The Art of Text Messaging

How long does it take you to respond to a text sometimes? You stare and read, re-read, screenshot, ask for help… think some more.

 

 

 

FINALLY, press “Send.”

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And the idiot you sent it to STILL does not understand exactly what you meant. You failed at getting your point across correctly. Tone is not conveyed through a text. And that sucks. Especially for an overly expressive individual like myself.

Verbiage/Text

OK, so – if you’re planning on texting me in incomplete sentences that are not specific abbreviations or current/relevant words, YOU’RE OUT.

“Imma b @ da beach. How boutchu mamii?”

UMMMMMMMM… wait. Excuse me? How do you survive in society? Don’t ever send me a a text again. I don’t understand your 1990’s style of ghetto texting. Actually reminds me of that commercial with the dad saying shit like “mad cool” or “fresh” or something gross. You can only get away with that if you have swagger. Or if you’re very funny. Even then, it’s questionable. Highly unlikely.

This is the EXACT moment when you turn on your “Read Receipts” and “forget to answer” for a few days. He’ll know. Obvi – IGNORED. Obvi- get outta here. You know I’m not texting you back and you also now know why.

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This post originally started off as a guest blog, but I have so much to say so it changed to a collaborative post featuring:

a dear friend and fellow “Queen Betch of Awkward Moments” Kelly Nolan (@kellynonoo).

What Can Go So Horribly Wrong When Texting:

What this world is missing is a Webster’s Dictionary for text message responses that can lead to complete awk-ness and mixed signals.

Let me start with my least fav, the “k”.

As the world has evolved to what it is in 2014, so has the “k”. There is now capital k, “K” and lower case k, “k” and if you’re me, you will literally respond to people as “k, capital” or “k, lowercase”.

Here’s the deal: The capital K is more of a hateful response. Like, once you receive that you should feel like you just got shanked. The lowercase k is more of a lazy response – it’s like you want to reply, but the “O” is just a stretch above that “k” and then adding the “a-y”, no way – you’d be too exhausted.

Next, let us discuss the period.

I’m all about the grammar life so like, use them at the end of a proper sentence.  Don’t be sending random periods! It messes with both standard English and people’s emotions.  If you’re sending a bitchy period that tells me that you, in fact have your period. Or if you’re a guy, a mangina and that’s what’s happening here. If you send multiple periods then you’re also very wrong. You look impatient, like your life is just depending on that person to answer.  Pathetic-ness will be sent right along with that text. So, it’s for your best interest to stay away from those dots.

Last but not least is the oh so popular “lol”.

While “lol” is an easy go-to response for just about anything and everything, it is about 77% of the time a lie. Are you really “laughing out loud” when you send that text? When you’re in the bathroom or on line at the grocery store or at work on lunch with your co-workers around are you really laughing out loud for all to hear?

My other issue with the “lol” is that it has become such an easy response that we tend to use it even when things aren’t funny. This also leads to mixed messages! You’re either giving someone far too much credit by making them think they are funny when they are not… OR you’re just hyping up someone who’s already cocky and knows they are funny. So unless you are laying on the floor laughing out loud —try to refrain. And if you are well then hell, we should bring back ROTFLOL.

So betches, all I ask of you is to PLEASE stop and think about what you’re texting. Whether you see it or not you could be ruining relationships, your own life, etc. Keep calm and keep loving Ashley Byrd XO Kelly No

Monkey See, Monkey Do. BYE MONKEY.

If Everyone is Doing IT – WHY are we Not OVER IT, yet? 

Personally speaking (as if I ever speak non-personally) – I don’t like things that “the masses” like. Except pizza.

pizza pizza.

I’ve never had a Pandora bracelet, never owned an MK watch (OK, there was that one I received as a gift from an ex and returned – SORRY, Bradley!). I never fell into the Alex and Ani trend (though I do have 1 – gifted, obv and I suppose it’s sorta meaningful at least) and I NEVER wear it. I keep it out for show – in my messy room…

I’m not talking fashion trends – DUH! I obviously participate in those if I like them. I’m talking worldwide, phenomena trends where shit is soooooo accessible that water is a more difficult commodity to attain.

