When Glossier captures you in the act on Snapchat…
And Emily Weiss has the best selfie arm…
Posture and lighting. It’s all posture and lighting. Find your good side, hold camera high enough. Find the perfect angle. Stand tall. Shoulders down, long neck, tilt head, smile (of sorts) and snap a few pictures.
How often is too often? How do you want your top 9 to look? Top 9 isn’t a thing – I just want it to be – it’s basically the 9 photos that you can immediately see if you check on a person’s Instagram page on the graph mode (photo below).
Can’t post 2 selfies in a row. Or 2 food pics on a row. Or 2 of the same thing in a row. You need to create a nice balance.
Order of the 9 photos that are seen by everyone on your insta home page:
1. Random piece of furniture.
3. Delicious/pretty looking food
4. Best friends doing something cool.
5. Scenery pic
7. Quote/words – (girls lol)
9. Somewhere I went with a geotag
WOMP. Basic bitch. See basics. Everything noted above is basic, LOL. #GUILTY!So basic Ash, SO. BASIC.
This is law for increasing likes: if you post a photo of a parent, your likes increase. Especially parents doing funny things. Like dad’s. Or grandparents – they rule. If you post a photo of your dog, and you don’t do this daily, likes increase. Life event (engagement, graduation, job, other shit) likes increase. Cute baby that isn’t yours (or maybe is) that you also don’t upload daily (so people are excited to see it) increase. Hysterical meme of friend doing something ridiculous. Bonus points if it’s a guy. And if he’s not wearing a shirt.
Timing is everything. How you time a photo can be it’s make or break point. People open Instagram when they’re laying in bed in the morning, on lunchtime, after work and before bed. PRETTY MUCH ANYTIME, BUTTTTT BEST times to post: Weekdays: 545am, 12:45pm, 5pm,9pm. Weekends: 9am, 3-5pm.
Hashtags in the caption. Don’t do this with over 5 hashtags – it’s your hard limit. A few are okay. Bonus if they’re funny. And go well with what you’re saying. Minus points for spelling errors. And not capitalizing every new word #becauseidontalwaysknowwhatthismeansorwhenwordsendorbegin
See how annoying that is? If you absolutely MUST hashtag, do it in the comments.
How many filters on that shit betch? We know your skin doesn’t look that dull. Or that orange. So stop!
Why is Kelvin even a thing? And if you use it, consider us no longer friends.
Yes, I base friendships off of Kelvin, it’s a unit of measure.
Your screenshot of iMessage convo isn’t funny. I’m sorry inside jokes are very difficult to get across on Instagram. If it’s not funny for everyone, your likes aren’t gonna be there. No recognition. Because even if I see your funny thing- which could be blatantly funny – I may not like it because I’m like “hmm what’s that about or who’s that about?” I’m too lazy to think about it and Im gonna scroll right by.
You already knew this I would imagine – I’m giving a quick refresher for all of the annoying posters on Instagram. MYSELF INCLUDED.
I know I could unfollow. But it’s not worth it because it’s just too funny to continue to follow people. Entertainment is what it’s all about and I like funny shit. I also like regular shit. Like uploading a picture of ugly ass shit because I mean… It’s funny.
Having a bad day? Bored?Obvi on Insta. Those moments are the reason we keep following those train wrecks. Nothing can perk your mood better than not double tapping a super ratchet selfie of a person you don’t know but wish you never found out existed (mostly bitches). There is hardly any quicker mood fix (aside from a cocktail or Adderall – but let’s be real, they’re not as easily accessible at your 9-5).
Hate someone? Want to hate them more? Stalk them from your friends page since they have already blocked you (they are also a hater). This can be detrimental to your health. Seeing that your life is way more tres chic is obvi a + (positive). When they do something cool that you kinda sorta wish you were doing (almost never), this is a – (negative). #InstagramSideEffectsAreREAL!
Wondering where that guy that isn’t texting you back is? Good thing his friends non-chalantly (spelling ?) added you on Instagram that one time you met them. Because now you can peruse their Insta’s to see if he is in fact someone you should be wasting your cellular data on.
Here ya go guys, I’m here to give you the “literal meanings” behind what people are saying to you. They’re reasons and excuses – excuses often times get a bad rep. This is because excuses are merely lies. There are things that betches say to cover up our true feelings or “the real reasons.”
