How To Break Your Own Heart

So I’ve done quite a bit of “how-to’s” on this blog, but this one is quite a bit – well… Different.

I received a message from one of my BFFs about a month ago telling me some big “news.” And NO, that it wasn’t her engagement, that in fact it was the total effing opposite. She was leaving. Picking up her fabulous life and turning it completely upside down. Ending the relationship, leaving her job and leaving her city. I was shocked, yet I knew she knew exactly what she was doing.  She’s one of the most intelligent and self-aware people I’ve met in this world. And so strong. Strength I’ve rarely seen before especially in my peers, especially in 20 & 30 something’s.

After thinking about this over and over again, I realized she was doing what many of us find so intimidating and nearly impossible to do. Being afraid of getting our heart broken and even breaking another person’s heart is both frightening and intimidating. Love is such a strong emotion that ending or breaking is not an easy part of it – no matter how well you plan for it. But here she is, a beautiful, awesome, powerful and intelligent girl who loves harder than most I know – doing it to herself.

Breaking her own heart. For the better of her relationship and their lives going forward. Doing it FOR herself. By her own will and merit.

Are you in a relationship or workplace or friendship or anything that you need to step away from?

Find something. Deep within yourself. Find the strength to pick up and release yourself. It doesn’t need to be dramatic. No need for the applause or the social media presence. It doesn’t mean you need to cut all ties or end something in a hurtful way. You can just move on by yourself. Find the way. (Find your true north! #Wanderlust).

Maybe it’s the complete opposite for you – maybe it’s getting back into something. For example: You love doing ActivityX but your current life doesn’t allow for time to do ActivityX. You’ve got to make the time for ActivityX. You be X. Nobody else will do X for you. Nobody else will do shit for you for that matter. It’s you and you. Control is what we’re after here. Set some goals. Create a timeline and move it. Control your own aspirations, your own goals and your own feelings. Take control of yourself and your future, even if you have to break your own heart while doing so.

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The Cool Girl

You’re so easy going. You’re so fucking cool. You let things go because you’re not phased by the small shit. You have your shit together. You have a job that you “like” for the most part, and at least you’re making money. You surround yourself with people you love. You support yourself. You support and love the people around you. You get it. You’re inspirational. You’re willing to learn and grow. You’re single. You’re ready to be in an amazing relationship with a really awesome person except you’re unsure of yourself. You have nothing holding you back. Except yourself. Because you in fact, are: the cool girl.

The cool girl does really well in the beginning of a relationship. She does superb. She’s accepted so easily. She’s easily obsessed over because she established herself as the most amazing thing on this earth. She makes others feel at ease in her presence. She can hang in any situation with mostly any group of people. She treats others well, she can laugh at herself and she loves to laugh. She’s outgoing but not outlandish or outspoken. She listens when others speak. She says what she has to say. Says what she means but doesn’t say it mean. She’s rarely a bitch. She’s rarely “pissed off.” She’s genuine, you’d never really call her super nice, but she’s not mean at all. She’s cool.

This girl, my friends gets taken advantage of by men the most.

Girls who don’t give a fuck about men, get chased. Girls who care too much about men, get left behind. Girls who are cool, get mind fucked. On the regular. And suffer complete and utter relationship travesty.

The cool girl is at peace with the bro’s. She’s one with them. She gets it when the guys are having guy time. She lets them hang. She does her own thing. She hangs. She handles situations well. She’s not afraid to challenge a man. Or anyone. She does not fear telling other people how it is. She does not back down. She lets her guard down often enough. She eventually allows people into her life. She welcomes change. She loves her surroundings, and when she doesn’t – she changes. She’s the type of girl who hates the faux pax of doing girl things, but loves to do them anyway.

Cool girl gets played. She needs to stop. Stop trying to be the cool girl. It comes back and bites her. Cool girl gets judged, HARD. As soon as the cool girl reacts to something that her S.O. does in a negative way, she suddenly becomes the psycho girl. I’m talking a real reaction. It could be negative, could be positive, could be a little flustered, could be a normal as anything reaction. But since cool girl doesn’t make a big deal out of things, once she does – she’s immediately deemed psycho girl. Or she’s judged – like OMG why is she getting so worked up over this, it’s sooooo not a big deal.