What I’m talking about is a perfectly prepared @Instagram photo.

Why are we not over the fact that people literally put things in specific, unnatural positions to take pictures of them?!?! Just to get “likes” ❤ on them? I’m not talking a detail shot – that’s totes normal. I’m not talking an amazingly beautiful backdrop. I’m talking like setting up a pair of shoes, next to a glass of champagne and a magazine, and your gorgeous new Cartier bracelet. That is fucking weird… because although you can argue that all of those things “go together,” THEY JUST DON’T… and furthermore, why are you positioning all of them together to photograph them to share on your Instagram? Are you a magazine? No, you’re a regular person. And I’m over you. Bye.

Shoes. Flowers. Books. I mean…… c'mon.
Shoes. Flowers. Books. I mean…… c’mon.

 

Great Skyline Background. Purse. Champagne. Magazine. Yeah, because that's very normal.
Great Skyline Background. Purse. Champagne. Magazine. Yeah, because that’s very believable.

I’m just very over this. It’s verrrrrrrry fashion blogger. I guess I follow too many of them, that’s why I’m over it. But like – get a grip. It’s not real. It’s all fake life. I’m done with this rant. ❤

*All photos from a random Twitter handle that I forgot (from very long ago, may not even exist anymore!) sorry for non-creds!

Watches

Transitioning…

I wanted a very plain gold watch. So after avidly searching online (about 3 hours and the opinion of a straight guy who could totally care less…) I found this Nixon Metal Time Teller watch.

nixon watch

Nixon is kinda “surfer” – not exactly my “style” – but what exactly is my style? What is style at all? Anything you want it to be!

There is such an actual NEED and DESIRE in my life for “different” watches. I’m talking something at a great price point that isn’t so “tat”-y like DKNY, or Michael Kors. Obviously – done. Everyone has that so I’m always searching for something different. Re-inventing the wheel or in this case “re-inventing the watch” has been done, there’s all types of weird shit out there… I mean – how much different can you make a timepiece look?

But I’m looking for something just different in a sense that isn’t as pricey as Rolex, Audemars, Michele, Cartier, Montblanc. Because I’m not loaded even though I sometimes act like I am. I also sometimes act like a ratchety broke-ass. Ahem.

And the real reason that I wrote this post about watches is because my Michele has been at the manufacturer being fixed/polished and it’s been there for like 3 weeks which is far too long and I needed something else…

Put on a watch, it will change your entire persona, guaranteed!

nixon watch

 

Simple is really what it’s all about. And then I do shit like this…Not simple. AT. ALL. oops.

 

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Yumi Kim Bracelet, Nixon Time Teller Watch, kate space bracelet

Decoding The Lies!

Decoding the language of modern relationships.

Here ya go guys, I’m here to give you the “literal meanings” behind what people are saying to you. They’re reasons and excuses – excuses often times get a bad rep. This is because excuses are merely lies. There are things that betches say to cover up our true feelings or “the real reasons.”

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For example:

“I don’t want to be in a relationship.”

Real meaning: I just don’t want to be in a relationship with YOU. If somebody else comes along that I really like or that I can get away with more shit with, then I’m definitely going to date them, OK? I’m just trying not to make you feel bad. But in the meantime, I’ll still hang out with you, string you along and continue to have sex with you because it’s easy and convenient.

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“We didn’t work out because of bad timing.”

Real meaning: He had a girlfriend. Or a wife.

“I want to get over him but we have a REALLY strong connection.”

Real meaning: He’s good in bed. I hate his guts, he’s partially retarded, but it’s worth it to keep him around for a little while longer because I’m not over having sex with him yet.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Real meaning: I hardly even want to be your friend because I can’t even stand you. There’s no way in hell I want to be your girlfriend. I also don’t want to totally remove you from my life because I may need you to do something for me at some point in the future.

“Sorry – I’ve been really busy.”

