I started removing things from my life that destroyed me. Little by little. I felt well for the first time in a very long time. I was rather happy being myself, growing myself and being content on my own. I wasn’t lonely and I was really loving what I was accomplishing. Things started to fall into place, one by one. Even though I was still a complete & total mess and anybody really close to me totally knew it…Life was great.

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Until things started to creep back into my life because I let my guard down. Things that were not positively serving me. People, places and behaviors that I was allowing to bring me down to their level. Again. I was writing much less – huge therapy for me. I was partying more, letting my health and wellness take a back seat. My values and happiness had gone astray. Thank god I know what they are now and that I can get back in control and take the reigns for myself. It all starts by taking a deep breath and letting go. Here’s to that. Cheers to that. Letting go. 

Confidence Boost

For when you’re feeling like you need a little boost… this is my list of shit to make you feel better about yourself. Explode your confidence this way. Every thing on my list works – proven through myself – tried & true.

1. Smile.

Smiling boosts confidence like nobody’s business! Smile the shit out of yourself. If you’re uncomfortable, do this as much as possible. Nobody wants to see you with a frown on your face. Definitely not flattering. Definitely does not show confidence, it shows sadness or uneasiness or boredom. Put your smile on (try not to fake it) and own a situation.

2. Head high, shoulders back, look people in the eye.

Giving direct eye contact gives you much stronger control. People will allow you to guide conversations and you will win. Avoid a power struggle because that makes people uncomfortable, also avoid staring at people because “deer in headlights” is a thing. Keep it non-verbal even, LISTENING is major.

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3. Stop apologizing

Somebody bumps into you, and you immediately say, “Sorry!” Ummm, what?! Why are YOU apologizing for a person who was not paying attention and bumped into you while you were at standstill. THEYYYY should be apologizing to you. This slight and extremely common “Sorry,” should stop.

4. Relax

Keep things light. Be very quick to laugh at yourself if you do something silly. Try not to laugh at somebody else’s expense. When you can really laugh at what you do, that shows confidence. I’m talking spilling food on your shirt and letting it happen – maybe put some food on the other side to make the stains match. 😉 Whateverrrrr.

5. Manners! Manners! Manners!

Saying “Please” and “Thank You!” are amongst the greatest words to keep in your vocabulary. People respect please’s and thank you’s more than you’ll ever know and it’s actually a mark of self-respect. I think it makes us feel better about ourselves to be gracious and feel cool. Treat others how you would like to be treated.

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6. Dress in a way that indicates your self worth. 

Looking well-dressed is MAJOR to me. Being well-dressed has nothing to do with $ or style. It has to do with what looks well on your body type and how you present yourself while wearing what you’re currently wearing. When you dress like a slut, you are a slut (proven). When you dress like a boss, you are a boss (proven). Let people see your confidence through your appearance as well as your body language and sense of self.

7. Expect others to believe in you!

OBVIOUSLY you’re amazing. You want everybody to know, see and truly appreciate your good qualities. When you expect people to know, the confidence just follows. Don’t fear others not knowing, don’t fear anybody’s opinion. When you present yourself or an idea/dream with excitement and you want others to believe in you – the confidence rolls right off your tongue.

Keeping confidence levels high is eminent to your success – so even if you have to fake it, use these tips until they become natural.

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MALE THOUGHTS…

Relationships involving young people, specifically the behaviors and misbehaviors of people while in relationships fascinates me. I’m always digging for information from couples. Constantly asking questions and wondering why people behave the way they do. First impressions are major, what do you think?!

First impressions that I get from guys will totally deem if I will want to speak to them, be a friend, be a more-than-friend. Do guys think the same way? This thought made me quickly jump to find out the workings of a male brain that just may be very similar to my own…

5 Things Men Want to Know about Women from the Second they See/Meet Her…

(Like what goes through their brains…) Why do they ask you the most awkward questions? How does the male brain work and in what order of importance are questions? What do they want to know? How does it matter?