Um, actually yes it is a big deal! “Cool guy” just isn’t used to cool girl reacting to things because she’s so fucking cool that she doesn’t need to react. So then, once she does react, “cool guy” feels entitled to judge cool girl on her less-than-regular reaction. And cool girl melts, because people she cares about are making her feel like she’s not the cool girl. When in reality she is still Miss Cool Girl. She needs to still be the cool girl, keep the cool girl confidence and let it go. When people can’t handle the cool girl, she must let them go. Only some people can handle her. Until then, cool girl should pour herself a glass of champagne and continue being cool, just not as cool to the uncool guy.

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Rules to Live By

 1. Don’t ever tell anyone they look tired.

This is rough. Just remember that you have no idea what a person is going through at the very moment that you come in contact with them. You think they look tired, but that may just be how they look. Showing up somewhere hungover, okay…. Not even. But this is probably the biggest insult you can give another human being. I spend hundreds of $ per month on eye cream because some 75 year old prick told me “I looked tired” every morning when he saw me at 6:45AM when I was 19 years old. Thanks for that, dude.

2. Help people, and if you offer to help someone, follow through.

Be there for a person when you say you will be. Trustworthiness is major and it’s ok to go out of your way and never get a pat on the back for it. It’s more than OK to be awesome to somebody else and love every second of it. You Go, Glenn Coco!

3. Be kind to people who work in retail and food service.

Amen. When you’re being served, say please and thank you. When you’re a dick, you aren’t received well and people won’t like you. You get what you give out – firm believer.

4. Let someone know you’re not interested.

This can be harsh but I feel a much higher level of respect for myself after telling a person that although I’m flattered, I don’t want anything further. Also on the other end, (not to my recent experience) it’s much easier to hear a “not interested ,” then the lies and lead-on’s and all that goes along with that.

5. Actually “hang out sometime.”

How many times have you put off hanging out with a friend because it’s a little inconvenient? Because you have to travel across town to get there? Or you may not really want to specifically do what they’re doing? Really? Hey – it’s not as bad as you think, prob. Just do it. You may learn something or meet someone amazing. It’s worth it, trust.

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6. Be a little more honest.

Life Motto: Honesty is the best policy. You get in far less trouble when you stay honest with yourself. A selfish thing to say… Obv. But when you’re honest with yourself, the honesty flows throughout your life. Treat others how you want to be treated. I feel like I’m stating kindergarten mottos and life lessons but they are the basics. Work on getting back there. Also, people tend to respect your opinions much more when they know it’s coming from the deep space between your brain and heart. Also it’s fucking simple – no need to make up lies or not tell people things that are necessary.

7. Stop calling each other mean names on the internet.

LOL. #bitch

8. Send more letters (not emails) and gifts.

This requires being thoughtful. Monetary gifts mean close to nothing, whereas a handwritten note and a small meaningful gift really brings the smiles. It’s channeling the “thought that counts” movement.  It’s kinda like the “don’t tell me, show me” vibes. Say thank you or hello or “I miss you” with a hand written note. It means so much more than an email or obviously nothing at all. People remember shit like that. And in the future usually will likely return the favor. People surprise you when they have good feelings. Treating someone well can bring very positive response into your future.

9. Give more genuine compliments.

“OMG, love your skirt! Where did you get it?” (That’s the ugliest F-ing skirt I’ve ever seen). – Mean Girls, obvi. If you have nothing nice to say, please just don’t say it at all. Yeah I’m saying this.. I know I sound like a #6 liar, oops. I don’t give compliments out unless I really mean them. Because I believe a firm compliment is much more kind then a random one all the time. Keep it up genuinely. Say what you mean but don’t say it mean.

10. Have more patience while waiting in lines.

No patience. No time. Always late. Always in a rush. I’ll be there in 5 minutes!! Time gets away from us. When things like this happen, practice a random act of kindness. Buy coffee for the person in line behind you. And PAY IT FORWARD! 

The Art of Text Messaging

How long does it take you to respond to a text sometimes? You stare and read, re-read, screenshot, ask for help… think some more.

 

 

 

FINALLY, press “Send.”

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And the idiot you sent it to STILL does not understand exactly what you meant. You failed at getting your point across correctly. Tone is not conveyed through a text. And that sucks. Especially for an overly expressive individual like myself.

