Catcalling, Meow.

Catcalling. Don’t do this – and if you do, expect to receive VERY expressive, specific insults.

Fuck. You. Get away from me. I’m not interested in you. Shut your mouth immediately.

I once told an ex-boyfriend that I would pay for surgery to have his ribs removed so that he could suck his own dick because I’d never go anywhere near him again. (Unrelated, but I thought it would be a good point to add that in).

If you haven’t already, please meet reality TV personality & model Stassi Schroeder… the violent metaphors ❤

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Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 1 | Stassi’s Violent Metaphors.

The link is my absolute favorite compilation of “Stassi” moments.

…how many people do I know that have told me that I remind them of her? Resting bitch face is on point.

Being nicer is definitely in my near future. Great quote someone sent me recently –

“I try to be nice to everyone because what if they have a hot brother?”

But like…. Don’t whistle at me. Don’t beep your car horn at me while I’m running. Like what was your goal with that? Did you think your beep and yell out the window while at a traffic light would make me sprint on over to your car and flirt with you and get in your car and go home with you and we live happily ever after?! No?! Me NEITHER. That kills my vibe so don’t do it.

Catcalling is like so… 18th century. I almost want to take that statement back because I would 100% rather have a guy approach me face to face (a la 18th century) rather than message me on any form of social media. But an approach/inquiry/courtship is far different than a catcall.

I hate that it’s named after a cat. I don’t like cats. At all.

Decoding The Lies!

Decoding the language of modern relationships.

Here ya go guys, I’m here to give you the “literal meanings” behind what people are saying to you. They’re reasons and excuses – excuses often times get a bad rep. This is because excuses are merely lies. There are things that betches say to cover up our true feelings or “the real reasons.”

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For example:

“I don’t want to be in a relationship.”

Real meaning: I just don’t want to be in a relationship with YOU. If somebody else comes along that I really like or that I can get away with more shit with, then I’m definitely going to date them, OK? I’m just trying not to make you feel bad. But in the meantime, I’ll still hang out with you, string you along and continue to have sex with you because it’s easy and convenient.

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“We didn’t work out because of bad timing.”

Real meaning: He had a girlfriend. Or a wife.

“I want to get over him but we have a REALLY strong connection.”

Real meaning: He’s good in bed. I hate his guts, he’s partially retarded, but it’s worth it to keep him around for a little while longer because I’m not over having sex with him yet.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

Real meaning: I hardly even want to be your friend because I can’t even stand you. There’s no way in hell I want to be your girlfriend. I also don’t want to totally remove you from my life because I may need you to do something for me at some point in the future.

“Sorry – I’ve been really busy.”

This just gives the impression that you’re so busy (you know, busier than a world leader busy) and that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them. Real meaning: “I’m not interested / I’m halfway in it / I’ve been trying to get back with my ex.” And you’re really hoping that he just ends it for you so you don’t have to “hurt feelings.”

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The Admitting Cheater

“I need to get this off my chest – something happened last weekend. I hooked up with your friend, ______. We were drunk and it didn’t mean anything, but I just wanted you to know.”

What a piece of shit. So much so that you’re such an asshole that you’re going to run to your current girlfriend/boyfriend and admit to them that you just slept with that slut? or their best friend? or whoever the random person was. Because YOU can’t deal with it yourself. You want to bring the person who you’ve already hurt MORE INTO IT?! That’s real fucking nice. You cheated. You can’t cope with your problems. So – to make YOURSELF feel better, you’re going to tell your significant other that you cheated on them. That’s fucking smart, you silly idiot. So now you can make them feel way worse. You can feel so much better because you really needed to get that off your chest, and they’re going to have feelings of invalidity and doubt and haste because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants. Great fucking idea – tell the world why don’t ya? Dipshit.

Real meaning: I’m the biggest idiot alive and never talk to me again because I have no backbone and a small penis, OBVIOUSLY.

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Apology Accepting

“I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. I know I said that last time, but I’m really serious and I really love you and you’ve got to trust me.” 

Real meaning: “Look, can you hurry the fuck up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you think is really inconvenient and my ego does NOT like this reality. So if you don’t mind, get over the fucked up shit I did to you, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can get my sex life & perfect image back.” I basically want to get back to doing exactly what I always do. Also, be sure to reduce your expectations of a relationship with me immediately.

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Behind every excuse is the real reason.

“You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.”

