How To Break Your Own Heart

So I’ve done quite a bit of “how-to’s” on this blog, but this one is quite a bit – well… Different.

I received a message from one of my BFFs about a month ago telling me some big “news.” And NO, that it wasn’t her engagement, that in fact it was the total effing opposite. She was leaving. Picking up her fabulous life and turning it completely upside down. Ending the relationship, leaving her job and leaving her city. I was shocked, yet I knew she knew exactly what she was doing.  She’s one of the most intelligent and self-aware people I’ve met in this world. And so strong. Strength I’ve rarely seen before especially in my peers, especially in 20 & 30 something’s.

After thinking about this over and over again, I realized she was doing what many of us find so intimidating and nearly impossible to do. Being afraid of getting our heart broken and even breaking another person’s heart is both frightening and intimidating. Love is such a strong emotion that ending or breaking is not an easy part of it – no matter how well you plan for it. But here she is, a beautiful, awesome, powerful and intelligent girl who loves harder than most I know – doing it to herself.

Breaking her own heart. For the better of her relationship and their lives going forward. Doing it FOR herself. By her own will and merit.

Are you in a relationship or workplace or friendship or anything that you need to step away from?

Find something. Deep within yourself. Find the strength to pick up and release yourself. It doesn’t need to be dramatic. No need for the applause or the social media presence. It doesn’t mean you need to cut all ties or end something in a hurtful way. You can just move on by yourself. Find the way. (Find your true north! #Wanderlust).

Maybe it’s the complete opposite for you – maybe it’s getting back into something. For example: You love doing ActivityX but your current life doesn’t allow for time to do ActivityX. You’ve got to make the time for ActivityX. You be X. Nobody else will do X for you. Nobody else will do shit for you for that matter. It’s you and you. Control is what we’re after here. Set some goals. Create a timeline and move it. Control your own aspirations, your own goals and your own feelings. Take control of yourself and your future, even if you have to break your own heart while doing so.

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Forewarning Does NOT Make it OKAY!

Apologizing for how you are and thinking it’s okay just because you gave a forewarning is THE WORST quality to have while in a relationship. Like — you’re not exempt from general relationship rules because you suck at life. And you know it. Just because you announced it ahead of time does not make it acceptable.

“Announcing that you’re going to behave badly, doesn’t make it okay to behave badly. – Lena Dunham”

It’s NOT okay at all. A frequent conversation goes a little something like this…

Female: I don’t understand why you’re acting strange /don’t want to be with me. I can’t do this anymore.

Male: I told you from the beginning I didn’t want a “serious relationship.”

Female: Yeah, I didn’t want a serious relationship either at first… But then we became so much closer and we’ve been “together” for months. Doesn’t it seem like we should be in a secure relationship instead of guessing all the time?

Male: I told you I was going to hurt you if you got close to me. I don’t know what else to tell you. Sigh.

UMMMMM…. WHAT?

Thanks for the forewarning, psycho. Who do you think you are… a……..dundundun…. GIRL?! No. You’re not. So decide what you want. Or at least, if you don’t want to be with the girl – tell her straight up. Give her a reason. Better yet, think of 3 solid reasons why! I use 3 because I’ve always been told 3 examples is a solid rule of thumb to prove a point – basic elementary school, right?…. uhhh?

GUYS – Think about the real reasons why you don’t want to be with this female and tell her. It’s probably going to hurt her feelings (a little bit) and it may even make you feel like shit (for a little bit) – but I think it’s much better form than saying some bogus, bullshit excuse like, “I told you before that I’m not good at relationships.”

Better Example:

Female: I don’t understand why you don’t want to be with me…?

Male: I told you I wasn’t sure how I would be in a relationship and honestly I’m still not ready for that with you. I’m not where I want to be in my career. I’m looking for work in a different city which may cause me to move, so I don’t feel comfortable getting into a deeper relationship with you at this time in my life. I hope you understand and I don’t want to continue to string you along. I also don’t like your cats.

Female: K, thanks for letting me know. F you though, my cats rule. Bye!

End. Done. Clean break.

P.S. I’m not a cat lady but I thought the cats would be funny to incorporate. I think I was wrong.

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photo credit: @crimebydesign

 

Let Go

Here’s my question for today: Should I completely hide how I feel about something just to save face?