“I don’t want to be in a relationship.”
Real meaning: I just don’t want to be in a relationshipwith YOU. If somebody else comes along that I really like or that I can get away with more shit with, then I’m definitely going to date them, OK? I’m just trying not to make you feel bad. But in the meantime, I’ll still hang out with you, string you along and continue to have sex with you because it’s easy and convenient.
“We didn’t work out because of bad timing.”
Real meaning: He had a girlfriend. Or a wife.
“I want to get over him but we have a REALLY strong connection.”
Real meaning: He’s good in bed. I hate his guts, he’s partially retarded, but it’s worth it to keep him around for a little while longer because I’m not over having sex with him yet.
“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
Real meaning: I hardly even want to be your friend because I can’t even stand you. There’s no way in hell I want to be your girlfriend. I also don’t want to totally remove you from my life because I may need you to do something for me at some point in the future.
“Sorry – I’ve been really busy.”
This just gives the impression that you’re so busy (you know, busier than a world leader busy) and that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them. Real meaning: “I’m not interested / I’m halfway in it / I’ve been trying to get back with my ex.” And you’re really hoping that he just ends it for you so you don’t have to “hurt feelings.”
The Admitting Cheater
“I need to get this off my chest – something happened last weekend. I hooked up with your friend, ______. We were drunk and it didn’t mean anything, but I just wanted you to know.”
What a piece of shit. So much so that you’re such an asshole that you’re going to run to your current girlfriend/boyfriend and admit to them that you just slept with that slut? or their best friend? or whoever the random person was. Because YOU can’t deal with it yourself. You want to bring the person who you’ve already hurt MORE INTO IT?! That’s real fucking nice. You cheated. You can’t cope with your problems. So – to make YOURSELF feel better, you’re going to tell your significant other that you cheated on them. That’s fucking smart, you silly idiot. So now you can make them feel way worse. You can feel so much better because you really needed to get that off your chest, and they’re going to have feelings of invalidity and doubt and haste because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants. Great fucking idea – tell the world why don’t ya? Dipshit.
Real meaning: I’m the biggest idiot alive and never talk to me again because I have no backbone and a small penis, OBVIOUSLY.
“I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. I know I said that last time, but I’m really serious and I really love you and you’ve got to trust me.”
Real meaning: “Look, can you hurry the fuck up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you think is really inconvenient and my ego does NOT like this reality. So if you don’t mind, get over the fucked up shit I did to you, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can get my sex life & perfect image back.” I basically want to get back to doing exactly what I always do. Also, be sure to reduce your expectations of a relationship with me immediately.
Behind every excuse is the real reason.
“You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.”
Had a rapid-fire style weekend filled with my best friends and far too much wine! Traveled from New York to Boston down to Richmond, VA then to Charlottesville, VA and back again. Within a weekend… girl. gets. around. My college roommate & dear friend, Ms. Whitney Luke is getting married this upcoming November, so we had the pleasure of visiting her wedding venue. Exquisite rolling hills of farmland, beautiful vineyards, gorgeous outdoor ceremony space (and it’s February!), amazing country, rustic style reception space. Pippin Hill is beautiful and I cannot wait to watch my beautiful bestie exchange vows on the grounds. Oh…& the wine, delicious!
I know you’ve all heard the saying – you find something as soon as you stop looking for it.
Usually this is in reference to love – which is still sort of relevant – but also bogus. Of course the reason why I’m using that phase is not in reference to love, but in reference to something that I do love – fashion. Or something like that.
I have an obsessive compulsive personality where, once I have something in my head, I do not stop until I find it, get it, have it, possess it. It’s almost sick but I’ve gotten it under control. A few months back I found a photo of a drop dead gorgeous girl <–(dramatic) probably on Tumblr with a leather baseball cap. In that very moment – I died.
Kidding, I’m still here. I came back to life since I’m overly obsessed with baseball cap styles & flat brim’s more specifically. WHERE could I find this hat? I didn’t want to spend $465 on this Gucci one, being that it’s not for everyday use & that it’s RIDICULOUSLY expensive for a fucking baseball hat. I also didn’t want something from a flea market that cost $2.99 and would fall apart after 2-3 wears (or look cheap, AH!). Whatever – totally forgot about the hat. Became obsessed with probably a million other things since then and never thought about said hat and no hopes of thinking of it ever again. (Similar to relationships).