This just gives the impression that you’re so busy (you know, busier than a world leader busy) and that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them. Real meaning: “I’m not interested / I’m halfway in it / I’ve been trying to get back with my ex.” And you’re really hoping that he just ends it for you so you don’t have to “hurt feelings.”

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The Admitting Cheater

“I need to get this off my chest – something happened last weekend. I hooked up with your friend, ______. We were drunk and it didn’t mean anything, but I just wanted you to know.”

What a piece of shit. So much so that you’re such an asshole that you’re going to run to your current girlfriend/boyfriend and admit to them that you just slept with that slut? or their best friend? or whoever the random person was. Because YOU can’t deal with it yourself. You want to bring the person who you’ve already hurt MORE INTO IT?! That’s real fucking nice. You cheated. You can’t cope with your problems. So – to make YOURSELF feel better, you’re going to tell your significant other that you cheated on them. That’s fucking smart, you silly idiot. So now you can make them feel way worse. You can feel so much better because you really needed to get that off your chest, and they’re going to have feelings of invalidity and doubt and haste because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants. Great fucking idea – tell the world why don’t ya? Dipshit.

Real meaning: I’m the biggest idiot alive and never talk to me again because I have no backbone and a small penis, OBVIOUSLY.

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Apology Accepting

“I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. I know I said that last time, but I’m really serious and I really love you and you’ve got to trust me.” 

Real meaning: “Look, can you hurry the fuck up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you think is really inconvenient and my ego does NOT like this reality. So if you don’t mind, get over the fucked up shit I did to you, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can get my sex life & perfect image back.” I basically want to get back to doing exactly what I always do. Also, be sure to reduce your expectations of a relationship with me immediately.

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Behind every excuse is the real reason.

“You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.”

Small Talk (haha) #LOL #LMAO how are you? #IDGAF

Small talk. No time for it.

Saying “hi.” Over it. I actually kind of hate this. How awful does this make me sound? Let me rephrase – I only hate it sometimes

I don’t get how or why people think that small talk is a way to get to know other people? OR that it is fun. Am I missing out on the big picture here? Should I be sucking up to people who I don’t even know? Should I be TRYING with every bit of everything I have?! If I already know you… and we aren’t really friends… but we’re acquaintanced (not real word, but I want it to be one) enough to feel the need to say hi to one another, but really have nothing to say besides hi or how are you? and nothing else…. WHY DO WE FUCKING SAY HI????????? WHY??????? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS CONCEPT.<run on, long-winded sentence, sorry ’bout it>.

Is it to be polite? To be nice? To go out of our way’s to act like we care? Just so I can say that I “saw” this person and spoke to them uncaringly (also not a word) for less than 14 seconds in passing and asked them how they were, they said good how are you and I responded back with “great.” I always respond with a “great” because I don’t really enjoy describing myself as good. I’ll describe pants as good. I’ll describe a cheeseburger as good. I’ll describe some pieces of clothing as “so. GOOD.” – this has total different meaning. As in, this is so fucking good that it doesn’t even need to have a better word to describe it because everyone should just KNOW how good it actually is. But for myself – even if I’m being super minimal with conversing because I don’t want to speak a word to you – like you’re a weird stranger trying to talk to me but you have a blowout and you also have acne and you get your eyebrows done and they’re THINNER than the girls who have thin eyebrows?! – I’ll even tell those types of people that I’m “great.” With no follow up question asking how they are, because I obviously do not care. “Great” just presents well.

But for those other people who I should potentially care to mention or converse with – I’ll definitely try to say “great” at the absolute minimum. And try my best to elaborate. I’m severely guilty of this. I have the awkward conversation that nobody really wants to have with people. So, it goes like this… “OMG HI! how are you? What have you been up to? How’s your family? And your boyfriend? Oh, you aren’t with him anymore?! SHOCKING. (I already knew this from Facebook, OBVIOUSLY!!!! because so does everybody else but I’m going to act so surprised and pretend like I don’t go on Facebook every morning…). But I’ll humor myself and continue this awful conversation and answer your dumb ass questions. Because I’m really nice polite.