Originally I thought that this immediately removes the appearance category because you already saw her and you’re already attracted… like you’re going in for your 1st move… what are the moves.. what is the order of the thought process? I’m thinking something like 1. Who is this girl? 2. What is her name? 3. Are there males around you? 4. Are you single? 5. Who are you here with?

I’m wrong. Here’s how it goes… FROM MALE PERSPECTIVE. 

1. What do you look like naked/what the sex is like?

“The attraction is so physical at this stage that most of these things will be shading towards the shallow, selfish level.”

2. Is this bitch crazy? Am I getting into something that I’m immediately going to regret?

3. What’s her status? Is she single, dating, serious relationship, engaged, or married?

4. Can this broad (side note: ew) carry on a cogent conversation or am I taking to nothing more than a pair of tits and an ass?

This is especially important and the quality/content the conversation says a lot. Name, where you’re from, what you do is important, but there better be more than that. Keep it fun and interesting. Don’t be timid and shy. Break my balls about something. A good ball-breaker is a catch…unless she falls in the latter on many of these things.

5. What does she do for a living?

I think this is probably a bigger one than most people think. If I’m talking to someone whose daddy gives her everything, code red alert and evacuate quickly unless you’re just looking for a lay. I’m not trying to be their next daddy.

This probably ties into the “is this bitch crazy” thought, but I also think men want to know what their history is. Not sexual, but relationships and the like. Probably not something you ask right away, but the thought crosses your mind. If it’s just a “how quick can I get her in bed” thing, probably the first and second thing I mentioned hold precedent.

So, there you have it ladies – this is what he thinks when he first lays eyes on you. Such a treat, really.

Friend Zoned

Hey FZ guy! This is you, Mr. Friend Zone. Mr. I have girls that are friends, but never girlfriends. Mr. Play-It-Safe. Mr. Nobody Will Date Me. Mr. Niceguy. Mr. We’re Just Friends.

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What the F are you doing wrong?! Why are you in friend zone?

What you don’t know is that you’re already doing so much right… because friend zoned guys always get noticed, eventually…

Your ultimate roadblock is timing. Because right now, you’re NOT IT. One day though. You’ll be thankful in the long run and end up with a girl who is way more worth it than every girl who ever FZ’d you.

Many of you know what friend zone entails. The sometimes sad truth of friend zone is that this guy is super nice – generally pretty awesome and def somebody you enjoy being around for extended periods of time. Sounds great, right?

Wrong. The kicker is that this guy is not somebody that you’re even remotely interested in. Beginning a relationship with this dude romantically is NOT in the cards. Not yet, at least.

There is something about you, guy – that just does.  not.  do.  it.  for.  me.

One or More Characteristics Leads You to this Position:

Unattractiveness

Bad teeth, bad breath, overweight, underweight, poor attitude, weird smell, too short, bad hair. Sorryyy but these are all real time reasons as to why I wouldn’t like you that much. This sounds bad but I cannot lie.

Napoleon Complex 
Your personality is TREMENDOUS (and rather annoying) to make up for your less than average stature. AKA you have a little penis. Now I’m not saying I have never or will never, but I’m just saying… it’s a thing.

While in reality this could be 1 small factor, I’ll still hang on to it so so much and never let it go. Like I won’t even consider the 25+ good qualities you have if something is sticking out at me too far (or not far enough!).

Lack of Ambition

Come on, dude. Yeah – it’s great that your parents pay for everything for you. It’s NOT great that you live at home, you completely rely on your parents and you have no plans to begin your own life.

Age & Maturity or Immaturity Level 

I’ve heard you say you do not care, but FZ bro, it’s time to face the facts. You do care.  You care a lot actually and you go out of your way to tell people you don’t care. If you truly did not care, there would be no need to bring it up or put it on blast. So stop saying it – because you care. You’re practically obsessed. Obsessed with the fact that you are Friend Zoned.

Or everything is a joke. Like you need to be a little bit serious a little bit of the time. Another major friend zone reason. Man up, boy!

You can’t figure it out – I can’t even figure it out. I’m here to tell you to stop trying to figure it out.