Daily Etiquette for Everybody- According to Me.

IMG_8717There are some things that people do that just get UNDERNEATH my skin. Way under there. So far under that I’m basically cringing and it feels like leeches are sucking my blood. I’m dramatic, I know. Fair warning – complaints on complaints listed below.

The way I feel about etiquette is quite similar to the way that the dictionary has words spelled. It should be correct, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Line Proximity – The “Too Close for Comforts”

Step away from the… ME! Please let me breathe and stop standing so close to me that I can feel your breath.

“As far as I’m concerned, people are informally allowed a two-foot radius of empty space that strangers should not cross. Why does no one follow this? Sometimes, when I’m standing in line, the eager person behind me moves forward so quickly, before I know it, I’m wearing said person as a backpack.” – The Man Repeller

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Like hi, I get the fact that you’re having a really exciting conversation with the person sitting next to you. I get the fact that you may be intoxicated or may not be, but really?! Shut up. Nobody else in this small area of a LIRR train wants to hear about the carrots that your 3 year old child had for dinner last night. Nobody, ever! Pipe down.

Conversationalists in Small & Awkward Spaces

Elevator commentator. Sir, why do you want to be both awkward and fake in that small cramped space? Please, for the love of God, just don’t talk to talk … “Pretty sunny out there!” No shit! I don’t know you and also don’t give a shit. You don’t need to talk to me just because we’re in the same space. And if you really did want to talk because you’re feeling awkward, THAT comment did not make it less awkward. Failed attempt.

Squatters versus Sitters 

See previous post regarding peeing in public places. Keep it tidy, people.

Rhetorical Questionnaires

Stop asking me questions that you know the goddamn answer to. Just because you want to hear yourself talk, does not mean that I do.

The “After You” People

Thanks, dude. Its understood that you’re being courteous because I’m a female and allowing me to do something first.  But do you really need to make a huge deal out of the fact that you’re being overly polite and/or courteous? Must you let it be known?! “No, no! After you!” Great, thanks. Now if I don’t take your kind gesture nicely, I look like a bitch in public. Maybe the reason I don’t want you to let me walk in front of you is because I don’t want you staring at my ass. Or I don’t want to be looked at by you at all- so just continue on your way and I’ll walk at whatever speed I please.

The Cutters

I’m walking in to a store and I’m obviously in a rush because who isn’t? Sometimes, I’m feeling like really nice and I hold the door for somebody. Like maybe they’re elderly, or maybe they’re just about to reach the door at the same point in time as I am and I’m just feeling courteous. And they walk in ahead of me – like a freakin’ split second because I was nice enough to hold the door for them or let them walk in first. And they take it in stride and continue to CUT me?! Sure, go right ahead and walk in first, but you better fucking offer me to go ahead of you on the line in the pharmacy, or to reach the bank teller first, or whatever else it may be. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t do this, because it’s polite. And you’re welcome for not slamming the door in your face or awkwardly hip-checking you to get to the register before you do because that’s what I actually WANT to do.

The Smelly Guy 

I’m sorry, have you showered this week month year?! I just got into your cab, because you are providing a SERVICE to me. You’re driving me from Point A to Point B. And it fucking smells like a raccoon crawled up under the hood of your car and fucking died. Please drop me off at the next fucking corner because I cannot stand the smell of your vehicle and I may add to the stench by throwing up my lunch all over the backseat. How can you operate a “business” whilst being smelly? Do not understand.

The Double Triple Checker

People have little faith in other people. It’s difficult to, in a world where everybody is ‘out to get you’ and we’re all so self-centered. I’m not exactly the best example of this because I don’t totally follow this rule because, I firmly believe that people are idiots. BUT – I am not one (usually). When I’m at work and I’m asked to do something, I do it. When I’m reminded to do something, I abso-fucking-lutely do it. Thanks for checking in with me 3 or more times to make sure that something gets done, because after the 4th or 5th time that you ask or remind me, I’m going to pretend like I have no idea what you’re talking about or actually not do it because you’ve allowed yourself to annoy me beyond belief. Just trust me – bye.