LF Stores Sale is happening right now. My interest obsession with LF Stores started a few years back when one of my college roomies, Kaitlin began working for their store in Boston, MA. I had been to the Southampton, NY location a few times and would basically swoon over their casual, hippie-esque, vintage style. After following a few of the super-trendy & beautiful LF Southampton girls on Instagram, I would always go in and try on new styles to find ways to work them into my pretty standard work wardrobe. ie. How to make a vintage tshirt or a polka dot crop top, or a black backless top “work appropriate?” Answer: they’re really not. But somehow I managed to.
Weird tangent again, sorry. INSERT BLACK LEATHER BASEBALL CAP! Found this hat on sale at LF for like $27.80! Stopped looking for it & it fell right into my lap at an amazing price point. Done & done.
*driving in car selfies*
**actually – parked in car selfies**
Chic leather cap. Came back into my life when I wasn’t looking for it! I hope something that you’ve once coveted and have completely forgotten about comes into your life today. And then you OWN IT. Happy finding, whatever it may be! xx
Every morning I open my eyes and wake up by myself (usually) and reach for my little rectangular device that I’m alarmingly obsessed with. I say alarming because my alarm is most likely going off while I’m reaching for my iPhone. Begin “the daily read” – iMessage, Instagram, Gmail, Twitter, Facebook, other random social sites that you may be on? Yeah.
iPhone obsession is real. Social media obsession is even more real. The real real. Real fucking scary. Really fucking not okay. How am I supposed to live my amazing life with this iPhone not by my side? But how am I supposed to live at all being so attached? Why are we so attached? Why can’t we put it down? I mean I know we can– until it vibrates or makes the sound you’ve been waiting for or worse, dreading.
People aren’t living in the moment, they’re capturing it. How do you remain solely in today and not in tomorrow? Or the next moment? Or in the next upload to social media? How often are you about to do some pretty normal activity and somebody pulls out their phone and takes a pic of what you’re about to do?
Envision yourself in this oh-so-familiar scenario: So you’re at a bar with a good friend and you’ve had quite the week. Actually nothing in particular really happened that was that great to mention… but you’re tired? but you’re taking Jameson shots because you want to celebrate? Because you rule?! And why not? You’re excited to cheers your little chupito and slam it down and just as you lift your 1oz. shot glass….your bestie whips her phone out and captures your “cheers!” SO EPIC… Actually she got a really good picture (which you obviously had to review before it went anywhere public). But you & your friend did all of this before that shot of Jameson even reached your thirsty lips. What is wrong here? Great job capturing the moment bestie! Also great job completely avoiding living in a particular moment of starting the night off right with a shot.
It’s not all about taking shots, although I wish it would be some of the time (most of the time) always.How do you remove that desire? I’m trying to teach myself that I don’t have to capture every second. And if I do capture it, I don’t have to publish it.
“I’ve been trying this thing where instead of uploading things to social media that have the intention of making other people feel insecure, I’m trying to make others feel good. Be a part of the solution, not the problem. I want people to look at me and my pictures and say, “oooh I wanna be her friend!” Not like F that bitch I want her new bag.” – bestie shoutout.
Could not agree with this more though – we live in a world where sharing what you’re doing has become so standard, it’s depressing me. Like – I. cannot. wait… for you to go on your Caribbean vacation this week so that you can upload the following photos (in order):
1. Passport / Boarding Pass
2. Packing / or how bad you are at packing (me!)
3. Airport delay (OMG! NOOOO! Feel sad for me, I’m going to St. Maarten but first I have to sit in JFK for 3 hours! Bummer…)
4. Shot of clouds/sunset/view from your seat on JetBlue with a airplane wing in the bottom right hand corner.
5. Your hotel view. (GORGE!)
6. Your beach view/ your beach selfie #selfie #obvi #paradiseselfie #lovethis #beachlife
7. The amazing man/woman you’re in paradise with (I’m literally holding back vomit heaves right now)…
8. Delicious dinner you’re about to enjoy.
9. Jet skiing / other fun outdoor shit.
10. Last day in paradise! So sad. Sad face. 🙁 But why the fuck are u sad if you’re in paradise?
11. Back to NY where it’s cold an awful weather and you’re so miserable to come back to reality because your regular life is so boring and the best thing you will upload on Instagram this upcoming week is your gourmet lunch/ new shoes / #selfie / your really awesome dog. COOL – not.