Verbiage/Text

OK, so – if you’re planning on texting me in incomplete sentences that are not specific abbreviations or current/relevant words, YOU’RE OUT.

“Imma b @ da beach. How boutchu mamii?”

UMMMMMMMM… wait. Excuse me? How do you survive in society? Don’t ever send me a a text again. I don’t understand your 1990’s style of ghetto texting. Actually reminds me of that commercial with the dad saying shit like “mad cool” or “fresh” or something gross. You can only get away with that if you have swagger. Or if you’re very funny. Even then, it’s questionable. Highly unlikely.

This is the EXACT moment when you turn on your “Read Receipts” and “forget to answer” for a few days. He’ll know. Obvi – IGNORED. Obvi- get outta here. You know I’m not texting you back and you also now know why.

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This post originally started off as a guest blog, but I have so much to say so it changed to a collaborative post featuring:

a dear friend and fellow “Queen Betch of Awkward Moments” Kelly Nolan (@kellynonoo).

What Can Go So Horribly Wrong When Texting:

What this world is missing is a Webster’s Dictionary for text message responses that can lead to complete awk-ness and mixed signals.

Let me start with my least fav, the “k”.

As the world has evolved to what it is in 2014, so has the “k”. There is now capital k, “K” and lower case k, “k” and if you’re me, you will literally respond to people as “k, capital” or “k, lowercase”.

Here’s the deal: The capital K is more of a hateful response. Like, once you receive that you should feel like you just got shanked. The lowercase k is more of a lazy response – it’s like you want to reply, but the “O” is just a stretch above that “k” and then adding the “a-y”, no way – you’d be too exhausted.

Next, let us discuss the period.

I’m all about the grammar life so like, use them at the end of a proper sentence.  Don’t be sending random periods! It messes with both standard English and people’s emotions.  If you’re sending a bitchy period that tells me that you, in fact have your period. Or if you’re a guy, a mangina and that’s what’s happening here. If you send multiple periods then you’re also very wrong. You look impatient, like your life is just depending on that person to answer.  Pathetic-ness will be sent right along with that text. So, it’s for your best interest to stay away from those dots.

Last but not least is the oh so popular “lol”.

While “lol” is an easy go-to response for just about anything and everything, it is about 77% of the time a lie. Are you really “laughing out loud” when you send that text? When you’re in the bathroom or on line at the grocery store or at work on lunch with your co-workers around are you really laughing out loud for all to hear?

My other issue with the “lol” is that it has become such an easy response that we tend to use it even when things aren’t funny. This also leads to mixed messages! You’re either giving someone far too much credit by making them think they are funny when they are not… OR you’re just hyping up someone who’s already cocky and knows they are funny. So unless you are laying on the floor laughing out loud —try to refrain. And if you are well then hell, we should bring back ROTFLOL.

So betches, all I ask of you is to PLEASE stop and think about what you’re texting. Whether you see it or not you could be ruining relationships, your own life, etc. Keep calm and keep loving Ashley Byrd XO Kelly No

Best Friend VS. Bestie

As many betches know, the difference between a “bestie” and a best friend is MAJOR.

My prob is that I tend to call many people my “bestie” and I just don’t want to give anybody the wrong idea here, so I’ll clarify.

A best friend holds a much stronger responsibility than a bestie. Yet a best friend can always be referred to as a bestie, no questions asked. On the other hand, some besties will never achieve the title of best friend no matter what they do.

Your best friend is that personyou know who they are and they know who they are. You can def, 100%, totes have more than 1 best friend in your life. And in different contexts for that matter. But one thing is for sureeee, they will ALWAYS have the same qualities. And usually in your mind, you know there is a 1st place holder. This person is your soulmate basically. They know you so well – like better than your future husband or wife because they have known you forever and you’ve spent far too much time together.

A bestie can be classified into various categories of people you know. A bestie can be a close friend, a regular friend, one of your betches, and the term can even be used as an endearing comment toward someone you like a lot but aren’t even that close with. WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING ABOUT BESTS VS. BESTIES?! 

A friend called me out on naming him a “bestie” this weekend and we started to compare. He told me I should make a Vennix Square…. UM?. ?. ?.  Yup. WTF is that? It’s exactly what it sounds like. Brendan is an extremely intelligent individual, however – he is definitely the type who would know where roofies would come from. That guy. 😉 totes kidding, bestie! Whatever – a Vennix Square is the combination of a Punnet Square, Venn Diagram & a Rubik’s Cube. This does not make sense, whatsoever. But in short, he meant a Venn Diagram and I’ll try to explain.

