Write it down, write it down, write it down. Somewhere out there exists data supporting the statement that “things get done when you write them down.” I made that up… but maybe you believed me? Here I am writing down my goals and resolutions for 2016.
Taper expectations while aiming high. Sounds a bit contradictory, but I’m trying to bring myself into a bit of reality today. Realizing that I shouldn’t go into situations with the expectation that they will be great or even good, and just to live in the moment. No need to set unrealistic objectives for myself or pretend that I’m perfect.
Figuring it all out – as if that can be done. Uh, see above.
Being open to share responsibilities with others. I am exponentially and fiercely independent in many aspects of my life. I don’t allow people to hold my hand or walk me through things typically. This year I want to trust more and leave some power up to others around me. Will be a difficult task since I’m a firm believer in doing things for yourself and that you’re your biggest fan and only you can make you happy. While still trying to personally grow and maintain relationships with others, I’ve realized that I need to be more open. Become more receptive to the needs of those around me. Become more vocal about my own needs and wants.
Go somewhere / do something new and cultural on a monthly basis or as often as possible. Living in NYC is amazing but sometimes extremely daunting. So instead of spending the winter hiding from the cold weather that will approach sometime soon – I’m planning on going out and exploring new places, exhibits, museums, art galleries, restaurants, etc.
This is a personal resolution that I have every single year, without fail. Become a better type 1 diabetic. 😐 Hard to relate to I guess, but simple things like taking my insulin before meals (every time!), not eating super carb-y foods, wearing my DexCom all the time (continuous blood sugar testing) and drinking more water.
Career goals exist and will maybe be discussed in another blog post. Hope everyone takes a moment to think about some things you’d like to improve upon in your life for the new year – and not only in the new year, think about that shit every single day. Ring it in well. Xx
People ask me the most ridiculous questions about my disease…
“I heard cinnamon cures diabetes…”
“Doesn’t cranberry cure it? Or it helps, right?”
“You can’t eat this right?” (points to cupcake they’re about to shove in their mouth)
“Wow. You give YOURSELF shots?” (As if I have somebody else to do this…)
“Does it hurt?” (Yes, asshole. I mean only sometimes).
“Did you get it from eating a lot of candy?” Nope, but LOVE candy.
“What happens when you drink?” (I get drunk). “You can’t really do anything, right?” (Ummm, we clearly aren’t friends…)
NO GUYS – in fact, I am not a typical basic betch. I’m sort of just a normal ish (psycho) girl over here dealing with/coping with/owning the SHIT out of Type 1 Diabetes. I’ve been blessedscrewed with this awful disease since I was 14 and I wish every single day that I was a basic betch. That is the biggest fucking lie of my entire career as a human being. But I do REALLY get annoyed with not being able to starve myself OR better, eat ice cream without feeling the guilt that normal people have to feel from it PLUSthe fact that my blood sugar is going to be high for like 2 hours following and I’m going to feel like shit. And it’s much worse than feeling like shit for you lactose intolerant people – so I do not feel bad for you.
Or maybe I’ll feel totally fine… up to YOU, universe. LIVE ON. Go ahead, ask me a question… (keep apple juice on standby though).
I woke up at 5:04 AM completely wet. Soaked. One of those really scary low blood sugar moments when I wake up and my clothes are drenched. As if I just jumped in a pool, drenched. My hair is damp. My body is shaking and I have one thing on my mind. Literally my mind is blank – sometimes it takes me over 5 minutes of contemplating in my head whether or not I should remove myself from my bed to head into the kitchen to the fridge. I usually keep a granola bar or a juice box by my bed. A package of honey or a packet of sugar from Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts also frequent the nightstands on either side of my bed. Sometimes I drink/use them though and forget to replace them. I like to live on the edge and sweat it out – pun intended.
So after pulling myself from my bed acting all zombie-like and still sweating profusely, I gain an obscene amount of strength which basically makes me feel as if I’m the Incredible Hulk. I feel like a stampede walking down the stairs – meanwhile it’s probably not like that at all but it’s how I’m imagining myself. Woman on a mission: eat carb’s immediately. Sugarrrrrrr please!!!