Height , weight, race, socioeconomic background. These are all superficial but I  think they’re all honest reasons that women definitely think but don’t really speak of. And women definitely do not tell these reasons to the FZ guy to save hurting his feelings.

“I could never date a _________ guy.” or “I could never date a guy with ____________.” People have hard limits that they set for themselves. Everyone’s are different. “He’s too _________,” “He’s not enough ___________.” “I only date ___________ guys.”

FZ guys – I wish you the best of luck. I’m not sure how to make it happen but let me know when you figure it out.

My advice to you – quit the girl you’re trying for. Try for a new girl. You’re likely to get a reaction from both. 

 

 

The Art of Text Messaging

How long does it take you to respond to a text sometimes? You stare and read, re-read, screenshot, ask for help… think some more.

 

 

 

FINALLY, press “Send.”

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And the idiot you sent it to STILL does not understand exactly what you meant. You failed at getting your point across correctly. Tone is not conveyed through a text. And that sucks. Especially for an overly expressive individual like myself.

Verbiage/Text

OK, so – if you’re planning on texting me in incomplete sentences that are not specific abbreviations or current/relevant words, YOU’RE OUT.

“Imma b @ da beach. How boutchu mamii?”

UMMMMMMMM… wait. Excuse me? How do you survive in society? Don’t ever send me a a text again. I don’t understand your 1990’s style of ghetto texting. Actually reminds me of that commercial with the dad saying shit like “mad cool” or “fresh” or something gross. You can only get away with that if you have swagger. Or if you’re very funny. Even then, it’s questionable. Highly unlikely.

This is the EXACT moment when you turn on your “Read Receipts” and “forget to answer” for a few days. He’ll know. Obvi – IGNORED. Obvi- get outta here. You know I’m not texting you back and you also now know why.

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This post originally started off as a guest blog, but I have so much to say so it changed to a collaborative post featuring:

a dear friend and fellow “Queen Betch of Awkward Moments” Kelly Nolan (@kellynonoo).

What Can Go So Horribly Wrong When Texting:

What this world is missing is a Webster’s Dictionary for text message responses that can lead to complete awk-ness and mixed signals.

Let me start with my least fav, the “k”.

As the world has evolved to what it is in 2014, so has the “k”. There is now capital k, “K” and lower case k, “k” and if you’re me, you will literally respond to people as “k, capital” or “k, lowercase”.

Here’s the deal: The capital K is more of a hateful response. Like, once you receive that you should feel like you just got shanked. The lowercase k is more of a lazy response – it’s like you want to reply, but the “O” is just a stretch above that “k” and then adding the “a-y”, no way – you’d be too exhausted.

Next, let us discuss the period.

I’m all about the grammar life so like, use them at the end of a proper sentence.  Don’t be sending random periods! It messes with both standard English and people’s emotions.  If you’re sending a bitchy period that tells me that you, in fact have your period. Or if you’re a guy, a mangina and that’s what’s happening here. If you send multiple periods then you’re also very wrong. You look impatient, like your life is just depending on that person to answer.  Pathetic-ness will be sent right along with that text. So, it’s for your best interest to stay away from those dots.

Last but not least is the oh so popular “lol”.

While “lol” is an easy go-to response for just about anything and everything, it is about 77% of the time a lie. Are you really “laughing out loud” when you send that text? When you’re in the bathroom or on line at the grocery store or at work on lunch with your co-workers around are you really laughing out loud for all to hear?

My other issue with the “lol” is that it has become such an easy response that we tend to use it even when things aren’t funny. This also leads to mixed messages! You’re either giving someone far too much credit by making them think they are funny when they are not… OR you’re just hyping up someone who’s already cocky and knows they are funny. So unless you are laying on the floor laughing out loud —try to refrain. And if you are well then hell, we should bring back ROTFLOL.

So betches, all I ask of you is to PLEASE stop and think about what you’re texting. Whether you see it or not you could be ruining relationships, your own life, etc. Keep calm and keep loving Ashley Byrd XO Kelly No