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I want to tell you a few things about my life. I don’t take things easily but I am very easily detached. I’m a person who is known for being totally “crazy” because love and life makes me act crazy. I feel like many people can relate to this. And if love especially doesn’t make you act crazy, then you’ve never loved as hard as I have. It’s not your fault, it’s just a character flaw. Ha 🙂

It’s times like this where I really miss Talia, my therapist. She mastered simple chic and she was pleasant and skinny and really just kept me grounded & stable. She made me think it was OK to cry, that sometimes I was right about things and not psycho, and sometimes I was wrong, but still not psycho. She applauded the simple things I took for granted. She led me to think about how to be happier, while feeling less guilty. And she never really gave a fuck about all the shit I admitted to her that I thought was the end of the world. She was cool. She made me cry a bunch, but I like to cry. Aside from how awful my eyes look afterwards, I feel healthy after a good cry. Maybe it’s a comfort zone. Anyway, Talia I miss you and I wish my life wasn’t so insane that we could hang out every Wednesday morning.

Setting standards for yourself is a difficult task, but an attainable one at that. 

One thing Talia told me that has always stuck with me is that I am worth it. I’m worth a lot and people will follow suit with regard to how they treat me based on how I treat myself. At first I thought this was a really selfish thing to do. Then I realized I wanted new Loub’s and a new Gucci bag so I bought them for myself. This was wrong. She got pissed but they are both very beautiful, so it’s obviously a work in progress. Still working – I haven’t purchased a luxury item in 8 months. Which is MAJOR for me. I may be lying, but if I am it’s because I’ve forgotten about it, shoot me. Back to being worth it….

If I treat myself well, I value my time – (it’s worth a lot) then others should treat me well by association. Feelings by association?! When my feelings of joy/sadness/uncomfortableness(word?) are normal & ok, then others around me should follow in my footsteps. I started removing things from my life that destroyed me. Little by little. I felt well for the first time in a very long time. I was rather happy being myself, growing myself and being content on my own. I wasn’t lonely and I was really loving what I was accomplishing. Things started to fall into place, one by one. Even though I was still a complete & total mess and anybody really close to me totally knew it…Life was great.

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Until things started to creep back into my life because I let my guard down. Things that were not positively serving me. People, places and behaviors that I was allowing to bring me down to their level. Again. I was writing much less – huge therapy for me. I was partying more, letting my health and wellness take a back seat. My values and happiness had gone astray. Thank god I know what they are now and that I can get back in control and take the reigns for myself. It all starts by taking a deep breath and letting go. Here’s to that. Cheers to that. Letting go. 

MALE THOUGHTS…

Relationships involving young people, specifically the behaviors and misbehaviors of people while in relationships fascinates me. I’m always digging for information from couples. Constantly asking questions and wondering why people behave the way they do. First impressions are major, what do you think?!

First impressions that I get from guys will totally deem if I will want to speak to them, be a friend, be a more-than-friend. Do guys think the same way? This thought made me quickly jump to find out the workings of a male brain that just may be very similar to my own…

5 Things Men Want to Know about Women from the Second they See/Meet Her…

(Like what goes through their brains…) Why do they ask you the most awkward questions? How does the male brain work and in what order of importance are questions? What do they want to know? How does it matter?

Originally I thought that this immediately removes the appearance category because you already saw her and you’re already attracted… like you’re going in for your 1st move… what are the moves.. what is the order of the thought process? I’m thinking something like 1. Who is this girl? 2. What is her name? 3. Are there males around you? 4. Are you single? 5. Who are you here with?

I’m wrong. Here’s how it goes… FROM MALE PERSPECTIVE. 

1. What do you look like naked/what the sex is like?

“The attraction is so physical at this stage that most of these things will be shading towards the shallow, selfish level.”

2. Is this bitch crazy? Am I getting into something that I’m immediately going to regret?

3. What’s her status? Is she single, dating, serious relationship, engaged, or married?

4. Can this broad (side note: ew) carry on a cogent conversation or am I taking to nothing more than a pair of tits and an ass?

This is especially important and the quality/content the conversation says a lot. Name, where you’re from, what you do is important, but there better be more than that. Keep it fun and interesting. Don’t be timid and shy. Break my balls about something. A good ball-breaker is a catch…unless she falls in the latter on many of these things.