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Design & Photo Credit: Brendan Sixer

In fact, his Venn Diagram is incorrect because nothing is actually being compared and should be drawn as listed below.

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Bests vs. Besties Venn Diagram * (corrected by yours truly).

I’ll tell my besties everything, but I’ll tell my best friend WHY I told them everything. As always, it’s all about perception.

There’s a difference … and just because I name you as my bestie does NOT mean you don’t qualify as a best friend. You may be that. Or more.

Overall, bestie is simply a term of endearment that’s catchy and easy to use. And I’m obsessed with it.

As of Late

The recent months have been among the best and most healthy times in my emotional life. (UGH, this blog is going to be annoying – I can tell already). Getting to know myself – really, really well. By myself. Loving myself. Learning about myself. Narcissistic, much? 

Being single is grounds for gaining a significant amount of knowledge – about none other than, yourself.

Change is one of the scariest and challenging times in this beautiful life. Going for new things. I’m about that life. Change is a beautiful thing.

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This week I embarked upon a brand new journey. I started working in NYC. I left my job of eleven (yes, that’s right 11! years). I honestly have not really left – I can’t leave something that’s THAT good. I am however, changing careers. I want to do something different, explore new and exciting territory. I don’t like weddings and that’s what my career was specialized in. Why work in an industry that you don’t love? If you don’t even love love?! Definite time for a change. A change in love. A love for myself – which is developing stronger and stronger as I type (lolz).

Considering myself an extremely loyal person – I will never let anybody tell me differently. This quote kind of struck me funny – I really am starting to see my “disloyal” changes as self-loving. I’m kind of really into the things that I’m loving right now.

I’m no longer into being unloved, being surrounded by people who don’t need me, or by people who don’t care about me to the fullest. Venturing out into the deep blue sea because I would really rather do that. I’m a firm believer of throwing myself into situations that are not comfortable. Hell – I do that every day of my life. I’m trying to teach myself that it’s better to feel uncomfortable for 8 seconds than to feel uncomfortable for years on end. Small bits of uncomfortable situations are worth it. They’re great for human growth. Starting to leave what has left me. Ready for what the unknown has to offer.

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 I LOVE this image.

How To: Get What You Want – Part THREE

HOW TO: Get What You Want

Yes, there’s 3 parts. No, there shouldn’t be.

But I had to break this information up into 3 blog posts. Because I’m not about giving you all of the information easily. And for dramatic effect (see Part 2).

But this is how you’re going to make people GLAD to do what you want. They’re going to be begging you to do exactly what you want them to do.

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Start off with compliments! Praise the person and appreciate what they’re doing for you. “You’re very beautiful, I really like the way that you do your eye makeup.” “Next time you’re doing it though, can you make sure to clean up the powder that’s left behind all over the sink?” It’s much easier to hear unpleasant things after you hear something positive about yourself.

Indirectly criticize. Don’t say a word to the idiot that isn’t doing his job at work. Do it for him… step right in and let him look on as you complete the task. Once he catches on that you’re there, acting on something – you let him finish. He will feel it – he’ll know what he did was wrong. He’ll respect you for not talking to him like an inferior, but allowing him to not do what he should have been doing. Reward people for their idiocy. Let them get away with it – but also let them KNOW they were an idiot. Change your “BUT’s” to “AND’s.” Failure is washed away. Get rid of the but – it changes the tone.

Talk about yourself (easy), but talk about your mistakes FIRST. It’s easy to criticize somebody – but also, think about WTF they know or don’t know. If you’re an expert (or you consider yourself one), other people don’t know as much shit as you do. OBVIOUSLY. So take it easy – and instead of making someone feel dumb with “WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT, IT’S ALL WRONG!” have some compassion. “OMG, I DID SOMETHING SO SIMILAR WHEN I FIRST STARTED DOING THAT. ONCE I MESSED UP THIS ENTIRE THING… TRY THIS, IT’S HELPFUL!”