Introductions

Please do the right thing here – don’t make anybody around you feel uncomfortable. The correct form of introduction can really make any social setting much more pleasant.  At an event or party, the intro immediately puts people at ease and can enhance the experience for everyone! Hey adorable guy from work <name>, this is my bestie <name>, you both have this really great thing in common. Easy!  In business, they can open doors to networking – who doesn’t love networking? And everywhere else, they are just good form for those involved – an opportunity to connect and bring people together. The key to a great introduction is taking time to highlight interests or qualities complimentary to each person, and to be inclusive… You never know who you yourself may meet in the process.

Table Manners

Oh, I’m probably going to save an entire post for this one! <excited face> Key points are: say please, say thank you, don’t speak while chewing, wipe your face, wait your turn, take reasonable sized bites. Follow these and you’ll be OK until I post my specific table manners piece.

Technology During Inappropriate Times

There’s a time and a place – for everything. Checking your Twitter, Facebook, Instagram – (if you’re not following me by now, absolutely DO SO IMMEDIATELY) should be done in the correct setting. AKA don’t do this while driving. Traffic lights are not appropriate for this (learned from experience). Dinner plans are not appropriate either. Best times – morning when you wake up, when you have a few free minutes during the day, and before bed at night. Don’t be checking your Insta while at work and trying to provide a service to ME because I’ll let you know how inappropriate it is and make you feel exceptionally dumber than you actually are. Warning.

I can go on for a long time, but look for more installations regarding etiquette ASAP!

Small Talk (haha) #LOL #LMAO how are you? #IDGAF

Small talk. No time for it.

Saying “hi.” Over it. I actually kind of hate this. How awful does this make me sound? Let me rephrase – I only hate it sometimes

I don’t get how or why people think that small talk is a way to get to know other people? OR that it is fun. Am I missing out on the big picture here? Should I be sucking up to people who I don’t even know? Should I be TRYING with every bit of everything I have?! If I already know you… and we aren’t really friends… but we’re acquaintanced (not real word, but I want it to be one) enough to feel the need to say hi to one another, but really have nothing to say besides hi or how are you? and nothing else…. WHY DO WE FUCKING SAY HI????????? WHY??????? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS CONCEPT.<run on, long-winded sentence, sorry ’bout it>.

Is it to be polite? To be nice? To go out of our way’s to act like we care? Just so I can say that I “saw” this person and spoke to them uncaringly (also not a word) for less than 14 seconds in passing and asked them how they were, they said good how are you and I responded back with “great.” I always respond with a “great” because I don’t really enjoy describing myself as good. I’ll describe pants as good. I’ll describe a cheeseburger as good. I’ll describe some pieces of clothing as “so. GOOD.” – this has total different meaning. As in, this is so fucking good that it doesn’t even need to have a better word to describe it because everyone should just KNOW how good it actually is. But for myself – even if I’m being super minimal with conversing because I don’t want to speak a word to you – like you’re a weird stranger trying to talk to me but you have a blowout and you also have acne and you get your eyebrows done and they’re THINNER than the girls who have thin eyebrows?! – I’ll even tell those types of people that I’m “great.” With no follow up question asking how they are, because I obviously do not care. “Great” just presents well.

But for those other people who I should potentially care to mention or converse with – I’ll definitely try to say “great” at the absolute minimum. And try my best to elaborate. I’m severely guilty of this. I have the awkward conversation that nobody really wants to have with people. So, it goes like this… “OMG HI! how are you? What have you been up to? How’s your family? And your boyfriend? Oh, you aren’t with him anymore?! SHOCKING. (I already knew this from Facebook, OBVIOUSLY!!!! because so does everybody else but I’m going to act so surprised and pretend like I don’t go on Facebook every morning…). But I’ll humor myself and continue this awful conversation and answer your dumb ass questions. Because I’m really nice polite.

Probably the WORST way this conversation goes is when I am ACTUALLY INTERESTED – like I for ONCE, actually give a shit. I’m intrigued by this person because I do like them (or once did) or I’m interested in what they have to say – and then they blabber a little bit because they’re hammered and then they ask about me and I say something back and ask them a question and they just laugh or walk away or don’t respond because they’re stupid or hammered or distracted because we’re out at a bar running into each other because I don’t run in to you to begin with because we aren’t friends, remember?! UGH. Life is weird.

“How are you?” It is a question that people are too busy to really want to listen to. Like If I were to reply “Not so well.” The person isn’t really expecting to sit there and want to listen to my problem. Therefore, it just annoys me that it is a dumb question to begin with.

I’ve started to NOT actually say hi to these types of people occasionally – I’m immediately bitchier than I already was. It’s just the nature of the beast – do what you want, get immediately judged.