Probably the WORST way this conversation goes is when I am ACTUALLY INTERESTED – like I for ONCE, actually give a shit. I’m intrigued by this person because I do like them (or once did) or I’m interested in what they have to say – and then they blabber a little bit because they’re hammered and then they ask about me and I say something back and ask them a question and they just laugh or walk away or don’t respond because they’re stupid or hammered or distracted because we’re out at a bar running into each other because I don’t run in to you to begin with because we aren’t friends, remember?! UGH. Life is weird.

“How are you?” It is a question that people are too busy to really want to listen to. Like If I were to reply “Not so well.” The person isn’t really expecting to sit there and want to listen to my problem. Therefore, it just annoys me that it is a dumb question to begin with.

I’ve started to NOT actually say hi to these types of people occasionally – I’m immediately bitchier than I already was. It’s just the nature of the beast – do what you want, get immediately judged.

One of the most rewarding things about leaving teenagehood behind  is not only the confidence to say “I don’t like that,” but the balls to decide I WON’T DO THAT! I hate saying “hi” (I was incredibly relieved today when an elementary school classmate did not recognize me in my winter scarf & hat, thus skirting the awkward hello’s), along with returning snap chats, cleaning out my overly messy car, responding to stupid emails & to texts that I have no interest in, pretending to love health food, cleaning up after myself. Finally I’m confident enough to say no, I won’t do these major ass paining things. 

Sometimes, to the complete opposite…. I go WAY TOO FAR out of my way. To make myself feel fan-fucking-tastic. To make the other person feel so uncomfortably awkward because I think it’s fucking hysterical.

Like I’ll make it an awkward point to go up to my ex-boyfriend’s EX & NEW girlfriend’s and introduce myself. Different occasions, obviously. Because for some delusional reason, I think it’s funny. Funny or not, it’s stupid. Completely pointless because IDactuallyGAF. I’m already avoiding conversation with the rest of the weirdos that are trying to buy me shots – which I may accept depending on which girlfriends I’m with – or may avoid and run for the restroom. Somehow it brings me some great feeling of joy to get under other people’s skin. Ha.

A friend of mine gave me a fantastic fragment of advice the other day. I need constant reminders to be an outwardly nice person because I tend to forget – sorry. It’s okay.

She started out by saying something like this… Answer questions with open-ended responses. When somebody asks you where you’re from, you can either answer it like you want to…. “Long Island.” OR you can answer it in a different, thought provoking way, where you don’t really change what you’ve said, but more so you change how you present it. “I grew up on the South Shore of Long Island, I’ve traveled a lot for work and now really like western Long Island, although I’d love to move to Manhattan. Where are you from? Are you familiar with Long Island?” Much different. Much better. Intriguing, thought-provoking answer to a boring question. Instead of a closed response that I wanted to answer with. Food for thought.

I have social anxiety sometimes so I’m happy if I get by with just a “hi” to these people IDGAF about. But if they continue with “how are you” it mildly kills me. OMG, don’t you have anything more exciting or interesting to say to me?! I can probably talk to you about some random things that are going on in my life that are somewhat cool or interesting. Or at least, funny awkward stories about my morning! THAT – or I do something even more awkward like start dancing and get the surrounding people to feel super uncomfortable because I’m having SO MUCH FUN! and won’t get out of your face. Or drop my entire Ketel & club with limes on your foot. Yup.

So if this post did it’s job effectively, nobody will even chance coming up to me the next time they see me out and I won’t have to say hi to anybody or grace them with my awkward string of questions. I’m also going to work on my 20 second elevator speech and let you guys know how that goes…

Emoji-Pop-Hand-And-Lips

NOTHING.

What to say when you don’t know what to say? Nothing.

How to act when you don’t exactly know how to act? Do you go for it? Do you hold back? Do you not want to regret an action or feel guilty? Do you want to feel happy but not sure if you’re going to?

For all of the indecisive people in this world, myself being one of the strongest – life works out better when you wait it out. Certain things, obv not all. But hear me out.