5. What does she do for a living?

I think this is probably a bigger one than most people think. If I’m talking to someone whose daddy gives her everything, code red alert and evacuate quickly unless you’re just looking for a lay. I’m not trying to be their next daddy.

This probably ties into the “is this bitch crazy” thought, but I also think men want to know what their history is. Not sexual, but relationships and the like. Probably not something you ask right away, but the thought crosses your mind. If it’s just a “how quick can I get her in bed” thing, probably the first and second thing I mentioned hold precedent.

So, there you have it ladies – this is what he thinks when he first lays eyes on you. Such a treat, really.

Best Friend VS. Bestie

As many betches know, the difference between a “bestie” and a best friend is MAJOR.

My prob is that I tend to call many people my “bestie” and I just don’t want to give anybody the wrong idea here, so I’ll clarify.

A best friend holds a much stronger responsibility than a bestie. Yet a best friend can always be referred to as a bestie, no questions asked. On the other hand, some besties will never achieve the title of best friend no matter what they do.

Your best friend is that personyou know who they are and they know who they are. You can def, 100%, totes have more than 1 best friend in your life. And in different contexts for that matter. But one thing is for sureeee, they will ALWAYS have the same qualities. And usually in your mind, you know there is a 1st place holder. This person is your soulmate basically. They know you so well – like better than your future husband or wife because they have known you forever and you’ve spent far too much time together.

A bestie can be classified into various categories of people you know. A bestie can be a close friend, a regular friend, one of your betches, and the term can even be used as an endearing comment toward someone you like a lot but aren’t even that close with. WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING ABOUT BESTS VS. BESTIES?! 

A friend called me out on naming him a “bestie” this weekend and we started to compare. He told me I should make a Vennix Square…. UM?. ?. ?.  Yup. WTF is that? It’s exactly what it sounds like. Brendan is an extremely intelligent individual, however – he is definitely the type who would know where roofies would come from. That guy. 😉 totes kidding, bestie! Whatever – a Vennix Square is the combination of a Punnet Square, Venn Diagram & a Rubik’s Cube. This does not make sense, whatsoever. But in short, he meant a Venn Diagram and I’ll try to explain.

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Design & Photo Credit: Brendan Sixer

In fact, his Venn Diagram is incorrect because nothing is actually being compared and should be drawn as listed below.

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Bests vs. Besties Venn Diagram * (corrected by yours truly).

I’ll tell my besties everything, but I’ll tell my best friend WHY I told them everything. As always, it’s all about perception.

There’s a difference … and just because I name you as my bestie does NOT mean you don’t qualify as a best friend. You may be that. Or more.

Overall, bestie is simply a term of endearment that’s catchy and easy to use. And I’m obsessed with it.

The Apology

“It’s a shame that at some point people developed the belief that apologies make you look weak.” – LD

Sometimes Facebook inspires me. I know, right?! Who AM I? But this quote really struck me and as soon as I read it my mind started moving – a million miles a minute.

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Apologizing is really difficult. There are times where I should have apologized or excused myself but I failed to do so because I felt like I looked dumb. I’m afraid this happens to a lot of us and we’re too afraid to admit it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am by no means “team sorry” at all. Too many “I’m sorry’s” turns it into a meaningless statement that nobody appreciates or believes.

When people say “I’m sorry” as a form of endearment (vomit), I literally would prefer to rip their heads off their skulls than ever listen to their voice again…
Example:
Me: (complaining voice) “I don’t know what to do on Saturdaaaaaaay.”
Rando: “I’m sorry.”
Me: face of disgust (I’m not going to give you the feeling of accomplishment by saying “you don’t need to be sorry – nothing you did” because OBVIOUSLY! Like duh it’s not your fault. Why don’t you have a conversation instead of that closed ended response of I’m sorry. Ugh don’t speak to me ever I’m walking away now – bye.
“Yeah.”

Thanks for nothing, bro.

Apologizing has gotten the stigma of making people look weak. Especially in the workplace.

In families and intimate relationships, I’m sorry is a statement that gets overused and abused. Or worse, not used at all.

You expect your parents to do so much for you and they have done a lot for you since your birth YET you get frustrated and annoyed with them and forget to say please and thank you. Or apologize for when you forget. Even friends or boyfriends & girlfriends take the brunt of the over-apology, the non-apology, the fake-apology or the no-apology-at-all.