One of the most rewarding things about leaving teenagehood behind  is not only the confidence to say “I don’t like that,” but the balls to decide I WON’T DO THAT! I hate saying “hi” (I was incredibly relieved today when an elementary school classmate did not recognize me in my winter scarf & hat, thus skirting the awkward hello’s), along with returning snap chats, cleaning out my overly messy car, responding to stupid emails & to texts that I have no interest in, pretending to love health food, cleaning up after myself. Finally I’m confident enough to say no, I won’t do these major ass paining things. 

Sometimes, to the complete opposite…. I go WAY TOO FAR out of my way. To make myself feel fan-fucking-tastic. To make the other person feel so uncomfortably awkward because I think it’s fucking hysterical.

Like I’ll make it an awkward point to go up to my ex-boyfriend’s EX & NEW girlfriend’s and introduce myself. Different occasions, obviously. Because for some delusional reason, I think it’s funny. Funny or not, it’s stupid. Completely pointless because IDactuallyGAF. I’m already avoiding conversation with the rest of the weirdos that are trying to buy me shots – which I may accept depending on which girlfriends I’m with – or may avoid and run for the restroom. Somehow it brings me some great feeling of joy to get under other people’s skin. Ha.

A friend of mine gave me a fantastic fragment of advice the other day. I need constant reminders to be an outwardly nice person because I tend to forget – sorry. It’s okay.

She started out by saying something like this… Answer questions with open-ended responses. When somebody asks you where you’re from, you can either answer it like you want to…. “Long Island.” OR you can answer it in a different, thought provoking way, where you don’t really change what you’ve said, but more so you change how you present it. “I grew up on the South Shore of Long Island, I’ve traveled a lot for work and now really like western Long Island, although I’d love to move to Manhattan. Where are you from? Are you familiar with Long Island?” Much different. Much better. Intriguing, thought-provoking answer to a boring question. Instead of a closed response that I wanted to answer with. Food for thought.

I have social anxiety sometimes so I’m happy if I get by with just a “hi” to these people IDGAF about. But if they continue with “how are you” it mildly kills me. OMG, don’t you have anything more exciting or interesting to say to me?! I can probably talk to you about some random things that are going on in my life that are somewhat cool or interesting. Or at least, funny awkward stories about my morning! THAT – or I do something even more awkward like start dancing and get the surrounding people to feel super uncomfortable because I’m having SO MUCH FUN! and won’t get out of your face. Or drop my entire Ketel & club with limes on your foot. Yup.

So if this post did it’s job effectively, nobody will even chance coming up to me the next time they see me out and I won’t have to say hi to anybody or grace them with my awkward string of questions. I’m also going to work on my 20 second elevator speech and let you guys know how that goes…

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“the most dangerous lies are the lies you tell yourself.”

Deep, Ash. Real deep. Today I told a friend a completely incorrect story about my life because I didn’t want to admit to the real way that things happened.

Why do I do this? Why did I lie? I wanted to tell the story. I wanted to tell it in my own convoluted way though, that made me look/feel so much better than the real story did. I wanted to feel better about admitting what had happened while still making myself look really good. Or at least, better…

I hope this is something that you all do, so I don’t sound like a total psychopath telling false stories. I think we all must do this. It’s human nature? It’s not like a harmful false story. And it’s honestly not like anybody would even remotely be harmed by the fallacies of the story. But still – why did I have to lie? To create dramatic effect? The story was kind of boring without the fabrication?  Like “OMG he was texting me all night it was soooooo weird.” When in reality, I texted him first and actually continued on with the conversation even though it may have been annoying that I was looking at my phone the entire evening. Same story, KIND OF. Mostly different because I portrayed him to be the annoying texter and myself as the victim. Victim is harsh – lol but you get it.  Nothing to talk about… I just basically made it something to talk about.

What it comes down to is that I’ve got to stop lying to myself. I’ve got to be OKAY with the way I behave and the actual story at hand. Why make something out to be what it isn’t? Just be honest. Or how about this? Don’t say anything at all. The “story” did not need to be shared – I went out of my way to share it. Just to tell it – maybe I wanted a reaction? Maybe I just need to shut the fuck up and start dealing with myself instead of hiding from the truths of every day. Come back to reality. On that note, I’m going to sit over here and have my cake & eat it too.

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