If you’re on the fence about how to react to something. Just, DON’T REACT. Don’t say a word. Do not respond. Do not talk back. Do not make a decision. The best way to react is to literally do nothing.

You look so much prettier whilst doing nothing. No frown lines. No wrinkles. Duh.

You feel so much less emotion, which is easier because you haven’t done anything. It’s a win for the moment. (I wish I could convey my tone of voice through this text – reason for all the bold/italicized font, UGH whatever).

Now, my advice does not mean do nothing forever. I mean, I’m not a total IDIOT. Like – you’re eventually going to have to face whatever problem you just avoided or deal with whatever you’ve been hiding from. But at least you’ll have a clear mind when you choose to do so. And most importantly, you’ll be in better control of the situation. The best way to use this form of advice is when somebody is specifically looking for a reaction from you. That is when you DO NOT GIVE A REACTION. You hold no mercy. Sorry, NOT sorry.

No apology needed! EVER! Don’t apologize to anybody for the way you feel. If you were a nasty person, then maybe an apology is due to the person you were nasty to. If you were having a bad day, apology isn’t always needed if your bad day is explained to previously mentioned party. A quick, “I’m sorry for the way I acted when I was hungry.” is acceptable. No dramatic apology here though.

I will never apologize to an idiot that doesn’t deserve one. I will say abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of the reaction. We are so done with the conversation.

Contrary to popular belief that I am the nastiest girl to live 😉 … I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you. In a “nothing” kind of way. It’s completely the best idea I’ve ever had to stay positive toward people who need it most. A smile says EVERYTHING. No words uttered. Just one smile. It screams something to everybody. I think it’s a super ugly thing to root for somebody else’s failure, no matter how much they suck. And how badly it #suckstosuck. In this case, you just smile wider.

Example #1: Guy you met at a bar texts you non-stop for 3 weeks and then just stops…because he clearly sucks. AKA, you were ghosted girlfriend. What do you want to do? Text him something like “hey stranger.” DON’T! Poor choice, immediately. You’re done, girl. Sorry beb. Over. Never do this. Do nothing. Simple. Thank me later.

Example #2: Friend #1 asks you to hold a secret. Other friend (#2) asks what’s going on with friend #1. Say nothing. It’s not worth it to speak of friend 1’s secret to friend 2. None of #2’s business. Leave them out of it. Friend 1 clearly did not want to you say anything to anybody, let alone friend 2! REACTION: NOTHING. Unemotional, unphased (not a real word, just Googled obv), inactive face. You have nothing to let on to or let out because there is nothing that needs to be shared. Keep that shit to yourself. Practice tolerance and willpower to not say a peep. Now, I’m not talking the “Oh, I totally know what you mean… She’s been super weird lately to me to I have no idea what’s going on with her though, it must be that douchey guy she’s talking to or that she’s been working over 60 hours a week. I don’t know – I guess I could ask her if you want me to.” I’m talking SHUT UP. Preferred response: (smile) “Nothing.”

This post was about “nothing” in particular, LOL hence it’s title. Except me.

SILENCE IS BETTER THAN BULLSHIT.

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2014 – woke up this morning, still a bitch.

Happy 2014!

Woke up this morning in my apartment, alone, with an amazing outlook on my beautiful life. Wholeheartedly, decided to open up the refrigerator & remove 1 bottle of celebratory champagne. Followed by opening up the cabinet and removing 1 of my mother’s gorgeous champagne glasses from her wedding, which I now have because divorce. (Thanks parents, for all of your fab belongings that remind you of each other, that have been forcefully gifted to me. Love you much). And now I’m drinking the entire bottle to my face, because I’m me. Thank God I don’t mind what people think of me.

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Sat down to do my daily reading/stalking on IG, Twitter, Facebook, so that was different.

This year I’m going to do new things. I’m not going to focus on all of the “off” things in my life & focus on the positive things. Do cool shit. Do new things. All the time – step out of the comfort zone because I’m pretty good at being forced out of the comfort zone. Might as well just stay there and live it well.

Up on the agenda:

Learn French.

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Look back at it.

xo