At work or with superiors is where I feel the apology has taken a back seat. As an employee, you don’t want to feel like a major IDIOT so you don’t apologize. You don’t want to let your boss think that you are making excuses. Which maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. However – it’s all in the presentation.

Boss: “You missed this entire report it should have been sent out yesterday. Now it won’t be there in time and we’re going to be in deep shit!”

Wrong response #1: Oops, Sorry!
Wrong response #2: (Do nothing & slowly scurry back to your desk).
Wrong response #3: Well, ya see – the reason why I didn’t do that is because I was waiting for Johnny to give me the correct answer and he didn’t respond to any of my emails.

Correct response: I apologize for not being thorough and completing this. I’ll work on it immediately and get it out by courier today so to will arrive immediately. Anything else that you’d suggest?

Bottom line is – be aware of your words and take initiative to face your mistakes and overcome them by apologizing for what was wrong in the situation.

Go back to your roots! By that I mean, Pre-School! I also need to get back to my roots meaning my roots specialist aka hair girl, because they’re in desperate need of some TLC.

In the meantime, Say you’re Sorry’s, Thank You’s and Your Welcome’s! Please do not believe that an apology makes you weak – WORK it, MAKE it, DO it, makes us Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger. -Kanye ❤

As of Late

The recent months have been among the best and most healthy times in my emotional life. (UGH, this blog is going to be annoying – I can tell already). Getting to know myself – really, really well. By myself. Loving myself. Learning about myself. Narcissistic, much? 

Being single is grounds for gaining a significant amount of knowledge – about none other than, yourself.

Change is one of the scariest and challenging times in this beautiful life. Going for new things. I’m about that life. Change is a beautiful thing.

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This week I embarked upon a brand new journey. I started working in NYC. I left my job of eleven (yes, that’s right 11! years). I honestly have not really left – I can’t leave something that’s THAT good. I am however, changing careers. I want to do something different, explore new and exciting territory. I don’t like weddings and that’s what my career was specialized in. Why work in an industry that you don’t love? If you don’t even love love?! Definite time for a change. A change in love. A love for myself – which is developing stronger and stronger as I type (lolz).

Considering myself an extremely loyal person – I will never let anybody tell me differently. This quote kind of struck me funny – I really am starting to see my “disloyal” changes as self-loving. I’m kind of really into the things that I’m loving right now.

I’m no longer into being unloved, being surrounded by people who don’t need me, or by people who don’t care about me to the fullest. Venturing out into the deep blue sea because I would really rather do that. I’m a firm believer of throwing myself into situations that are not comfortable. Hell – I do that every day of my life. I’m trying to teach myself that it’s better to feel uncomfortable for 8 seconds than to feel uncomfortable for years on end. Small bits of uncomfortable situations are worth it. They’re great for human growth. Starting to leave what has left me. Ready for what the unknown has to offer.

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 I LOVE this image.

Why Men Cheat

I’ve literally been doing research on why men cheat from the moment I started dating my first boyfriend (so, Kindergarten).

Obviously, never wanting to be cheated on, but knowing that it does in fact happen – I made sure I was exceptionally cool. Really easy-going, and not annoying to boys (or anyone for that matter). Main goal is to basically not act like a girl at all. Be like “one of the guys” without actually being weird or gross. Not forcing the “center of attention” look on myself. Not letting the little things become a big thing.

I give all of my girl friends very similar advice – to remain calm, cool and let shit go! Except when I’ve found myself in positions when I can’t let shit go – this has blown up in my face. Discovering why men cheat has been rough, but it’s all a part of growing up. Females cheat too, but I don’t care about that so save your opinions for another betch.

I had the pleasure of speaking with a man who is a Grade A, top of the line, high quality and respectable dude – also, a CHEATER. No names needed and specific situations never needed, but they happened and he’s real. This is what we’ve come up with. Enjoy or don’t.

Some men are never truly happy in their lives.

To these guys, happiness is a temporary feeling. Fleeting. There’s always this search for more or what’s next. So they mask their unhappiness through a variety of methods – drinking, drugs, gambling, and yes, womanizing.