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. “Have you ever thought of…?” or “Do you think this would work…” Nobody likes to be barked at. Or be given orders. You definitely get what you want much easier if you give some options. You give opportunity to people to do things for themselves and it boosts self-esteem. It also removes the feeling of resentment.

If somebody sucks at something, let them do something that they’re actually good atDon’t highlight the shitty job a person is doing. Take a minute and think of something that they do really well – sometimes it is not AT ALL whatever you want them to do. However, something completely different – sometimes better! Have that person do that – it will be better for them and embarrass them way less. This is “feel good shit” people!

“Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.” Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” Praise is what makes people better – positive reinforcement – not negative. Keep going!! Praise can truly change a person’s life. With a little bit of encouragement, a person can really go places. As for getting what you want, successful people make successful surroundings. You can really move mountains with a positive message in the life of a friend, colleague or subordinate. They’ll remember the feeling you left them with. Always. People are thirsty, quench their thirst.

Reputation – it’s all about a person’s reputation. Once you give somebody a really great reputation to live up to – they’re going to. You create a situation where you force a person to compare their own life back to themselves. Sometimes this is difficult to face, but ultimately, it’s rewarding. Great leading tactic, really. Let somebody live up to their previous self – it’s easy to give a bit of suggesting advice this way.

Encourage and make the shitty shit they did seem super easy to correct. It gives people the desire to improve. Please help them, do it for the greater good of the world.

Make the person happy to do exactly what you want them to do. Give them some reward or recognition. Don’t let them down but suggest cool things about it! Don’t give them the opportunity to not be excited about it. Your request should really make the other person have the idea that they will personally benefit. Consider what they will gain, and let them gain it.

“My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.” – Dale Carnegie

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love this photo

Based on: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Why Men Cheat

I’ve literally been doing research on why men cheat from the moment I started dating my first boyfriend (so, Kindergarten).

Obviously, never wanting to be cheated on, but knowing that it does in fact happen – I made sure I was exceptionally cool. Really easy-going, and not annoying to boys (or anyone for that matter). Main goal is to basically not act like a girl at all. Be like “one of the guys” without actually being weird or gross. Not forcing the “center of attention” look on myself. Not letting the little things become a big thing.

I give all of my girl friends very similar advice – to remain calm, cool and let shit go! Except when I’ve found myself in positions when I can’t let shit go – this has blown up in my face. Discovering why men cheat has been rough, but it’s all a part of growing up. Females cheat too, but I don’t care about that so save your opinions for another betch.

I had the pleasure of speaking with a man who is a Grade A, top of the line, high quality and respectable dude – also, a CHEATER. No names needed and specific situations never needed, but they happened and he’s real. This is what we’ve come up with. Enjoy or don’t.

Some men are never truly happy in their lives.

To these guys, happiness is a temporary feeling. Fleeting. There’s always this search for more or what’s next. So they mask their unhappiness through a variety of methods – drinking, drugs, gambling, and yes, womanizing.

Men at times are genuinely unhappy in their relationships and with themselves, which leads them to cheat. Chasing that temporary high or that good feeling in the beginning of a hook-up. Men are babies. They’re insecure and act immature.

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a betches motto ❤

Insecurity.

Men want to be able to know “they’ve still got it” or they can still “pull a hot chick.” Congrat-u-fucking-lations? Good for you, bro. I guess? But when will it ever end? When will you feel secure enough with yourself that you don’t need to cheat on the one that you’re with just to prove to your friends or to yourself that you’ve still got it? If you do in fact, still have it – fucking keep it! People will know you still have it because you’ve kept the person that you’re with. And you’re cool because you’re confident, not cocky. You know when to fire punches and you also know when to roll with the punches. And if you choose to  leave the person that you’re with, do it with some class and dignity and don’t look back.

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Sex is a major factor – obviously.

Men cheat because their current girlfriend is boring. Or he can’t get over me. Leading a double life gets difficult after awhile so pick a team, dude!

Men don’t want to face the reality of their sexual incompetence and dealing with a new girl allows them to escape from their real life for a little while? (Disclaimer: Maybe for some, not Exhibit A…)

Cheating can be done in two forms: physical & emotional.

Ask any sane or better, insane betch what is worse? – The guaranteed response: emotional cheating. Cheating usually becomes emotional as soon as it happens more than once – sometimes not, but the physical isn’t what gets people so worked up about it.