I regress… People are pretending to be “living.” Get back to it and actually live people! And actually love! LOL.
I’ve tried an experiment with friends over dinner and it turned out to be quite entertaining… 6 of us went out for dinner at a local, eclectic restaurant. Trying to salvage conversation and bring everyone back down to earth, one person made an interesting statement or rule, if you will: No phones the entire dinner. The fun part was that everybody had to place their phone face down in the middle of the dinner table. You can leave sound on or off, but you cannot view the screen. Nobody knows who’s texting you, or if you are even the one who is being texted or called. You cannot answer. You cannot touch the phones. You pay no attention to the phones, even though they’re all sitting right there directly in front of you. It’s an experiment. Because as soon as you hear that sound, you immediately want to reach. I started to get extremely antsy within the first few moments because obvi I was awaiting a text for my plans later with my fake boyfriend. The kicker to this game is that, the person who picks up their phone first, pays for the entire dinner. The guy who suggested the game ended up paying for the entire dinner anyway, but the point was that great conversation was available and it was uninterrupted and real and genuine. #NOFILTER
Try it sometime, highly recommended. Take a break, it helps. As I take my break, I find a really fantastic inspirational quote that I must crop and upload to Instagram and Twitter, immediately.
I’ll even send it to Facebook (as if) because that has a bigger reach and I really just want everybody to know about my new found strength or actions toward wellness. (Cool, Ash…) I’m doing me! I’m doing really great! Look at me! Don’t you wish you were me?! I bet somebody will screenshot his and #repost it because it’s really such a great motivational quote!!! COOL! I hope the sarcasm shows through that string of a paragraph…
Now I bet some of you may be like, “Yeah I see this shit all the time but I don’t do this. I don’t have time for this. I live my life, not capture it. I’m good.” No you’re fucking not! You’re still fucking looking at it so this is completely applicable to you too! You don’t have to be full fledged in it – aka an incessant uploader (like myself) to be a part of it.
The trick is to let the fuck go. Like right now, I’m really trying to stop “stalking.” I know that sounds dramatic but it’s the fucking truth. And if you can’t admit that you stalk other people, whether it be your friends, your friends’ friends, exes, people you love and/or want to be with, celebrities, weird people, hysterical people, people who are so strange that you feel bad for them but continue to follow them for the pure enjoyment and entertainment factor & get your friends to follow them because c’mon it’s really worth it.
And then it’s been 28 minutes and you’ve still not gotten that email done that you were working on because you were on Instagram while at work. “Damn. That girl is ugly anyways. Ugh yeah – I don’t like her friend either. She looks like a slut and that comment is totally about me. What is that shirt? He wore that same goddamn shirt on his birthday last year!! What does he only have one fucking shirt?! I’m disgusted. She should definitely be wearing black.” GET OFF INSTAGRAM, Ashley! Get the fuck off. You’re actually a lot cooler then that and you know it. You have courage. You have confidence. You are better than the Gap!
Why do I even want anybody to see anything about my life? I used to be a very private person. Until it was cool to let it all hang out. Sharing my thoughts made me feel good about myself because it meant somebody was reading them, whether they cared or not. And if people “like” them or “retweet” them that means I’ve been accepted and I’m really feeling great about myself because I’m relatable. Thank god I’ve created for myself the exact thing that I have tried to avoid for my entire being. The act of being relatable. I have lived my entire existence being a little weird, or outside the box, quirky, random, a little different from what you were expecting. Because I fucking like that shit. I like to keep people guessing and I like to do exactly what you aren’t expecting. You think I’m going to do some very predictable outrageous motion, and instead I do something really fucking normal with an obscure twist to mind fuck you even worse. Sorry. Welcome. AKA let me upload the ugliest selfie I can possibly find because I think that its a little more funny than a typical boring girl selfie. I don’t feel like giving a better example because you’re not going to get it anyway.
On that note, it’s almost 4:00 PM and I haven’t checked my Instagram since my daily read (this morning). I’ll try to hold off for my nightly read (before bed). Live in today guys.