Men at times are genuinely unhappy in their relationships and with themselves, which leads them to cheat. Chasing that temporary high or that good feeling in the beginning of a hook-up. Men are babies. They’re insecure and act immature.

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a betches motto ❤

Insecurity.

Men want to be able to know “they’ve still got it” or they can still “pull a hot chick.” Congrat-u-fucking-lations? Good for you, bro. I guess? But when will it ever end? When will you feel secure enough with yourself that you don’t need to cheat on the one that you’re with just to prove to your friends or to yourself that you’ve still got it? If you do in fact, still have it – fucking keep it! People will know you still have it because you’ve kept the person that you’re with. And you’re cool because you’re confident, not cocky. You know when to fire punches and you also know when to roll with the punches. And if you choose to  leave the person that you’re with, do it with some class and dignity and don’t look back.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/an-dHgZ4uY4nhu4J/the_40_year_old_virgin_2005_confrontation_at_the_store_part_2/ 

Sex is a major factor – obviously.

Men cheat because their current girlfriend is boring. Or he can’t get over me. Leading a double life gets difficult after awhile so pick a team, dude!

Men don’t want to face the reality of their sexual incompetence and dealing with a new girl allows them to escape from their real life for a little while? (Disclaimer: Maybe for some, not Exhibit A…)

Cheating can be done in two forms: physical & emotional.

Ask any sane or better, insane betch what is worse? – The guaranteed response: emotional cheating. Cheating usually becomes emotional as soon as it happens more than once – sometimes not, but the physical isn’t what gets people so worked up about it.

Like – I don’t really care if you’re sleeping with another person. What I do care about is protecting myself (from whatever you may get or have from this other person). This is the scary part about cheaters. Like if you’re going to cheat or lie about what you’re doing with others, go right ahead and be a piece of shit liar. BUT you better fucking think about the literal danger that you may be putting somebody else in. STD. Immune system killers. I think about this all the time (maybe I’m paranoid) but I think everyone else is just dumb.

He doesn’t LOVE her anymore.

Bullshit. If you feel that strongly about not loving someone anymore, you should feel strongly enough to fucking tell them. This all comes down to the insecurity. Not feeling comfortable enough with yourself that you can’t break up with somebody is awful. Being with a person isn’t the end all – marriage is not always the end of the road. Love isn’t the end.

My question is whether or not cheaters evolve? Or will a guy be a cheater forever and ever, for the rest of his life so help him, God.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Why are there so many cat metaphors? Ughh…

This is a Life Lesson for Everyone…

Some people DON’T love you, they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you – they love the benefits.

So, they do the minimal. A little phone call here and there. A text. Just checking/thinking about you (ppffftttt!).

WHAT THEY ARE REALLY DOING IS: MAINTAINING A CONNECTION, SO WHEN THEY NEED YOU – THEY STILL HAVE A WAY IN.

Reading people gets easier with age. Be careful of the curious and stay close and true to those true few.

Catcalling, Meow.

Catcalling. Don’t do this – and if you do, expect to receive VERY expressive, specific insults.

Fuck. You. Get away from me. I’m not interested in you. Shut your mouth immediately.

I once told an ex-boyfriend that I would pay for surgery to have his ribs removed so that he could suck his own dick because I’d never go anywhere near him again. (Unrelated, but I thought it would be a good point to add that in).

If you haven’t already, please meet reality TV personality & model Stassi Schroeder… the violent metaphors ❤

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Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 1 | Stassi’s Violent Metaphors.

The link is my absolute favorite compilation of “Stassi” moments.

…how many people do I know that have told me that I remind them of her? Resting bitch face is on point.

Being nicer is definitely in my near future. Great quote someone sent me recently –

“I try to be nice to everyone because what if they have a hot brother?”

But like…. Don’t whistle at me. Don’t beep your car horn at me while I’m running. Like what was your goal with that? Did you think your beep and yell out the window while at a traffic light would make me sprint on over to your car and flirt with you and get in your car and go home with you and we live happily ever after?! No?! Me NEITHER. That kills my vibe so don’t do it.

Catcalling is like so… 18th century. I almost want to take that statement back because I would 100% rather have a guy approach me face to face (a la 18th century) rather than message me on any form of social media. But an approach/inquiry/courtship is far different than a catcall.

I hate that it’s named after a cat. I don’t like cats. At all.