I open up the fridge and stare. And stare some more because my blood sugar is far below the normal range and my brain is not functioning properly. I pull a bottle of Tropicana OJ out of the fridge and fumble to find a glass/coffee mug/cup I can drink it out of. Sometimes if I’m really desperate (also really lazy) I’ll literally chug from the bottle. Having low blood sugar doesn’t only make me cranky, irritable and/or moody – it also makes me very anxious and more psycho than I usually am. Lucky everyone! Sometimes I revert to childlike tendencies and start to cry. So about now I took a few swigs of my OJ and I need something else to stabilize the carb’s I just drank to bring my blood sugar up. I try to find a protein or some other protein/carb combo – naturally I decide on Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked. Other Ashley low-BG (blood glucose) staples are: peanut butter on a spoon, Nutella on a spoon, apple with almond butter, any fruit that’s on the counter, any & all leftovers in the fridge are also fair game…
After eating something I’ll usually sit down and stare at myself or rummage around for my blood glucose test kit. I set up my test kit – insert my little test strip and prick my finger with a lancet. Then I try to squeeze out a tiny drop of blood – except the vault is completely fucking dry. It’s the worst – so I have to prick another finger until my machine accepts what little amount of blood my fingers would like to offer up today.
Just as expected! My meter reads a good old: 33 mg/dL.
Ummm….WHUT?! I just chugged Tropicana and ate like a half a pint of Ben & Jerry’s? And my blood sugar is still 33 mg/dL. I’m scared. I’m freaked out. It’s 5:28AM now – I’m all alone and why is my blood sugar still so low? Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. Help. Scared. What do I do?
Pour another glass of OJ / Mott’s Apple Juice / whatever other sugar-filled drink and head back to my bedroom with a package of glucose tablets (Raspberry flavored) and maybe another snack.
Now I’m freezing. Because my body just sweat through my sheets. Put on new pajamas. Get back into bed. Chug more juice. I’m so fucking full – I can’t eat another thing for hours. I still don’t feel well – maybe I’ll try to go back to sleep? Wonder where my blood sugar is at now? Re-test. 54 mg/dL! Going up – yay? Still kinda freakin’ low – I’ll wait a little while longer and re-test again. I know I can’t eat or drink anything else because it’s 5:45am and I’m obviously not hungry and now I’m wasting time being awake when I should be sleeping. I drink another half a glass of juice, I open up some gross organic granola bar and take a bite. Then I fall asleep.
Fast forward to 8:30AM when I’m waking up late for whatever appointment I had this morning (missing it, obviously…) rescheduling that shit, of course. My face is basically stuck to this chocolate pomegranate whatever the hell gross cereal bar I half ate in the middle of the night. My room is a mess. I test my blood sugar, 245 mg/dL. WHATTTT THE FFFFFFF? WHY?!?!?
Wasn’t I just bottoming out at 33 mg/dL three hours before? Why am I sky-rocketed now? It took my body so long to absorb the sugar I was putting into it and not doing ANYTHING – to wake up this morning to high blood sugar. C’monnnn – just can’t win. I’m exhausted from not sleeping and I’m exhausted from having high blood sugar. Take insulin to correct my high blood sugar – which sometimes takes hours to come back down to normal range (70-120) – and try to function as a normal part of society.
How was your morning, people? Because mine was REGULAR.
Some of you may know and many of you may not know that I’m a Type 1 Diabetic.
I was diagnosed at 14 years old. For 10+ years, I’ve been dealing with #diabeticprobs. Since the day I was diagnosed, I promised myself that I would not let Type 1 Diabetes run my life and that I would own it and run it and do what I wanted. Ups & downs, high’s & low’s, crazy betch behavior followed by wild exhaustion. I blame it all on the big fat D.
Many people would actually never guess that I have a serious disease, because of my ability to act so “normal”LMAO and conceal my robo-girl lifestyle. I wear an Omnipod insulin pump and a pink, obvDexcom Continuous Glucose Monitor. So at any given time, expect to find me with 1-2 small white devices underneath my shirt on my stomach or on the small of my back.
I’m not saying the way I live is right, but it’s what I do and who I am. I’m not a perfect diabetic but I’m basically a perfect human so — let me live. Maybe I drink too much. Maybe I eat too much/improperly sometimes. I’m a work in progress – along with this progress comes many, very insane stories. Every once in awhile I’m going to feature some of my awkward & hysterical, yet serious life stories about my life with diabetes.