Like – I don’t really care if you’re sleeping with another person. What I do care about is protecting myself (from whatever you may get or have from this other person). This is the scary part about cheaters. Like if you’re going to cheat or lie about what you’re doing with others, go right ahead and be a piece of shit liar. BUT you better fucking think about the literal danger that you may be putting somebody else in. STD. Immune system killers. I think about this all the time (maybe I’m paranoid) but I think everyone else is just dumb.

He doesn’t LOVE her anymore.

Bullshit. If you feel that strongly about not loving someone anymore, you should feel strongly enough to fucking tell them. This all comes down to the insecurity. Not feeling comfortable enough with yourself that you can’t break up with somebody is awful. Being with a person isn’t the end all – marriage is not always the end of the road. Love isn’t the end.

My question is whether or not cheaters evolve? Or will a guy be a cheater forever and ever, for the rest of his life so help him, God.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Why are there so many cat metaphors? Ughh…

This is a Life Lesson for Everyone…

Some people DON’T love you, they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you – they love the benefits.

So, they do the minimal. A little phone call here and there. A text. Just checking/thinking about you (ppffftttt!).

WHAT THEY ARE REALLY DOING IS: MAINTAINING A CONNECTION, SO WHEN THEY NEED YOU – THEY STILL HAVE A WAY IN.

Reading people gets easier with age. Be careful of the curious and stay close and true to those true few.

Decoding The Lies!

Decoding the language of modern relationships.

Here ya go guys, I’m here to give you the “literal meanings” behind what people are saying to you. They’re reasons and excuses – excuses often times get a bad rep. This is because excuses are merely lies. There are things that betches say to cover up our true feelings or “the real reasons.”

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For example:

“I don’t want to be in a relationship.”

Real meaning: I just don’t want to be in a relationship with YOU. If somebody else comes along that I really like or that I can get away with more shit with, then I’m definitely going to date them, OK? I’m just trying not to make you feel bad. But in the meantime, I’ll still hang out with you, string you along and continue to have sex with you because it’s easy and convenient.

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“We didn’t work out because of bad timing.”

Real meaning: He had a girlfriend. Or a wife.

“I want to get over him but we have a REALLY strong connection.”

Real meaning: He’s good in bed. I hate his guts, he’s partially retarded, but it’s worth it to keep him around for a little while longer because I’m not over having sex with him yet.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Real meaning: I hardly even want to be your friend because I can’t even stand you. There’s no way in hell I want to be your girlfriend. I also don’t want to totally remove you from my life because I may need you to do something for me at some point in the future.

“Sorry – I’ve been really busy.”

This just gives the impression that you’re so busy (you know, busier than a world leader busy) and that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them. Real meaning: “I’m not interested / I’m halfway in it / I’ve been trying to get back with my ex.” And you’re really hoping that he just ends it for you so you don’t have to “hurt feelings.”

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The Admitting Cheater

“I need to get this off my chest – something happened last weekend. I hooked up with your friend, ______. We were drunk and it didn’t mean anything, but I just wanted you to know.”

What a piece of shit. So much so that you’re such an asshole that you’re going to run to your current girlfriend/boyfriend and admit to them that you just slept with that slut? or their best friend? or whoever the random person was. Because YOU can’t deal with it yourself. You want to bring the person who you’ve already hurt MORE INTO IT?! That’s real fucking nice. You cheated. You can’t cope with your problems. So – to make YOURSELF feel better, you’re going to tell your significant other that you cheated on them. That’s fucking smart, you silly idiot. So now you can make them feel way worse. You can feel so much better because you really needed to get that off your chest, and they’re going to have feelings of invalidity and doubt and haste because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants. Great fucking idea – tell the world why don’t ya? Dipshit.

Real meaning: I’m the biggest idiot alive and never talk to me again because I have no backbone and a small penis, OBVIOUSLY.

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Apology Accepting

“I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. I know I said that last time, but I’m really serious and I really love you and you’ve got to trust me.” 

Real meaning: “Look, can you hurry the fuck up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you think is really inconvenient and my ego does NOT like this reality. So if you don’t mind, get over the fucked up shit I did to you, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can get my sex life & perfect image back.” I basically want to get back to doing exactly what I always do. Also, be sure to reduce your expectations of a relationship with me immediately.

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Behind every excuse is the real reason.

“You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.”